#wewillwaitfordonghae

[xiawookiki]

I miss your smile @leedonghae #donghae #leedonghae #babyhae #missyou #wewillwaitfordonghae #Repost @leedonghae with @repostapp ・・・ Happy New Year #2016

[prayingfordonghae]

A Farewell Note to Donghae

A Short Note About How He (And Suju) Saved My Life

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Hello Donghae, one of your many, dedicated fans here! Of course you don’t know me, even though I’ve gotten to see you several times and even talked to you a few times as well. However, I know you and that’s all that matters.

I’ve shared my story before about how Super Junior saved my life (literally!) and they did! That’s why I stan them so hard and why I will be an ELF until the day I die. It’s even how my mom ended up becoming a fan as well- gratitude mainly. That and a love of Leeteuk.

I never told the whole story though.... I’m sure these feeble words won’t ever reach your ears. But who knows? Maybe one day, I will get the chance to tell you in person and do a full-out, 90 degree bow in front of you to show my sincere gratitude.

What I’ve told about before was that the year I “met” Super Junior and started listening to them was the year I was SO sick and almost died because of some complications. All of that is true. But as luck would have it, before those sicknesses became worse and made my whole life pretty awful to be honest, I was facing a whole different set of problems.

You see, I was quite naive growing up. I didn’t have much experience (well any!) with guys. My first serious boyfriend was when I was 23..... and he started a pattern in my life that ended up almost ruined my life. He was a “preacher’s son” one of the good guys supposedly. But the manipulating and emotional games he played with me did such a number on my mind, that by the end of the relationship, I was convinced I was the sorriest piece of trash ever and deserved every bit of treatment I had received. As a young, vulnerable, naive, inexperienced girl... those beliefs set me up to be hurt in every other relationship since then.

Eventually there came another “good guy.” I thought he was different that time. He was a pastor and a music minister- pretty much the dream guy for me! I wanted it to move past the toxic relationships or before and have somethign truly wonderful and different, so I opened up to him and told him about my baggage and the things from the past, how I had been hurt, etc. I wanted to have a better, solid relationship with Christ as the center. It took all my courage to lay myself open like that and seek the kind of relationship that a child of God deserved, but he was in agreement! Or so I thought.

Over the months, his kindness faded. Any time I questioned his behavior, he would throw my fears, self-doubt and past back into my face as a method to check me and make me obey his every word. It became a game to him.... one of manipulation and how far he could push me. He was a total control-freak, a sick, macho man who thought it was funny that I obeyed him out of love.... and later out of fear. By the time I realized love wasn’t at all present anymore and that I had allowed myself to be treated that way since I listened to those voices telling me how worthless I was, I was too scared to get out. This “preacher boy” that I had finally, fully trusted and opened my heart to and truly fallen in love with for the first time (not to mention being a friend of mine for TEN years first before we ever began dating), had become an abusive, arrogant, hateful, bullying, hurtful, manipulative devil. He was sick and twisted and I think he really did enjoy making me suffer. He said he didn’t, but regardless of his reasons, it affected me all the same. I still remember the night he gave me my engagement ring in front of all his family- they were so happy and acting like it was so wonderful. Meanwhile, I went straight to my room and starting throwing up and crying.

I can never (nor would I want to) detail the whole horrifying experience that I suffered at the hands of this monster. I have spent the last few years trying to forget it and move on. But... it was truly horrible.

The physical abuse hit a very high note one time- 3 major times within a few days and each time worse than before. I was in a fragile state of mind already and an emotional mess, telling myself that i had no escape and no where to turn. For some reason, I think my fragility angered him which is why it only continued to get worse. The last time, I was in a heap crying and bleeding, begging him to stop. While he finally did, he just stood over me and laughed. Then nonchalantly said “sorry!” with a huge smile before turning away and essentially walking out of my life for good. 

