childhood
in been while under the influence beyond influence never was i scared of heights even on alot of drugs although pot brought me great anxiety it only showed me that i had them addiction comes with i always said i was a very excited person anticipatory anxiety hated it but it brought me great enthusiasm and only worked harder to finish earlier or move on to something else my work ethic was idiotic nobody worked harder then me nobody not even off of zero hrs of sleep and 24 pack of beer last night and 3 in the shower and 3 at lunch i had to do what i had to do and i would not make it obvious i learned to control myself being under any influence i was freak in that area always driving always risking it all everything just for the rush nothing was more batter for me to be stoned on first date or beyond drunk or blackout at the gym nobody ever new i was more of a been calm collected cool anyways i was never anything like my father or his friends not until maybe this year i have done a lot of growing realizing suffering these passed few years its really something the amount of growth you can go through in such a little time i remember freaking out to my therapists wow i know so much im schooling you all at a young age but was never as aware as i am today so i guess i never was great just good very good but i new and i told them i cant believe what i am going to be like in 5 years let alone 20 id say that to them and its hard to put yourself there and remember every fucking moment but i was always very good at talking if i could get you to talk with me it was a sold out date i could make anyone love me i new that but not anybody a lot of people had there heads up their asses some particularity people sour taste it was when you truly never new me or the 120 grand i had in the bank with me she never talked to me after the first couple years always playing presenting molly to me oh whos she fucking lesbian thing for real though and i was what i was that was what that was a very hard family to know and i was as hard i had to be but no more then i bit ignorant other then within the confines of just talking being civil nobody wanted civil with me becuase that was to easy for me they expected more and i am more now much more very much more iv dove deep into my phychy found much reason and it only gets better i new i was always good at knowing a box maybe not that good but i was good i am still learning everyday its only getter hotter in here "its hot in here"
