It's not your fault, you're just guilty by association. They don't respect me, but I know you try, you try, you try. Or, at least, that's what I told myself. Firstly, my name is not Kat. That's what you've forgotten. But it's not Kase either. I never told any of you that. I never told you a lot of things. I never told you how much I love you. I tried to tell you once, but you just ignored me. You don't know how much it hurts. You don't know how much it hurts to see you hang out with those fuckers who can't tell male from female, binary from nonbinary. It hurts that it's not their fault. It hurts that for as long as I've known you, I've been in love with you. It hurts that I see you every day knowing that you see me wrong. Everyone sees me wrong, but you especially. You're the first person I've ever been in love with, truly in love with. And you just see me wrong. I still love you with all my heart. I left you guys because you all ignore me and who I am. None of you even try to care. You're supposed to care, you were my friends. You didn't care, or at least, you never showed it. Yet, I still love, and that's why this is fucking torture. I cut you all off for the sake of my own sanity, but as my feelings for you grow stronger with every glance, everything else just gets weaker. I want to go back. I want to see you again, to talk to you once more. I want to just end this suffering. But nothing will change, will it? None of you have even noticed I left, have you? And if you did, why haven't you fucking said anything? I miss you, can't you see that? Don't you miss me? Did our friendship actually mean nothing to any of you? You know, I say these things, and you probably expect me to just come crawling back to you. You expect me to just drop everything and run back to you, like nothing even happened. There's no way in hell I'm doing that. Yes, it hurts to be away from you. To be away from the person I've loved for at least 8 years. In fact, it's fucking torture. It hurts wishing I could just come back, even for a second. It hurts wishing that somehow this could work in a way that doesn't hurt either of us. But I can't come back. I can never come back. I could barely keep myself under control around you as it was, and who knows what I would do to you if I came back now, after so long away? I can't let that happen, because I know you wouldn't want it. You've told me. You've shown me. I know one reason, maybe the main reason, is that you can't see me as anything other than female, no matter how often I try to tell you otherwise. Or maybe you just don't fucking care. That's a lie, you care about everything. Then again, I'm just nothing to you, right? You like talking about what you care about, but you've never actually talked to me. You don't care enough. All of the time we've shared, all the fun we've had- it means nothing to you. Maybe this is the universes way of playing a trick on me. Forcing me to love someone way too much, when she doesn't even care for me at all. You're an angel. I'm just a useless speck of dust. I love you. I just fucking love you, and that's why I'm avoiding you. Not the others, I'm avoiding them for different reasons. But I've loved you for 8 years, and it won't stop. No matter how hard I try, I can't stop. They say the heart is a monster, and the ribs are a cage. Well, my ribs are broken, and my heart can't be saved. It's the fiercest monster, and avoidance is the only cage that can contain it, that can keep you safe. Yeah, it's fucking torture, but there is no amount of pain that will keep me from protecting you. It's hurts, because I love you so much. Oh, and my name? I've finally got it figured out. That's the only good thing that's happened to me since I left you all. Not that you care, but I might as well say it anyway. Simon. Suit's me, yeah? I think it's a keeper. Simon, the dust particle in love with the angel. That's a me.