Basically what followed was a long, hard fall to the cold bottom. I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Severe Social Anxiety, Severe OCD, Manic Depression. I was Suicidal. I did self-harm and tried to kill myself.... more than once. I was under the constant watch and care of my doctors. In therapy. On medication. An emotional trainwreck and on the verge of a total and complete nervous breakdown.

Then....... time passed. And just when I was starting to feel the tiniest bit normal again and like I might survive after all. The minor health problems I had been dealing with before turned into major ones. Like seriously, horrendously major problems. I became deathly ill with a series of rare, bacterial infections and fought for my life on and off for about a year. With those mental things still at the back of my mind, all I could think was “It would just be better if I were gone.” But the only reason I didn’t do that was because of my mother.

She promised me everything that occurred to her.... to take me to see SJ in Tokyo, etc.. Anything to give me a bit of a will to live. See, I’m a Christian. And while I know Christians shouldn’t commit suicide, we aren’t perfect and go through trials and tribulations just like anyone else. And all I could think was “If I died right now, I would finally be at peace and with no pain!” Peace?No Pain? That’s all I wanted in life.... still is.I should probably add that at this time I was living in a foreign country, totally on my own, hiding the truth from my family and friends because I was so ashamed that I had fallen so low and that I had been so stupid to let someone treat me like that. Because of that pride and hiding the truth, it just made thigns even more difficult because I waqs trying to bear it alone.

But through all of this mess, I “met” Super Junior. A friend from a support group told me about this music that had saved her life and given her an outlet and hope.... it was K-pop. That girl went on to become my best friends later and a true gift of God to my life. Although she had more varied interests in Kpop, I soon discovered Super Junior and that was it for me! <3

When I was sick, they made me smile. When I was in hospital, I was watching their variety shows and interviews on my laptop. When I was nauseous and didnt want to open my eyes, I listened to their ballads on my ipod. When I felt like giving up, they reminded me to keep going because life is worth fighting for. When I was tempted to give in to depression, I was singing their songs and laughing and driving with my best friend. When I wanted to throw my hands in the air and say “this is impossible!” I remembered Heechul recovering after his accident and continuing to dance with metal bars in his legs and I thought of Kyuhyun coming back from the brink of death in order to continue his career as a truly blessed singer with a voice from God.They all saved my life, you see. Truly they did. I don’t say it lightly when I tell people they saved my life.... I mean it with every ounce of my being. I know without a shadow of a doubt that they were a gift from God when I needed it most. But there was  one special person that truly ministered to me in an entirely different way.

As I started to observe Donghae, I started realizing that he was kind. He was sincere and compassionate. He was innocent and childlike- so much so that he didnt even like eating by himself. Were there truly guys like that out there? Evidently so, because I saw that kind of guy in Donghae.  I even started seeing a bit of hope once more than all guys weren’t going to hurt me and use me.... there were still some nice ones out there. Then I found out he was a Christian. Was he one of the phony types like in my past experiences? With time though, I realized he was the genuine article. I read about him talking to a drunk man on the street of China and telling him about the Lord. What I saw was sincerity and compassion.... things the people who had hurt me had lacked.As I got to “know” him more, I realized that he had suffered tremendously and though he still hurts and always will, he has found a new sense of purpose in life. He can still get up and smile and move forward towards a new day. He can accept that challenge to keep going without ever thinking of giving up. Because “giving up” just isn’t in his dictionary- no matter how hard it gets sometimes. I saw someone that valued women, respected elders, treated people of all ages, races and social status with respect and equality. I saw a... character and honor in him that made me start believing in humans again. Made me start believing a bit in guys again too.... that maybe they werent all as horrible as the ones in my past.

The more I observed him, the more I respected him, I didnt love and adore him from the beginning.... it was a slow growth of respect, affection and a mixture of feelings somewhere between fascination and love.He wasnt my intial bias and didnt catch my eye at first. But with time, I started to really love his attitude, his character, his morals and standards, his innocence, his pure heart, his kindness, his hard work, his responsibility to family and the child-like innocence with which he fully enjoyed life.

