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Note: I apologize if this wasn't up to your expectations ;u;. but Merry Christmas, anyway!
-------------------
After two hours, Hide still feels that letting himself be dragged into attending a goukon was a stupid idea.
The main problem isn’t even that everyone was being obnoxiously loud and trying very hard to pair up and all that nonsense. It isn’t that Hide couldn’t hold his liquor well and wanted to gag sometime soon. It isn’t that he kept thinking about how he should be at home right then huddled under his blankets with a mug of hot chocolate in his hands while watching the finale to that drama he’d been following since the beginning of the year.
The main and most obvious problem is that there were more guys than there were girls.
Hide slumps down further on his seat as though wanting to melt into the cushioning, his hands stuffed deep into the pockets of his jacket. It’s a little chilly even with the heater on and the presence of so many people in the karaoke booth. Hide sighs through his nose, praying for it all to be over soon because he’s really starting to feel awkward - which, is rare for him because he’s usually so sociable. He cringes and tries not to groan as one of the guys (his friend’s friend - he doesn’t know who he is and had no intentions whatsoever to know) tries to impress the girl in his arms by singing in a particularly out of tune manner. Really, it’s taking every shred of Hide’s willpower to not hurl himself out the window and end his own misery.
Hide heaves another sigh before glancing at the spot directly opposite from his seat. Apparently, he isn’t the only poor soul having to go through this suffering. There’s another guy seated across him who looks partially blended into the backrest of the couch already. Hide’s honestly a little taken aback because with his snow-white hair and black fingernails and generally dark attire, he looks more like those funky, outgoing hipster type of guy rather than an introvert. He sits with his shoulder hunched, his gaze fixed on the floor, his fingers fiddling the hem of his shirt. He looks even more uncomfortable than Hide, and the blond honestly pities him. He wonders what had he done to deserve such fate.
Hide’s just playing with the notion that perhaps they’d committed some sort of sin in their past lives like setting an empty house on fire or something when his ears abruptly registers his surroundings once more after god-knows how long of zoning out from it. He blinks back into reality and looks up towards the source of the voice calling his name over and over.
“Oi, Hide! Don’t start daydreaming and bailing on us now!” his friend points a finger at him and threatens. Hide restrains the urge to breathe another sigh simply because he remembers hearing somewhere that the more a person sighs the quicker he ages. His friend is red up to the root of his hair and he reeks of alcohol. Hide doesn’t even want to know how much he’d downed to get this drunk from the cheap beer they’d ordered.
“Well what else do you expect me to do? Start wailing into the mike like you guys?” he retorts in return, crossing his arms and raising an eyebrow. He’s not the type to usually show his disdain, but his patience wore thin in this event. He’d really wanted to watch that finale as soon as it airs and the bad singing and general screaming that’d been invading his ears for the past couple of hours did little to improve his mood.
“At least be a sport and join us in this one game!” his friend begs halfheartedly. Hide peers past him and spots an empty plastic bottle on the table, its nozzle pointed towards his direction. This game, seriously?
“So,” his friend starts, his eyes positively shining with glee at his realization. What was he - thirteen? “Truth or dare, Hide?”
“You’re probably only going to ask for my crush’s name if I choose truth, aren’t you?” Hide deadpans, and his friend only shrugs, a dopey smile on his face. Well, what the heck. He’s already come this far. “Dare it is, then.”
He starts regretting his life choices when the guy breaks into a smirk before motioning to the quiet boy with white hair Hide had noticed earlier. “You have two choices, Hide. You either kiss Kaneki over there in front of all of us, or you hold his hand for the rest of the time we’re here.”
Seeing how the poor guy paled at his words, Hide’s immediately obliged to help him out. “Whoa, whoa. Can’t you ask for something - I don’t know - milder? Or at least something that involves me alone?”
“Awww but Seidou-kun’s just trying to get the both of you to join in the fun since you’re the only ones left out!” one of the girls pipes in, her voice annoyingly squeaky. Hide barely glances at her because frankly, he’s not in his best mood in the moment and would gladly punch any other person who’d taken part in that horrible singing session if they talk to him. It takes his everything to not clamp his hands over his ears when the others start whining along for him to comply to their stupid request.
