@whilliams said: i’m only good because he was good.
his name doesn't need to be spoken for a dark incense to form around them— his absence is the constant reminder of her failure on virmire. she feels the guilt every time she walks around on the normandy's deck, the glances burning into the back of head from the crew. it makes her skin crawl. (ashley's survival and presence is a reminder, too. it's why nina keeps their conversations brief and professional, never crossing into the camaraderie she once had shared with kaidan.)
"alenko was a good man and a good soldier. he taught the whole crew many things. he'll be missed both on the ship and by the alliance." the professional answer is easier to give and it doesn't make her want to blast her head against the wall. the words don't nearly tug as hard on her heartstrings as the other thoughts burrowed deep in her mind do. he's dead because of me, being the leader of the charge. (after all, she made the decision. only one of them could survive and she made her decision. she dug kaidan alenko's grave the moment she was given control of the normandy.) teeth biting down on the inside of her cheek, digits run themselves through flaxen hair before a deep breath is exhaled.
"he was also a good friend. to me, to you, to everyone on this ship. he was there for them and, on a lot of occasions, for me. he was a one of a kind guy. the galaxy doesn't make 'em like him anymore." and that's the reality of their situation sinking in: he is dead, there is nothing anyone can do to alter the story, and she's so full of grief that she could almost vomit.