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Fanfiction: Sympathy For A Downer

Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22737214/chapters/82725124

Chapter 76

When Nick opened his eyes, he was taken by surprise. Right in front of him, healthy, awake and smiling, lay Arthur Hastings. “Good morning, long sleeper”, the vision greeted him quietly. “Did you miss me?” It felt so good to hear his voice. “So I really overdid it with the painkillers in the end”, Nick mused loudly. “Or is this a dream?” “Neither”, Arthur said amused. “We're both alive.” “Oh, come on.” Nick waved him off. “I'm not that naïve anymore. But it's nice to see you again...” He took the vision's hand and squeezed it. “Do I feel dead?”, Arthur teased him. Nick felt very closely. The skin was warm and soft. “No”, he decided. Suddenly, the vision crawled closer and pressed a passionate kiss on his lips. “And this?”, he asked. “Hmm...I don't know...”, Nick muttered, very puzzled but thrilled. “I think I need more of this...” Arthur looked around, doubting. “I don't think we should in here...” But Nick pulled him closer for another extensive testing. It felt good. Then he lay his forehead against Arthur's and stroked the man's back. His sluggish tiredness made way to euphoria.

If he was really dead, he wouldn't be still here, in this bed, right? Arthur didn't have to sleep in the same uncomfortable bed as him...but he was here...could it be that...? “Arthur?”, he asked, being pressed tightly against the other man. “Yes?”, Arthur returned. “Is it really you?” “Do you need another test?” He didn't say 'no' to that. Shortly after, he was convinced and didn't know how to express the overdose of joy he felt. “Arthur! Arthur, where have you been?”, he sobbed dryly. “I've been looking everywhere for you! Nobody could help me!” His lover hugged him again, like he had done it in the tunnel. “Ssshh...”, he whispered, patting his head. Nick sobbed into the crook of his neck. “I was at Victoria Byng's place...You know, my former boss...”, Arthur began to explain. “Why? What did she want?”, Nick blurted out. “Have you been in trouble? Are you hurt?” “Ssshh...no. It was really weird. All she wanted was to talk to me. She apologized for chasing me off when I turned Downer. It's like people really came back to their senses...” Nick slowly calmed down, thinking of the Wellies who were busy cleaning up their town...who didn't need to be on Joy anymore. “Yeah...it's over now. Nobody's taking Joy. There's no curfew. We can go wherever we want. All the rubble...and the corpses...sometimes I wish I had my Joy.”

“Wellington Wells looked like this once before, right after the war. Then everyone took Joy to forget”, Arthur remembered. “This time, we have to face it.” “Honestly, without you, I wouldn't have a reason to go on”, Nick blurted out. Arthur tenderly kissed his forehead. “Do you know...we can't pass the tunnel...” “I though they were still trying to fix it.” “Yeah...they are...I hope they'll make it.” “I'm so sorry, Arthur”. Nick's green eyes viewed him mournfully. Arthur patted his head again. “Don't be...I don't regret anything.” “Damn Victoria Byng. I kill her.” Arthur almost chuckled. “How long have you been alone?” “An awfully long time! A couple of days...I thought I lost you forever!” Arthur was shocked. “What, so long? But I just woke up! I'm so sorry!” “It's not your fault, my love. I swear, if I see her again...” “What did you do all this time?” “I helped the others as soon as I was able to walk properly. We clean up the mess.” “I hope it's worth it”, Arthur said before he could stop himself. Nick looked at him. “Not all of them want to leave...Some can't imagine another home than this...They want to save what's left and start new...Why shouldn't they at least try?” Arthur noticed that his outbreak had sounded very bitter. “Yeah...you're right...” He thought about the tunnel that was closed, Victoria, who had given him the permission to search the executive committee's office for clues about Percy...