As time progressed, I had made major strides forward with my own past issues. Is it possible to ever heal from something like that? Perhaps the physical wounds heal but the internal wounds where they cut you with their words and beat you with your past and doubts, the viscious attacks where they choose to trample on your offered love and affection, then abuse you with it over and over again..... those wounds never truly heal completely.

I am proud of the strides I had made. I’m no longer a young kid and thought it has taken my years of healing, help and therapy to move past my past, I realize that God still loves me unconditionally and He has forgiven me of every single mistake I’ve ever made. One of the most important things I had to learn though was that it wasn’t my fault. Sure, I put myself in certain situations, didn’t listen to good counsel at times, hid the truth because of pride. Those things are my fault for sure. But the wickedness and sin of others? That wasn’t my fault. I had blamed myself for so many years But when God finally ministered to me and really wrote that truth on my heart, “It wasn’t your fault!” then a true healing process finally set in as I accepted the truth of those words from my Lord. 

Still.... there are days when it is still a struggle. sometimes the wicked enemy will sneak up and attack me with thoughts of the past or even nightmares, reminding me of what happened and how I had been treated. In those days, the only escape I have is music... the only thing that will drown out those voices and fears and doubts is music.

So I turn to the piano and begin to play. And somewhere along the way, I realized the a lot of the songs that helped me so much, the melodies that were drowning out other noises were songs written by none other than Lee Donghae. 

When I realized that, it made me love him even so much more.

See there are still times when a voice tries to tell me it would be easier to just end things now. But that’s when I pray to my Lord and Savior, seek comfort in His Word and then turn to the piano to play and play and district myself from those haunting voices. And the music I often choose to play? The songs I love and adore by Lee Donghae.

So I dont say it lightly, when I say Super Junior saved my life. They truly did in that period of darkness when I was facing those emotional/mental problems and perhaps even more so when I was hit with a tsunami of health problems that brought me pain and sickness every day. They are my life savers and a true gift of God.

But the reason I love Lee Donghae? Well, now I can appreciate his beautiful face, his lovely smile, his adorable laugh. But at first, I loved Donghae just because.... because he first brought a little faith in humanity to me again. And second, he has saved my life more times than I can count when it comes to the songs he has written and the bad memories he has helped hold at bay with the escape he provides me in those melodies.

that’s why, I have such an “odd” attachment to Donghae. That’s why I love him beyond words- because of all he has done for me (all SJ has done for me really). And that’s why I feel such gratitude and thankfulness for who he is, what he stands for, his character, his heart, his compassion and even for expressing his talent and innermost thoughts via his beautiful music.

One day, I hope I can thank him properly. I know there are many like me as well.... who owe so much to SJ. This isn’t a story I’ve ever told to anyone outside my own family. I thought it might shed some light on why I’m so Donghae obsessed, of course. lol But I actually thought it might be able to help someone in my ELF family!! You’re not alone. God is with you and wants to help you and love you as you deserve!!! There is always help available. And help and inspiration can come in the most unlikeliest of places.... a song, a friend, a musician in another country or.... a blog even. ^^

Hugs to you all. And Donghae.... the largest, biggest hug in the world to you! I truly love you and am so grateful for all you have done for me! Stay safe sweet Hae. Don’t be lonely please! I am praying for you EVERY day and I know God will take care of you and reward you greatly. 

I’m truthfully a bit selfishly worried for myself as well. Since I’ve found you (my little life-preserver! lol) I haven’t let go. Now the time has come for you to go away on your own, far from the eyes of ELF. Far away from where we can see you or hear from you. And far away from any new songs or things you have written. And that..... that scares me some! I know you are trying to be strong though, so we promise to try to be strong as well. It’s time I let my little security blanket go.... it’s been too long that I’ve wrapped myself up in it, pretending the outside world doesn’t exist, refusing to face reality and growing up. I’ve held on to you for too long, havent I? I’m so grateful!!!! But I know now that it’s my turn to let go as well. I know you will come back stronger and with a more mature image. I will work on myself and will also promise to become a braver, stronger person over the next few years- one that isn’t afraid to face the world without her security blanket of fantasy and dreams.

