✿ [shrugs]
send me a ✿ and i’ll generate a number
20. upside down kiss
"So honestly, Lu -- I'm just really fucking confused." Kai finishes, letting out a shuddering breath, and wishing that he couldn't feel the tears prickling at the corners of his eyes. He's just spent the past five minutes rambling to the boy lying in his lap about how he might have feelings for him, but he's also completely fucking in love with someone else, which sounds incredibly stupid, namely because it is incredibly stupid. Either way, nothing's being said now, and the silence hangs in the air like a physical weight. They're in Lucas' bed, and Kai is sat near the top of it, with the other boy's head in his lap, and his fingers tangled into his hair. He doesn't know what he wants, or if his thoughts are even fully back together from the last time he felt this way in Lucas's presence, but he does know that he's an idiot. He's such an idiot, it's not even funny.
The quiet drags on like it never has before, and Kai feels as if it's been hours since he stopped talking, his heart beating hard in his chest, and his mind wandering to places that are far better left alone. Like that time Lucas kissed him, for instance -- yeah, definitely not something he enjoys lingering on if he can at all help it. His life is enough of a goddamn mess without adding this boy into the mix, and it's neither fair to him, nor Kai, nor anyone else involved in his fucked up romance to allow this to happen. And yet, still...he can't help but want. He wants, and he wants, and he wants, and it's not for anyone else to decide what he does, is it? Maybe if Kai were a better person, this wouldn't be happening right now. Maybe if he were a better person, he wouldn't be here at all. Maybe if he were a better person, he would let Lucas go, and he would let Venice go, and he would let Wesley go -- but he's not a better person. He's not even a good person at all.
It's with a distinct lack of thought that he finds himself lowering his own head down, closer and closer to Lucas, until finally he's meeting their lips together in an awkward, upside-down sort of kiss. His top lip brushes Lucas' bottom one, and his nose ghosts lightly against his chin as he fits himself a little better into position. He draws the other's lip between his teeth and gives it a gentle tug, hair tickling over his skin, and he feels the other finally begin to respond to him. This is wrong -- this is so wrong, on so many different levels, and he wishes he wasn't doing it. He wishes he wasn't such an idiot.
And yet there's a big part of him that's relieved, and that's utterly terrifying.