Honestly, to say that this turn of events was shocking would be an understatement. If I had been alive, not as an angel but as a human, I was certain that seeing Cai again and seeing him this way, in such despair, so unlike the Cai I remembered and loved, would have broken my heart. Actually, it may have stopped it. This wasn't at all how I imagined our reunion. I imagined that when my duties as a guardian angel were done, I would wait for Cai in Heaven and that he would arrive there and the life we had worked so hard for could be modified in the ethereal plane. That had genuinely been my hope, as life without Cai was tough, even as an angel.
Now, however, those hopes and dreams were dashed. Cai was here, standing before me. Yet, he wasn't MY Cai. Mean as it might sound, it was genuinely heartbreaking to see Cai as he was now. I could feel the despair. I could sense that something wasn't right about the whole situation. Yet, I was a new angel. I had no idea how Heaven worked. All I knew was that Ramiel, who had guided me and helped me discover that I was the Guardian Angel of Hope, was just a boy or so he looked. I also understood that he could not be everywhere. However, what had happened to Cai was beyond me. Something, however, did not sit right in my stomach. The entire situation just seemed wrong and seeing MY Cai this way, seemed wrong. EVERYTHING about the situation was far from ideal and was nowhere near how it was supposed to happen, or how it was supposed to happen in my mind.
I couldn't keep from staring at Cai. I knew his face, I had memorized it. It was in my dreams each night. The memory of my happy, upbeat Cai and of the life we had before I died had gotten me through every day. My apartment was barren, empty, except for the artwork my little neighbor had made that I kept on my fridge. Otherwise, the apartment was whitewashed walls, a couch, a table, some chairs, a tv, and a bedroom with a bed, nightstand and dresser. There were no decorations. There were no pictures. There was nothing to make it home. It was simply a place to live. Ramiel visited sometimes and made a face. He told me it was boring and I should make it my own, but I never could. It wasn't home without Cai. It never could be. It was the place I laid my head when it needed rest. It was the place I refueled when I needed to eat. It wasn't home.
Home to me is where Cai is. It's being able to see his smiling face every single day, even if it's just watching him sleep. Home is waking up beside Cai, holding him a little closer so that I can breathe in his scent. Home is where the heart is and my heart is always with Cai, even now when the Cai before me was far from the Cai I remembered, my heart was there with him trying to decide how we were going to fix this, because to me nothing involving Cai and our love was unfixable and I was now determined to fix this mistake the universe had somehow made.
"Maybe he couldn't stop it? I don't think Raphael or Ramiel would have let this happen if they could stop it, Cai. YOU are supposed to be in HEAVEN, I know it! You are so...or you were so...so kindhearted, brilliant, sweet, happy and bubbly...a soul like THAT doesn't end up in hell unless it's stolen from Heaven's grasp." I truly believed every word I spoke to Cai. I knew that this was some trick, some lie to get him to be a demon. He couldn't REALLY be a demon. He was my Cai and my Cai was too kind, gentle and loving to ever be bound for Hell. He didn't have a evil bone in his body. Something was wrong here and I had to figure it out or die trying. I knew I would be speaking to Ramiel later, there was no and, if or but about it...I needed him to explain to me why someone like Cai would bei n Hell. I needed him to tell me it was a mistake and that there was a way to fix it. I NEEDED my Cai and I had to find a way to make that happen. "It says NOTHING unless you let it say something! What are you saying, Cai? What ARE you saying? We're opposites...NO! NO! We are NOT opposites. There is a mistake! Someone is lying and I can guarantee it isn't ME. It's whoever this MUIR is. He somehow did this and I WILL get him for it, as soon as I figure this out! I will FIX this." My temper was flaring. Not at Cai, but at the situation. I was losing control and I didn't know HOW I was going to fix things, but I HAD to. I couldn't have Cai in front of me only to lose him. Yet, his words, the fact he had called us opposites were actually scaring me. I was afraid he meant to leave, to walk out of my life and honestly, I couldn't have that. Now that I knew where he was, I needed him here and I needed to fix him because seeing him as he was, broke me.
I shook my head at his words, my pacing only quickening. I wasn't in control and I didn't understand this. I couldn't say goodbye, he had to know that. This wasn't him. I could fix it. If losing me was the problem, he could have me again and I could make it right, right? I thought so and I hoped so. I really did because I couldn't handle this. I couldn't handle the lack of control. I couldn't handle my inability to fix things, to bring hope to my own soul mate, my lover, my former fiancee. I couldn't do it. "YOU HAVE ME NOW! YOU HAVE ME NOW!" I yelled not out of anger, but out of emphasis, repeating myself and just trying my hardest to show him that he had me now. That HAD to help. "Cai, please, this ISN'T you! It ISN'T! I know it isn't. You have to believe ME! Why believe that...demon? What does he have that makes you trust him. Trust ME. Something isn't right here!" I was getting desperate and I felt the hot sting of tears. I, myself, was losing hope. I, myself, was despairing for fear of losing Cai all over again, of losing the part of myself that his presence alone could bring back, the part that had been missing since I was made the Guardian Angel of Hope.
Posted by: itsalwayssummerinthesongs