“Okay, okay, fine!” Hide barely bites back a snap, getting on his feet. The others cheer as he makes his way over to the white-haired boy. Hide’s kind of expecting some sort of desperate pleading look from the poor guy, so he’s pretty surprised when what meets him is a frown instead.
But frown aside, this Kaneki guy really has beautiful eyes, he had to admit. They were huge and the color of liquid moonlight - if moonlight came in bright grey with just the slightest hint of blue, that is. If it isn’t for the killer glare he’s giving him, Hide would’ve found him a little cuter.
“I’m not going to kiss you,” Hide declares, and rolls his eyes when the others whoop in the background. He sinks down heavily onto the cushions before turning to face his companion and offering him an apologetic smile. “I’m sorry. It’s the only way to shut them up.”
What Kaneki says next catches him completely off guard. “My hands are really sweaty, though.”
“Mine aren’t any better, to be honest,” Hide laughs, feeling his mood lifting by a little. He’s glad the guy isn’t as grumpy as he looks. He holds out his hand. “Please bear with me for the rest of our miserable moments here.”
Reluctantly, Kaneki takes it, and Hide shifts his hold to make it feel at least a little more comfortable for the two of them, ignoring the cheers and teases that immediately comes flying their way. Kaneki’s hand is startlingly cold; enough to make the goosebumps rise on his skin. Hide resists the urge to clamp his other hand over the white-haired boy’s and attempt to massage some warmth back into them. He settles with just rubbing circles on the base of his palm with his thumb, and successfully earns himself a bewildered stare from his companion.
“It’s not healthy being this cold, you know,” Hide tells him before he has the chance to speak up. He regards him through the corner of his eye, and grins. Might as well socialize since they’re stuck in this situation. “By the way, I’m Nagachika Hideyoshi. Everyone calls me Hide, though.”
“Kaneki Ken,” Kaneki tells him, popping the knuckles of his free hand in a rather unnerving manner. Hide finds the urge to chide him for that, but he manages to hold himself back. He’s not the guy’s mum, for god’s sake! He struggles to say something else, and by some twist of fate, they are both soon immersed in their own conversation, completely disregarding the racket around them. As he listens to Kaneki going on about his favorite book while looking adorably like an excited child with a sparkle in his initially dead-looking eyes, Hide abruptly realizes just how pleasant the former’s voice sounds. It’s not to jarring to the ears and he’s actually quite soft-spoken despite his appearance. Hide couldn’t help liking the guy already - in the most platonic way, that is.
“Hey, do you like drinking coffee, by any chance?”
Kaneki stares at him like he’d grown another head right after he voices the question, and he laughs.
“You sure seem like a person who’d enjoy sitting alone in a café all day with a good book and a good cup of coffee,” Hide admits amiably. Kaneki gives him a significant look.
“I do,” he says, and Hide’s grin widens.
“I know a place that has the wickedest blend, and it opens until late night,” Hide leans in and tells him. “What do you say? We can ditch this noisy bunch and go there for some peace and quiet instead. It happens to be pretty near.”
“They’ll freak out,” Kaneki warns, not rejecting the idea. Hide waves his hand dismissively.
“They’re drunk,” he points out confidently. “We can slip out while they’re distracted. Or we can say we need the loo or something.”
“They’ll tease us for the second one, but it’s still better than being stuck here,” Kaneki agrees with a small chuckle, and oh dear Hide’s in trouble because he’s seriously starting to really, really like this guy. “We can make a break for it now while they’re focused on that,” Kaneki adds, pointing with his chin towards the group of people gathered in front of the screen and trying to figure out how to make the remote to the karaoke machine work again. Hide nods once before they both stand up, grab their coats and jackets, and make a beeline towards the exit. They make a silent agreement to let them pay for them as repentance for subjecting them to that torture.
It isn’t until they’re out of the building and halfway to the mentioned café that it occurs to Hide that he’s still holding on to Kaneki’s hand. But now that he’s accustomed to their shared warmth, he isn’t that willing to let it go so quickly. So he indulges himself just a little longer until they come to a stop at a zebra crossing. He - regretfully- releases Kaneki’s hand as they wait for the green light, murmuring his halfhearted apologies into his muffler. Kaneki glances at him, but doesn’t comment a word.