Nick began to stir. “Are you hungry? We can get breakfast here, even though it's only porridge. It's better than nothing.” Arthur pondered. “I could go look if my house is still standing. Perhaps I have something edible left in my storage.” Nick dug himself out of Arthur's arms to beam at him. “Well, how does that sound?” Arthur grinned. Nick kissed him as an answer. Finally spending time with him, that's what he was pining for. They got up, then Nick crouched next to the bed to lift up something. “Would you mind if I take this baby with me?”, he asked, showing off a very new looking guitar. “Don't tell me the tunnel suite is still intact!” Arthur widened his eyes. “Er, no...I don't know, I wasn't there...this is from a shop in this district. I...er...borrowed it since the shop is closed.” Arthur laughed. “Alright. I don't think anyone will miss it. Let's bring it home.” Nick happily shouldered it and followed Arthur outside. As if the world was happy too, the sun was shining brightly, making the dirty cobblestone glow. For the first time, Nick had the feeling that the colours weren't as dull and grey as usual. But as if that was already too good to be true, a figure appeared walking towards the church.

“Isn't that Brad Wilson?”, Arthur asked. Nick sighed. “Yeah.” He turned away. “Now he'll think I lied to him when I said you probably didn't make it”, he muttered to himself. “Huh?” Arthur was puzzled, but Brad approached him already. “Hey, Arthur, you made it! That's fantastic news!”, he greeted him cheerfully and they shook hands. “Yeah...hell of a story...”, Arthur answered. “We got separated, woke up in different places, it was a mess...” “Sure. I've seen the tunnel...It's crazy you made it out alive.” “Did I though? I hope I'm alive.” They laughed. “Did you make it? I mean, the whole band?” “Yeah...but because we've been cowards. When people started killing each other, we hid in our dressing room for most of the time....that means, after we've been lucky enough to get back there...People freaked out without Joy.” He shook his head. More regretful, he added: “And us, too...” “I see...”, Arthur was taken aback by such an honest response from a Wellie. “But that's great news, too!” He wondered why Nick was so quiet. “I'm sorry we couldn't help you...When the riot started, all we could do was run.” “Don't beat yourself up about it. Nick told us that you had a hell of an adventure.” Arthur almost blushed. “Did he?” “Are you alright?”, Brad asked now with honest concern. He looked like he knew Arthur escaped a mass murderer. “I'm getting there...”, Arthur said awkwardly. “I'm glad..would you mind if borrowed Nick for a while?” “Er...no?” He gave Nick an unsure look. “We were about to for a walk, but I'm sure we can catch up later...?” Nick didn't look approving. “Can't Arthur come with me?” “I don't think that would be a good idea”, Brad gave him an urging look. Nick put a hand on his lover's shoulder and went a few steps away from Brad.

“Arthur, I just met you again”, he said and took his hand. “I can't leave you yet! I just lost you! I don't want it to happen again!” Nick looked like he was about to panic. Arthur put his hands on Nick's shoulders. “Ssshh...hey...I promise I'll be here when you come back...either in the church or my home...You know the address, right?” Nick named the address on Lansdown road. “Right. I'll be there, I promise. No more old bosses”, Arthur tried to make a joke. “Arthur, I don't...I can't do that...”, Nick whispered. “Yes, you can...Please, Nick, trust me...” “No, I mean...I can't meet them....” Sadness mixed into his expression. “I just can't.” “Why not?” “It's because what James did...what I did for him...They can't forgive me...It's over. I can't go back there.” “But Brad is here just for you.” “Yeah, well...He's the nicest but I don't know what he really thinks of me...Perhaps they just want to interrogate me some more...I don't want to leave you just for that!” “But...isn't that your life's work? Isn't that what you've been fighting for?” “Yeah, sure...” Nick suppressed the memories. “But now I have you! I lost this band long ago and I should probably move on...” “I just don't want you to regret this, Nick. All my life, I've been running away from my problems and from other people. There's not a single moment I don't regret now. I came back to you and...See how it paid off! Don't these people mean something to you?” Nick thought about it. “Sure...I spent the biggest part of my life with them...I just think there's no hope...” Arthur knew that feeling. “Please give this a chance. Be sure. It's still possible that you mean a lot to them. Don't spend the rest of your life wondering what could've been.” Nick eyed him. “And if don't mean anything to them?” “Then I'll be here for you. No matter what happens, you can come back to me. So, it won't be that bad, right?” Arthur squeezed Nick's shoulders and tried a smile. “I swear, if I see you now for the last time...”, Nick urged him. “I'll be good, I promise! I won't climb into holes, I won't start a fight, I'll just stay here and wait”, Arthur declared. Nick sighed deeply. Than he pulled Arthur into a tight hug. “Stay strong, Nick...”, Arthur whispered. “It pays off, I promise...” “I love you...” “I love you too...” They slowly parted and Nick went to follow Brad to the next band meeting. Arthur watched Nick go, hoping he did the right thing.

