absolutely devastated over how fondly caleb looks at essek. like he looks at him with this half-cocked eyebrow and soft little smile, like he knows him better than he himself does, like they're sharing a million secrets without saying a word, like essek is the only person on his eyes; just deeply intimate and simply fond. and i know this is just the way caleb is, i know that when he looks at somebody he stares right into their soul and leaves a piece of himself there too, i know this is just how he is, but that does not make it any less special, any less butterflies-on-stomach inducing, maybe it even makes it even that much more earthshaking. like i cannot believe they get there, that against all odds, against all the squints and distrustful, distasteful, deceiving and calculated, cold, cold looks they shared before they get there; caleb gets to the point of looking at essek fondly, tenderly, and essek looks back just as soft, just as all encompassing, all consuming. they look at each other like they're in a joke that nobody is on, like the world around them is hazy around the edges, like they're both constantly, always, privately, in the ninth floor of the tower or the astral sea or the inside of a beacon, where all the infinity possibilities are on the table. they look at each other like they are endless & starving for it. im dizzy i need to sit down