God bless you, Donghae.... my little life-saver, my security blanket, the one who let me pretend these past several years and hide in a fantasy with you where no one could hurt me and hearts dont have to be opened up and risk being scorned. I am so thankful for all those wonderful services you have provided for me (and many other ELF) but I will work hard as well and meet you with a better image next time.

Until then.... your most loving and dedicated (and grateful!) fan <3 xx

[himehae]

View this post on Instagram

"Donghae enlistment proyect from ELFish Bolivia" #WeWillWaitForDonghae #WeWillWakeUpWithYouOnJuly2017 #WaitingForDonghae #ELFIsYour

[himehae]

"Donghae enlistment proyect from ELFish Bolivia" #WeWillWaitForDonghae #WeWillWakeUpWithYouOnJuly2017 #WaitingForDonghae #ELFIsYour #LeeDongHae

[haruisoneday]

Super Junior , Haru Oneday on Instagram: “ELF !!! 동해가 1년9개월동안 외롭게해서 미안해요!! 생일에 입대라서 더 의미가 깊은 시간이 될꺼 같아요. 멋진 모습으로 잘 다녀오겟습니다. ELF사랑해요!! 은혁이랑 잘 다녀와서 만나요 ^^ #DNE #마시”

“ELF !!! 동해가 1년9개월동안 외롭게해서 미안해요!! 생일에 입대라서 더 의미가 깊은 시간이 될꺼 같아요. 멋진 모습으로 잘 다녀오겟습니다. ELF사랑해요!! 은혁이랑 잘 다녀와서 만나요 ^^ #DNE #마시”

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Is your hair already short in this picture?

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  이동해 오빠 , 사랑 해요.

My chest is so stuffed at the moment.

I am tearing apart at this time of the night because of the thought that I won’t be able to feel the presence of my ultimate, most favorite, guy in the whole Kpop world.

I remember making an Instagram account after he made one just to feel/ be closer to him.

But I guess it really is time to go.

I will be waiting no matter what.

I will wait for you until you come back.

I love you. I really love you.

You are one of my inspirations for so many reasons. 

I will miss you. Surely, the next 2 years would be very lonely and sad. I won’t be hearing your voice, I won’t be seeing your face, I won’t be feeling much of your presence but I hope 2 years comes by fast so you would come back earlier.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY! SERVE YOUR COUNTRY WITH ALL YOUR BEST!

JUST REMEMBER THAT I LOVE YOU, THAT ELFs LOVE YOU.

I love you, Lee Donghae.

-from an ELF who loved you so much since she saw your Haengbok MV (oooh, all the snoopy shirts :>)

P.S. be healthy, don’t change so much, okay? I am always thinking of you~ 

October 15, 2015. 2:00 am (in my laptop). Yakal G152. All my love, I send to you, Lee Donghae oppa :’)

[saorirodriguez]

20151015 #DonghaeDay  #WaitingForDongHae 14.07.17 #WaitingforDonghae #WeWillWaitForDonghae #HappyDonghaeDay "『僕にもあーんして』って嫉妬の仕方も言い返しもまじで子ども過ぎて逆に萌えたwwwwwwwwwwwwwww #donghae #leeteuk #superjunior"

[saorirodriguez]

20151015 #DonghaeDay  #WaitingForDongHae 14.07.17 #WaitingforDonghae #WeWillWaitForDonghae #HappyDonghaeDay "このドンへ可愛すぎてどうしよう、上目遣いやばすぎてどうしよう(滝汗) #donghae #superjunior"

[saorirodriguez]

20151015 #DonghaeDay  #WaitingForEunhyuk #WaitingforDonghae #WeWillWaitForDonghae #HappyDonghaeDay "ここの振付可愛い♡#eunhyuk #donghae"