Nick went along with Brad but he didn't look happy. Also, he didn't say a word. "I'm glad for you...about Arthur...", Brad said some time later. "It's the best thing that happened to me since after the riot...", Nick answered glumly. But he was surprised about the condolence. "How are you guys doing?", he asked quieter. Brad needed a moment for his answer. "We had a rough night..." Nick crossed his arms. "Is it really a good idea to bring me back?" "Nick...just try your best, okay?", Brad said urgently. "I'm here for support, but I can't work wonders." Nick was already longing for Arthur's arms again. He only nodded. When he noticed they were walking into the same alley again, he asked: "So, you pick up where you left off?" "We're living here", Brad explained. "We came here often, to have a moment for ourselves, to cope with all this...Since no one claimed this house back, we stayed." "Did you ever think of going back to Hamlyn Village?" "Well, yes, but...somehow, everybody is still here...waiting for something...We can't just go on like before..." "Yeah...", Nick only said. They crossed the backyard again and entered through the back door. It felt weird to see a normal house from inside again. It seemed as if he viewed it through a dirty window. This world was pale and dusty, not like he remembered it. What did his own home look like now?

Matt approached them. "Oh, it's you", he said past Nick. "That's a sad greeting", Brad answered. Matt hung his shoulders. "Chris is gone again." Brad sighed. "He'll come back...He needs more time..." Matt didn't answer but eyed Nick waveringly. "And you?", Nick therefore asked. "Do you want to see me or would it be better if I left too?" Matt leaned against the doorframe. Without the mask, Nick could clearly see how tired and disappointed he looked. "I have questions, Nick...", he said quietly. "I can't forget about Morrie, ever since he entrusted himself to me..." Nick looked down. "You know my ways..." "Yeah, I know, and for all I care, you can do what you want with your birds! But Morrie was one of us! Why didn't you at least tell him the truth?" Nick gulped. "James wanted met to keep them both..." "You told him?" "Yeah..." Nick took a deep breath. "As I said, he was my therapist. I told him many things...I really thought he'd help me..." "If you had any common sense, you would've known what to do!" "I couldn't decide, okay?", Nick blurted out. "Properly speaking, Arthur was first. I just didn't know that he...I only learned that after I met Morrie again." "Then you should've told him he's too late!" "Do you think I'm that cold? Just brush him off like that..." "And instead you rather play with Morrie? Or both of them?" Matt snapped in disbelief. "Sure, that's way more fun!" "It wasn't about fun! I wanted to be fair to both of them and I didn't know who to choose, so I asked James for help...Now in hindsight, I know that he wanted me to lose both of them, so that he had me for himself....or he wanted me to be cruel to my loved ones, to learn to like it...But I didn't." "Still you didn't do shit!", his former friend spat. "I wanted to tell Morrie, just the day he..." Nick stopped. "The day Morrie found out himself! How very noble of you! We heard your last fight with too, you know?" "I needed it to wake up...James must've known that the game was over, that's why he..." "How did he know? And how did he know where Morrie was?" Matt glared at him. "...I don't know..." Nick felt a cold shiver run down his spine. "I didn't tell him! I didn't visit him that night! He had to be one of the guests!" "Or you told him ealier that you wanted to spill it all out to Morrie..." "No! I made that decision all alone! He didn't know anything", Nick insisted. "Really, Matt! I would've confessed already! I told you about Virgil...I'm searching for memories every day...but there's nothing..."