“The place’s just down that road,” Hide says before the awkwardness between them could get any worse. It’s pretty late, but it was a Friday night and there were still quite a number of people around. Anyone could’ve seen them holding hands, but Hide decides to not dwell on that. Strangers can judge all they want.
The café isn’t very big, but it sure is the coziest place in town. The lighting isn’t too bright and the chairs are wide and comfortable. The staff are friendly and the coffee is superb. Hide silently praises himself for his accomplishment. The smile on Kaneki’s face right then is the best thing he’d seen all day. Not a bad way to start a friendship, he had to admit.
And what he honestly didn’t expect, was that this strange guy he’d met in a goukon at his foulest of moods, is to end up as his boyfriend a couple of years in the future.
xXx
Kaneki is a ghoul.
A half-ghoul, actually, but a ghoul nonetheless. And Hide doesn’t know that. Or at least he thinks he doesn’t. The blond’s so sharply observant that Kaneki’s pretty sure he’d already had his own suspicions.
Kaneki tries hard, really. He’s careful to order human food that’s the easiest on him when they go out and often uses the excuse that he’d already had a meal beforehand so he wasn’t hungry. He’s had enough practice to keep his single kakugan from randomly making appearances on a daily basis so he wouldn’t need to wear an eyepatch that’s bound to invite some difficult questions. He’s trying his best in his own -self proclaimed- pathetic ways to keep the one person he’d allowed himself to actually love in the dark so he wouldn’t be dragged into a world of blood, violence and murder.
But Hide still accepts him when he finds out later on. Human or ghoul, it doesn’t matter, he’d told him, wrapping him in his arms with a certain tenderness Kaneki can never describe. Human or ghoul, he’s still the one he loves, still the Kaneki Ken he fell for. And of course, Kaneki had argued. A ghoul and a human can never end up well. He may lose control of himself one day and end up hurting or even eating him. He knows he’ll never let himself live down to it if it ever comes to that.
And Hide had cupped his cheeks with his warm, warm hands, and told him in a voice low and brimming with affection; “I don’t mind if it’s you.”
They are both stubborn in their own ways, but they eventually manage to sort things out, fortunately. It isn’t exactly a happily-ever-after after all that, but relationships had never been that easy, had they? Especially one between a human and a ghoul. It’s the effort and heart they put into making things possible that makes it all so darn worth it.
So darn precious.
Hide’s always patient with him. Kaneki’s frequently haunted by nightmares even long after he’d woken up from sleep and he has this tendency to occasionally feel gloomy and insecure - mostly after he’d had his proper meal of human meat supplied by the fellow ghouls in his workplace, Anteiku - and while he’s positive he’s being a burden by acting like that, Hide never complains when he’s working to lift his mood again. Not once. The fact that he’s in love with a man-eating monster does not bother him in the least. The fact that he’s cherishing a creature that survives on human flesh means nothing to him.
Because it’s not like you can help it, right?
As much as Hide tells him that it’s alright and that it doesn’t really matter to him either way, Kaneki vows to himself that he’d never let the blond see him actually eat. It’s too much. He’s too afraid - afraid that one look at his blood covered mouth and the rabid look in his eyes would finally be too much for Hide to bear, would finally be too much for he himself to bear. It’s a selfish wish, but Hide’s the one person Kaneki does not want to look at him like the beast he was. Just one person. The whole world can see him for a monster, but not Hide. Please.
It might be odd in terms of human habits, but ever since he met the blond, Kaneki has his meals in the bathroom. It’s the only place in his apartment other than the entrance that has a door and a lock, and it also makes cleaning up afterwards easier. Some turns of events had led to Hide acquiring the key to his place, and Kaneki wholeheartedly does not want the blond to walk in on him while he’s devouring a human thigh anytime soon. So he locks himself up in the bathroom, and fills his stomach there.
There comes one day when Hide does walk in on him while he’s taking his meal. Kaneki’s just finished unwrapping the parcel handed to him by the manager of his workplace when he hears the closing of his front door, followed by Hide’s loud, cheery voice.
“I’m home!”
Kaneki promptly starts increasingly freaking out. Hide wasn’t supposed to finish work this early!
“Hey, man, you in there?” the blond’s voice sounds from the other side of the locked door after a series of short knocks. Kaneki flinches. He can’t do this, can’t even let Hide hear him tearing apart that lump of meat in his hands.
