#wiggywhines

[sindumpster]

...

[sindumpster]

My tolerance for discourse is fucking nil right now. Never thought I'd reach that point but I feel like there isn't a fucking site that doesn't have a drama going on in my notifications (not including me, I'm not participating in any of these, I'm just...watching). And like...I just can't even look at it without feeling shitty but morbid curiousity and worry for friends keeps me going.

Like usually when I need escapism I have a site I can jump too that doesn't have SOMETHING going on but right now I don't. I haven't for a few days. And this week is one where escapism was really needed.

I dunno what to do but kinda losing it at this point I guess. Need a fucking break. Don't have one. Don't know what to do.

[sindumpster]

I am also in this position myself and trying to get better does indeed feel like anything other than equilibrium is so far off, so I get this wholeheartedly. As for the mindset of “burdening the few friends u have”, I think u need to maybe talk to others who are going or have gone through this. I find that I give better advice that I take, so maybe an outsider perspective is best here? I’ll talk if you need someone, just offering that up.

Basically yeah, being able to experience some degree of emotional normalcy and pushing myself to do it is like asking me to climb a mountain, but I’m not allowed to use my arms or legs. I get to watch other people walk up the mountain and laugh at how ridiculous I look, and I could also slip and fall back down at any second because the mountain is unstable and then I’ll be right back at square one and it’s like I never even tried. And then I get asked why I’m still at the base of the mountain and not “trying”…

I guess I am feeling better per se…apathetic but I haven’t felt better than that in a while and at least now I can fake a smile.

And maybe but that’s like my constant worry is that I’m burdening people, and it stems from several things. But I don’t want to be the person always whining to my friends about my sad emotional nonsense because my circle is small and I don’t want to drive them away or worse, guilt them into staying (they’re also all online because I’m only good when social conventions are put into written form). I want to do “fun things” with them because maybe that would help me feel better, but it’s hard to muster the will or energy to engage, especially with this quarter severely depriving me of sleep. And even when they are okay with my garbage I have to constantly be assured that it’s okay to vent and I feel like that’s burdensome in itself. I guess maybe I’m open to talking but realistically idk if I’d be any good because I feel like I have to be the person to entertain or help others or there’s no real reason for me to be around. Or draw cuz that encompasses the entertainment quota and helps me validate my existence.

This is getting venty but I’m not going to delete or revise cuz it took a while to write and I dunno what I’d put instead. And maybe it’ll give people a better insight into what they’re getting into with me before they buy the product.

[sindumpster]

Why's it whenever people have to ask me "serious" questions 80% of the time it's for relationship advice? What about me and the shit I draw gives any indication that I know how a proper relationship works, especially given I'm aro as fuck?

Please don't involve me in or ask me that stuff. I'm only going to give you common sense bullshit that I would never do or promote for myself and I'm just going to get stressed out af hoping I pulled the proper tidbit out of my ass to help you when I don't actually know what you should do.

Because yeah I'm still going to try to help you because that's my nature but my advice is terrible and ya'lls shouldn't ask me for it. So don't. Please.

[sindumpster]

Anyways gotta carve another new route today so pray for me in the hopes I'm not a fucking idiot for the second consecutive time in the same fucking day///

[sindumpster]

Idk why but I've been in a terrible mood all day and ugh. I mean at least I managed to draw through it somewhat and it hasn't completely fucked me up but I don't even trust myself to even talk to people since I'm just in this weird want to fite mode and don't want to do that. I don't want negative attention even if my brain decided I need it.

Idk anyone else ever gets into this weird "I must attack" mode for no reason??? Or better how to deal with it? I want it to stop.

[wiggywhines]

Drawing would be a hell of a lot easier if I wasn’t tortured with those songs from my grandmother’s funeral mentally playing in my head whenever I pick up the pen.

Granted it hasn’t stopped me yet, but still. A break from it would be nice.

[wiggywhines]

also I fucked up my drawing hand...both wrists actually. gonna try but this is probably gonna be an exercise in pain OTL