After a short pause, Matt asked: "Did it really matter what James said? Be honest, wouldn't you have kept both of them anyway?" Nick thought about it, then he shook his head. "I've made an oath to Morrie...Then I met with Arthur again, because...because everything had started with him...because he saved my life, because I couldn't reject him like that...But then...I think I would've stopped this earlier. I admit I was worried about Arthur, because he was a Downer and I wanted to help him. But I also wanted Morrie back...He said I could tell him everything...Without James, I couldn't keep this up for so long...I would've told Morrie without knowing what to do afterwards..." "Not Arthur?" "Well...he was so...chary...He would've left...would've thought it was his fault...It would've been the same as breaking up." "But you are serious about Arthur, right?", Brad suddenly asked with an urging look. Nick returned the gaze. "Yeah, I am!" "But he never knew?", Matt pointed out. "He...found out...and he forgave me...I did something right with him...and now I'll stay with him..." "Why, I thought he's missing?" Nick smiled for the first time. "He came back last night." "That's true. I met him", Brad confirmed. "Really, Matt! If it hadn't been for the fake Blackberry Joy, I wouldn't have been so cruel! I would've told Morrie the truth! I didn't want to lose him again! I loved him!" Matt didn't answer. His expression was gloomy. Nick slumped down on a chair, out of energy.

"Did you really have to engage with this James?", Matt muttered after a while. Nick made a face. "Virgil wasn't an option anymore....I've had a nasty fight with him and he was sick of me, I think. He barely came to see me, he only communicated via notes..." "But he was back for us too." "Yeah, because you were a promising offer! Actually, he already had a new star. Without you, I wouldn't have had another chance!" "Wait...he had a new star?" "Yeah, Birdie...you remember? She played the gig with us on Memorial Day." "Oh, right..." Matt remembered. "And I thought she was a substitute for Arthur." "Was she a substitute for Arthur?", Brad asked. "No", Nick said with emphasis. "We were both mourning for Virgil, that's all." They fell quiet. "I admit, I had given up already. James was the one who made me think that I coud still be useful..." He laughed bitterly. "He gave me so much hope. He made me feel I could redeem myself. Ironically, without his Joy I would've never made it. I was always stoned or drunk or both and I never knew what day it was...With his Joy, I suddenly got through the day without needing other drugs...I was kinda normal again...That's why I trusted this stuff. I could never remember any...raidings, until it was too late." "Do you know why he was after you?", Brad asked more mildly. "No...He claimed to be a fan...Said he wanted me to be a star again...Perhaps he wanted to punish people by turning their idol into a killer, or he was crazy enough to think he was doing me a favour...I don't believe he wanted to take revenge on me...he wanted me as a friend..." "One can do without such friends", Matt muttered. Nick curled up and nodded as an answer. Brad walked closer. "You know, after ditching us like that, we thought you used us, screwed us over good and proper. A few days ago we thought you did it again. But you were serious, right?" "Yeah, I never wanted to screw you over! I wasn't myself when that happened! Perhaps you remember now that we didn't come along anymore. But I didn't want us to split, so I begged Virgil for help. He offered me to go on with my own band...I was so high, I didn't notice what it really meant...Later I had no clue what happened, I only knew I wronged you and I wanted to make up for it. Instead I made it worse..." He rubbed his eyes. "Chris is right. I am an idiot." The others didn't dissent. "But it was nice to see you again...to believe I could belong again...It was the best feeling...better than Joy." The room fell silent. Nick waited for them to dismiss him.

Suddenly, Chris entered the scene. "Well, what a party...", he commented, sitting down on a chair and crossing his legs. "You three are really getting along..." Matt took a deep breath and stretched himself. "This is just a gigantic pile of shit..." "Well said!", Chris approved. "The whole town though...", Brad replied. The two exchanged tense glances. "Come on, the Joy, the crazy doctors, the masks with fake smiles, the way we've been starving without noticing, how we've been betrayed all the time, you can't tell me it doesn't matter." Chris made a face. "How lucky he is, that in addition the whole town ran wild...It makes his own mistakes seem so much smaller..." "You can't blame this on him." "And you can't use it to defend him!" Chris banged on the table. Then he got up. "Norbert always only cared for his own well-being! He had used us before! I guess you don't give a shit anymore, but you're also not the one he stole his riffs from! I had to put up with this! He fucked up my career, not yours!" "If you think he stole something from you, you should speak to him." “If I think?” Chris was upset. “Have you lost your memory? You used to know he stole our ideas!” “I believe you mean something else.” “Do you? And what?” “You should tell him.” They looked at each other for a while, then Chris turned to Nick. “Do you also think I'm making this up?”