“H-Hide,” he starts, hating himself already for how shaky his voice ended up coming out. Weakness isn’t something a ghoul can show. Fear and reluctance are the main causes of a downfall. Even if it’s in front of Hide, Kaneki doesn’t want to sound so utterly helpless when he’s sure he’s not. “I’m sorry, but can you wait a bit in the living room? Preferably with your ears covered?”
He knows Hide should have grasped the situation already. “Okay. Take your time, Kaneki. Be careful not to choke!”
Hide’s presence still bothers him beyond his own comprehension, but Kaneki wills himself to accept things as they are. He doesn’t really have the heart to ask his boyfriend to wait outside his apartment in the cold, anyway. He resolves to eat as quickly and quietly as he can, trying his hardest to ignore the insistent gnawing in his stomach that’s tempting him to viciously devour his meal within three gulps in order to ease the rising discomfort.
It’s only after he washes his hands and mouth three separate times that Kaneki’s sure he’d gotten rid of every trace of blood from his being and had the slightest confidence to look at Hide in the eye. With dread weighing on his shoulders, he unlocks the door and trudges out, his gaze downcast. He barely takes two steps when he feels a pair of hands on his shoulders. He looks up, his apology already at the tip of his tongue.
“Hide, I’m-“
He’s cut off by Hide’s lips pressing softly against his own. Kaneki’s heartbeat quickens as he starts to panic once more. What if there’s still faint traces of blood on his mouth? What if his breath still stinks of flesh? What if Hide finally acknowledges that he’s a monster? He makes a sound of protest and pushes against the blond. No, he doesn’t want that. He doesn’t want Hide to leave him.
Hide deliberately ignores his efforts, much to his chagrin. The blond’s hands move higher until they’re resting gently on the curve between the bottom of Kaneki’s jaw and neck, the warmth of his touch seeping into his skin and into his very core. Kaneki’s frequently told by his colleagues that his hands and feet are so cold because (apart from the fact that his blood circulation is probably a little messed up) he had a heart of ice - something he can’t deny because no matter how you see it, he’d changed ever since he was turned into an artificial half-ghoul. His world had been flipped upside down in a matter of hours, and certain circumstances had eventually forced him to accept his fate in a kill-or-be-killed world. He had to be strong, even if it meant breaking himself.
Being with Hide, with his unrestrained touchiness, silly humor and overflowing positivity, Kaneki slowly feels the ice around his heart melting off bit by bit. Not to the point of returning to his old, demure self who was painfully naïve and utterly defenseless, but enough for him to feel human again. And to him who has long abandoned his humanity for the sake of protecting the people he cared for, having that feeling is almost like a fantasy come true. He’s a ghoul, but he’s also a human.
“You’re beautiful, Ken,” Hide whispers against his lips before leaning in to kiss him again. Kaneki’s torn between resuming his efforts to resist and giving in to Hide’s touch. He decides to do neither, apparently, and stands very still instead, unresponding. Hide notices it and pulls back, tilting his head slightly to the side in question. His bright brown eyes searches his for answers.
“What’s wrong?” he asks tentatively, his voice laced with concern. He sighs when Kaneki doesn’t answer him even after a while, a weary smile tugging at his lips. He should’ve expected this. Without saying another word, he pulls his companion into an embrace, his fingers moving to slowly comb through his hair.
There’s always something about Hide’s hugs that crumbles Kaneki’s resolve and makes him feel vulnerable yet so securely protected. Perhaps it’s the way he holds him; not too loosely as though he was afraid he’d break from the extra force, and not too strongly as though he wants to crush the breath from his lungs. If Kaneki were to put it in words, Hide hugs him just tight enough to be comforting, assuring. And that’s what he needs most - assurance. That it’s okay. That he’s not afraid. That he’s here, that he’s not going to leave him.
“We.. shouldn’t stand here,” Hide starts after a while of holding Kaneki in silence. They part, but Hide reaches for Kaneki’s hand and holds it in his own before gently leading him to the living room - which, also happens to be the latter’s bedroom because he could only afford and bother to stay in a small studio apartment - and settling down on the edge of his bed.
“Hide,” Kaneki finally overcomes his stupor and allows himself to breathe. Hide hums in reply, entwining their fingers. Kaneki pauses for a split second before speaking again. “Thank you.”
