a gift of pain to @whitestared because you can’t pull a maria card AND respond to my pain with more pain in one night, and not expect repercussions tbh.
by the time she had told steve, she was already a little under four weeks into the pregnancy, && she played the days to follow like a waiting game. as if an accident was waiting to happen. they pass swimmingly, && by seven weeks, tanya was really beginning to believe that she might just have a chance this time. a chance at a family. with steve.
three more weeks, && she’s already succeeded her other pregnancy by a whole month. it made her so excited, infact, that she actually broke the news to her brother. tony was overjoyed for her. he kissed her forehead, && he promised her that if she needed anything, he would be there for her.
“ that’s what big brothers are for ” he insists.
&& she takes him up on that offer, just 11 days later, after the sharp pain && the rush of blood. the one day that steve happened to be out, too. really, the timing couldn’t have been any worse. ( or maybe his absence was a good thing, she wonders. tanya never did want to worry him, after all. )
tony arrived, sweeping her into the car quickly && taking her to the hospital, where she spent the next few hours in terror. leaving a voicemail on steve’s phone, assuring him that she was with tony && there was nothing to worry about. hoping ( or rather, PRAYING ) that the doctors come back to tell her that everything was fine.
they didn’t. of course they didn’t. because when had these types of things ever had a happy ending for her ?? she was no princess && this was no fairytale. “ it’s no one’s fault ” they assure her, as tears run free from her eyes, her brother’s hand rubbing her back in a soothing manner.
they promise that she could try again, once everything has gone back to normal, but she questions if she wants to go through this loss again for the third time in her life. it was little things like this that make her realise how strong her mother’s heart was. all that loss had moulded a heart like iron. a heart that couldn’t be broken by the strongest of things.
tears dry, && soon she’s in the car once more, this time on the way back home. at least, that was the plan at first, before she asks her brother if he could take her for an ice cream instead. steve was probably home by now, && she didn’t want to talk with him face to face just yet.
from the ice cream parlor, the brunette checks her cell phone. four missed calls. three of them from steve, one from natasha. this was strange to her, considering that the redhead often chooses to text her instead, rather than to call. steve must have told her, she assumes. the ice cream helps to take her mind off it, so long as her mind remains on the ice cream, that is.
when she finally gets home, the door is opened, before she even knocks, && that is how she knows that steve has been watching. waiting for her to return. he doesn’t need to ask, because in a way, he already knew. && that’s when the waterworks start again. she spends the night in his arms, crying until her eyes are puffy. until her tears stain her cheeks. crying to the point where she cant cry anymore.
they don’t talk about it the next day. or the day after. in fact, it’s weeks ( practically MONTHS ) before tanya can even bring herself to address the loss with him. && its a tough topic, possibly the hardest thing she has ever had to talk about. but still, she tells him she’s okay now ( a lie ). tells him that she’s not bothered. ( she is ).
“ if you want... i want to try again. ”
the only thing that wasn’t a lie from her whole conversation with him, the words that she never thought she would say again. but if her mama could do it, then so could she. && one day, maybe she could tell herself that she was just as strong as maria.