Nick gave him a short glance, then eyed the floor again. “I always admired you...”, he quietly said. “I always wanted to...sound like you, already when I wasn't a part of the band yet...I wanted to impress you.” “And you think it impresses me when you're stealing?”, Chris snapped. “I didn't steal! I only sounded similar.” “What a coincidence!” “You gave me lessons, do you remember? You taught me a lot of things and I soaked it all in.” “And this is how you thank me?”, Chris shouted. “Because I've been such a good friend you make me look like an impostor? Steal all my success and make me vanish from the scene?” “I wasn't myself! I was so stoned, I didn't know what I was doing!” “Oh, right, it's the Joy's fault! May I remind you that we've all been taking it but only you turned out to be the traitor in the end? I was your own character, Nicky!” “You didn't have Virgil...” “So it's also Virgil's fault? Funny he's dead and can't defend himself.” “He wanted me as a star! That's why he continued with me and no one of you! And he wanted me to play our songs!” “I bet you went along just fine.” “I thought it was temporary. I never realized we split until much later.” “You thought we'll subordinate us to the Golden God like good boys...” “I didn't see it like that! I was high!” Nick gave Chris a begging look. “And spoiled! You never noticed how everything was centred around you!” Chris folded his arms. Nick eyed the floor again. “Believe me, it was never about me...we've always been a team...” “You got used to your solo-career rather quickly...” “Of course I didn't refuse to be a star! But I didn't plan it from the start, you can't accuse me of this!” “You were simply lucky, right?” “I never asked Virgil why he wanted me of all people...But I can't claim that he was wrong.” “Perhaps you've been the most reckless.” “If I was reckless, I would now wander though the Garden District with James, cutting hearts out of Wastrels! But I freed myself from him!” “With Arthur's help, I assume.” “If he didn't mean so much to me, I would've killed him! And if I didn't do anything right with him, he wouldn't have come back to me!” Nick became quieter again. “I'm sorry that it went that way....I would've loved to be a part of you again...Giving you what I owed to you...I didn't want to put you in danger...I'm sorry that you're better off without me.” He got up. The others watched him but kept quiet.

“If you have no more questions, then...” “You want to leave?”, Matt asked. “I don't know...does it matter, what I want? What do you want?” He looked into awkward faces. “I have Arthur now, who's giving me a chance...I need to prove him that I'm not a reckless traitor.” “Wait...I thought he's missing?”, Chris asked. “You're not quite up-to-date”, Matt explained. “Arthur is back. Brad did see him, too.” “But this is also weird!” “But it's true”, Nick insisted. “Arthur and I got separated, because someone else had a score to settle with him...He came back last night.” “Holy shit...” Chris wiped his forehead. “What a mess...” “I don't expect you to believe me...I had my chance”, Nick said gloomily. “Is he okay?” Nick was surprised again. “Yeah...he's not hurt...” Chris nodded and silenced. Nick looked around, waiting if someone spoke up again. Matt seemed to have an inner fight with himself and Brad looked deep in thoughts. Nick couldn't bear the silence any longer and went out of the room. Brad followed him. Nick noticed that he didn't want to stop him, but to lead him to the door. Nick tried to cope with this kind of goodbye when Brad said quietly to him: “Norbert, we let you leave now but it doesn't mean you're not allowed to come back. The others need more time, but you did well...There's still a chance.” “Why do you support me like that?”, Nick asked, looking up to him. Brad's expression became thoughtful. “Well...perhaps I'm nostalgic...Perhaps I'm clinging to our old life...But we don't have much left, only ourselves...We don't even know if we'll ever get off this goddamn rock...Fighting is no use...” “What if I left for good?” “It wouldn't change anything! They're just about to blame you for all that happened to them in the past ten years! They would live another lie and I don't want that! I want to leave this shit behind!” “So, what do you want from me?” “Just wait one more day. You gave them something to chew on, so let's wait what becomes of that.” “Okay...” Nick was taken aback once more when Brad patted his shoulder. “Why aren't you mad? Yesterday I was afraid you'd kill me,” he blurted out. “I was mad, that's true...But in the end, we've all been stupid, we've all been listening to Uncle Jack and the Joy Doctors...I can't believe what I did myself... Let's just say it was a good idea not to tell me that Arthur was a Downer...”, he said bitterly. “I would be even more ashamed if you'd get all the blame alone.” “Hey...” Nick was about to touch his arm, but thought twice. “Thank you...” “Nothing to thank me for...” Nick left the house with a better feeling than he had hoped for. But perhaps it was because he looked forward to see Arthur.