“I have no idea what for, but you’re welcome,” Hide laughs in his usual light-hearted way, feeling the all-too familiar flutter in his heart when Kaneki leans his head sideways on his shoulder, his soft white hair tickling his neck. “You know I’ll never hate you, no matter what.”
Wordlessly, Kaneki nods. Sometimes, he’s come to realize, it’s best to leave things as it is between them. He shouldn’t make it harder for the both of them. Hide’s trying his best to convey to him that he’s not affected with the fact that he’s currently digesting part of a human body, and he should respect his efforts. He shouldn’t strain things any further.
“You’re off early today,” Kaneki says in a rare attempt to change the topic. Confusion wells up in him when all Hide does is chuckle in response.
“You can’t expect me to work late today of all days,” the blond says incredulously, and Kaneki doesn’t really come to a better understanding until he adds; “In case you’ve forgotten, it’s your birthday.”
“It’s not like it’s that special or anything,” Kaneki protests weakly despite the childish joy that’s bubbling up within him without his consent. He’d stopped letting himself indulge in something as insignificant as his own birthday a long time ago.
“But I want to make it special for you, Ken,” Hide tells him calmly, shifting their positions so that he could look at him properly. The lights to the room aren’t switched on, but the one in the entryway was and it’s enough for them to see. Hide reaches out, tracing the outline of Kaneki’s face with the back of his fingers. “You deserve at least this much.”
“You’re more than I deserve, really.” Kaneki averts his gaze. “Every other day I spend with you is special enough.”
“Oh, man, that’s actually cheesier than what I said,” Hide snorts and Kaneki’s just considering whacking him upside the head when the former once again catches him off guard by capturing his lips in a kiss. Sadly, Hide’s not as successful this time because Kaneki had just been about to say something, and the kiss had ended up giving him a chapped lip.
“God- I’m so sorry!” Kaneki apologizes at once when Hide leans back with a wince. The taste of Hide’s blood lingers in his mouth and words cannot describe how much he hates himself that very moment for thinking it actually tasted impossibly good. Hide shakes his head to signal that he’s alright, running his tongue over the spot of broken skin. He glances up, and freezes.
“Whoa.”
Kaneki knows what he’s referring to before he even needs to ask. He instantly clamps his hand over his left eye, the shame he’s feeling enough to kill him. He’s done it now. He’s really done it now. His stupid stomach is actually straining for another taste of his best friend and boyfriend even though he’d just eaten barely fifteen minutes ago.
“Kaneki.” When he speaks, Hide’s voice is painfully soft, gentle. His fingers ghost over the hand above his eye. “Hey, let me see.”
“No,” Kaneki shakes his head obstinately. He can’t bring himself to show him. It’s too much. He can’t, he can’t-
“It’s okay,” Hide soothes, giving the hand he’s holding a slight squeeze. “I’m not afraid.”
“But I am,” Kaneki mutters, wanting to just curl up and hide until his wave of hunger subsides. The feral feeling that comes with it had driven him to accidentally hurt many people he’d cared for over the past few years, and Kaneki desperately does not want to add Hide into the list. He’s out of question. A taboo.
“Kaneki,” Hide says again, and the boy in question hears the plea in his voice. “Please trust me.”
And perhaps it’s that that compelled him to do as he’d requested, Kaneki doesn’t know until this day. Reluctantly, he removes his hand from his face. He tries hard not to put it back when Hide closes in to study his kakugan with a sort of childish fascination.
“Have I ever told you how pretty your eyes are?” Hide asks in all seriousness, his gaze fixated at the odd yet strangely captivating combination of a black sclera and red iris. Almost like a vibrant flower blooming in a vast expanse of darkness, he thinks before having to suppress a wince at his pathetic poetic skills.
“You’re just saying that to make me feel better,” Kaneki replies mildly, though he knows full well that Hide had been telling him so practically ever since he met him. Hide breaks his composure and laughs, reaching to push Kaneki’s long fringe back and off his face with both hands.
“But you know what’s a whole lot prettier?” he says, leaning in to kiss the corner of his left eye. “You when you’re smiling.”
“That’s so lame,” Kaneki couldn’t help commenting, a chuckle of his own escaping his lips despite himself. It’s amazing how Hide’s always able to lift the heavy atmosphere that befalls them every too often.