He searched for him in the church at first, but his lover wasn't there. More nervously, he made his way to his house...what was the address again? For a moment he had a blackout, but then he remembered and muttered it quietly to himself, over and over. When he could finally clasp Arthur in his arms, he didn't let go for a long time. Arthur went inside the house with him. “How did it go?”, he asked, fondling Nick's hair. He had a presentiment, because Nick was so clingy and he already regretted his advise. Nick slowly let go. “They didn't decide yet. Brad wants us to be friends again but the others can't forgive me yet. I don't know if they ever will...I made such a mess...” “Do you regret going back?” Arthur was worried. “Some things really hurt to hear...But you're right, I would've always asked myself what could've happened...Like this, I have a chance...” They hugged again. “I...was in the tunnel suite today...”, Arthur began. “You've been in the tunnel?”, Nick flared up. “Arthur!” “Only the one in Hamlyn! There was no landslide. I was careful.” “Why were you there?” “Because we still had supplies there...I see people trying to save what they can and I want to help, too. I brought as much as I could carry and handed it to the doctors. I also made healing balms until I ran out of stock.” “You're indispensable, King”, Nick sighed. Arthur furrowed his brows. “I found something else, too...I think it's for you...” He pulled something out of his pocket. Looking at the black envelope, Nick started to shiver. “Where did you find this?” “On your bed.” “No...no...this can't be!” Nick eagerly shook his head. “Do you know who writes these letters? Foggy Jack!” “It could be an old one”, Arthur tried to calm him down. “We haven't been there for a long time.” Nick caught his breath. “Right...it could be...” Then he unsurely eyed the letter. “Is it dangerous?”, Arthur asked. “Actually...he always wrote completely normal letters...If...if he's still alive...then...we have to...” “We will”, Arthur said firmly. “He can't hide as easily as before. People are not on Joy anymore, they can remember him and we can warn them.” Nick nodded and took the letter with shaking hands. He gave Arthur a short glance before he opened it and pulled out the piece of paper. Foggy Jack's handwriting made a shiver run down his spine. He needed to sit down in order to go on.

My dear Nick, sometimes fate goes strange ways. I'm writing you, hoping that you're able to read this letter one day, that this town in it's insanity didn't lead you into the abyss. That I didn't lead you there. I was already a shadow of myself when you fell into my hands. I don't expect you to accept this as an apology, but I never intended to hurt you. I really believed that I was helping you. Don't worry, you did never kill. That's what I told you because I wanted you to get used to the thought. A part of me still regrets that you didn't decide upon me. I will miss you. We could've lived our lie a little while longer... Don't look for me. I know I've come to the end of my time. My life is leaving me hour by hour. I was exposed to “Blackberry Joy” for too long. But you have a chance. Use it. Farewell, my friend! Your biggest fan Jack Worthing

Nick had to read the letter multiple times to fully understand it. “Jack Worthing?”, he then asked. “So it was him!”, Arthur said. “I knew I've heard the voice before!” Nick gave Arthur a helpless look. “Jack Worthing was James?” “He must've drugged you so you won't notice. What did he say?” “It's a...goodbye letter...” Nick actually felt grief for a moment. “It sounds like he's dying...of Joy-withdrawal.” Nick stared at the paper. “Uh...hooray?”, Arthur said quietly. “I feel sick...” Nick leaned back and let the paper fall on a counter. Arthur was quickly at his side, putting an arm around his shoulders. “Come, let's have a rest. Nick followed without hesitation.

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