“See? Isn’t that more like it?” Hide points out joyfully, evidently pleased that the tension in the air is finally beginning to fade. He arches his eyebrows when Kaneki’s tongue darts out to flick over the chap on his bottom lip when he leans in to kiss him properly, amused by the reminder that his boyfriend is actually more aggressive than he lets on (a lot more, actually, depending on the situation). “Do I really taste that good?”
“You have no idea,” Kaneki tells him, sounding a little too grim for the mood Hide’s working to create. The latter exhales a tired but fond breath, and with one swift motion, he uses his whole weight to yank the both of them downwards so that he’s sandwiched between his boyfriend and the mattress.
“Then have as much as you want,” he offers generously, tugging his companion towards him to lean their foreheads together. He grins when he senses Kaneki’s instant disapproval at his proposal.
“Don’t say that,” Kaneki whispers fiercely. Hide notices how he sounds like he’s chiding himself as well with the emphasis he put on the word ‘don’t’. “Please don’t say that when it’s taking my everything to hold myself back.”
“Didn’t I tell you already? I don’t mind getting eaten if it’s you.” Hide’s light, confident tone is a stark contrast to Kaneki’s. “But I know you won’t hurt me.”
“That arrogance of yours is seriously going to get you killed one day,” Kaneki says, weary. Then again, he supposed he hadn’t decided to let this boy wriggle his way into that one spot in his heart solely because of his constant warmth and sunshiny demeanor.
“Hey, I have the right to be arrogant,” Hide argues playfully, shifting to look at his boyfriend in the face. “Not everyone in the world gets to date a hot half-ghoul who somehow manages to be cool as hell yet excruciatingly cute at the same time and-“
“Please stop before you give me a bad case of second-hand embarrassment,” Kaneki protests, his pale cheeks reddening. The blond actually dares - dares - to snicker at his reaction.
“Why don’t you make me?” he challenges, and makes a muffled sound of surprise when Kaneki promptly presses a cold hand over his mouth.
“I believe I just did,” Kaneki declares in smug triumph, and Hide makes another series of muffled complaints because just how unromantic can this nerd get? His lack of amusement, however, is short-lived because Kaneki soon stops covering his mouth, and before he even has a chance to make yet another one of his unnecessary remarks, he’s smooching him.
Kaneki’s really, insanely good at chaste kisses and Hide can’t deny that. He has this way of knotting his fingers into his hair and melding their lips together that sends shivers down his spine and turn his brain into mush. For the umpteenth time, Hide wonders just how is it possible that Kaneki had never dated before in his life. The latter once claimed that he’d learnt everything from reading books and internet articles and frankly, Hide finds that unbelievable. It takes practice to be able to kiss like that. Unless Kaneki’s a genius.
Wait. Hide’s pretty sure he is.
“I hate you,” Hide tells him affectionately once they’ve parted. He stifles a grunt when Kaneki proceeds to completely flatten himself on top of him.
“Love you too, Hide,” Kaneki says softly, pressing his ear on the spot just above Hide’s heart. He lets every strong thump of it remind him that everything around him now is real and not just another one of his vivid hallucinations that’s bound to leave him sweating and screaming later on. He lets the warmth that envelopes him convince him that Hide’s really here, really trying once again to make him happy.
“What - you feeling sleepy already?” Hide half whines, sounding disappointed. “And I’ve got so much planned for you tonight..”
“I can’t help it.” It’s comfortable, solid. Reassuring. “It’s been a long day and having a full stomach makes me drowsy.”
“At least let me take a bath and change out of these sticky clothes first.”
“Don’t care.”
“Did I mention how much I hate you?” Hide harrumphs, a lopsided smile finding its way to his lips. He then presses a tender kiss on the top of Kaneki’s head, letting soft white hair poke his cheeks. “But I guess I’ll let it slide this time. Happy birthday, dork. Good night and sweet dreams.”
Kaneki nods slowly and sighs in content before closing his eyes, knowing full well that he would definitely have those tonight.
Saw this gorgeous girl, went up to talk to her. She said something about my lip ring, I said I like gingerbread cookies. This is why I can find a mate. Her face distracted me from her voice. And then I ran away.
