This is my venting blog. Why are you even here?

Vents and depressing bullshit, obviously, I'd recommend not proceeding at all. I also just want to document my bad feels/moods so I have a more accurate sense of my issues and how often they strike. Forreal tho, proceed at your own risk, this will probably get messy.

[wiggywhines]

Forgot I had a vent blog but cool. Guess I’ll throw shit here.

I know I shouldn’t focus on numbers but I really need things to work and that kinda does rely on numbers. And being more active. I know it’ll be a slog. I know this.

But goddamn does it suck when you try to field what people want to see more of. You draw it. You like it. You’re kinda excited to post it.

And it flops. The more time I put into things, the harder it flops. So what? Do I just give less shits? Not finish things? Draw things badly? Revert back to my ways of being a shit artist?

Why is it the more artistic merit the things I make have the worse I do? And on top of fucking pandering (by choice, I wanted that too) I get crickets.

What the actual fuck man. I know I deserve nothing but I am doing things right. I am trying to do better. Play the fucking game. When is it. My. Fucking. Turn.

Or am I just supposed to live with the fact that I peaked 10 years ago and NOTHING I DO will ever bring me back in a way that I can live off of. I just want to be an artist. I just want to make it work. I even want to work. And it’s not like I want *all* of it back, just…something. To feel like I’m wanted. Maybe even comfortable.

Maybe it’s just story of my life that I’ll never be good enough. Never be enough. I don’t excel. I’m the last picked for teams. The one that smiles while everyone around you finds success but you just keep sinking. The oldest sibling who is the biggest disappointment. But we pretend it’s fine. It will be okay some day. Some day I’ll look back and be like ‘I came so far from that awful point’.

But I haven’t. All I got is a useless degree that doesn’t matter. A following that might as well not exist. Fuck me.

[sindumpster]

Tbh I wonder if I’ll ever feel like I occupy an existing kink niche. Cuz I always kinda feel like I’m just sorta overlapping two or three main ones but I’m always not quite there with any of them, or I put some sort of spin on it that’s unconventional and hard to get that “lol same” factor with others. So it’s just this general weird n’ awkward sense of never really belonging anywhere, or that I’m trying to create my own niche with weirdass concepts and it gets really exhausting sometimes. Sometimes I wish I could get into more conventional shit or just generic kinks everyone else likes, instead of being highly contextual with everything and being specific with who goes with what kink.

I dunno, sometimes I wish my art style and my kinks weren’t so wack-a-doo at times. And so many time where there’s dichotomy like for instance, fatal vs. safe vore, I typically occupy both sides and then get assumed to ALWAYS be the darker/grittier of the two sides, or I just get the silent treatment from some because there’s still this underlying hate for people who go both ways (also, I’ve gotten legit hate for it too, but w/e don’t actually want those individuals near me).

Still tho would be nice to be more…regular. And also would be nice to not have to play kink roulette all the time and feel a need to seek approval from others because the roulette pulls out some really odd combos OTL

[wiggywhines]

Meh I’ll just bitch openly–space rocks spoiler-ish but not really and won’t make sense unless you’re caught up.

Like a lot of peeps I see whine about characters being flawed and doing fucked up things but honestly that’s not my issue with it. Personally I like grey moralities and seeing characters fuck up because that’s more realistic, and making a selfish choice that impacts so many things negatively and caused so many problems, and makes some previous storylines inherently more fucked up–that’s fine by me man. I don’t want to see everyone goody goody all the time and shit doesn’t have to be wholesome all the time, nobody is wholly good or wholly evil so why should they be?

My issue is coming by it honestly. If a character does a thing that’s terrible or causes terrible things and was guided mainly by a selfish desire, then you gotta frame it like that. Esp if it’s a character you put on a pedestal–if they do shit then they gotta fall off at least a little and be recognized for that fuck-uppage. And what I worry is that we’ll just get an episode or two of freakout and scrambling, and then it’ll just get brushed over like the shit wasn’t bad and won’t be addressed again for who even knows how long and they won’t openly mention how selfish it actually was. Like they better frame that honestly for what it really was–selfish and manipulative lying and leading to a number of reprehensible things instead of trying to push it into “oh, but it’s all good still and they’re still the good guys”.

[wiggywhines]

Drawing would be a hell of a lot easier if I wasn’t tortured with those songs from my grandmother’s funeral mentally playing in my head whenever I pick up the pen.

Granted it hasn’t stopped me yet, but still. A break from it would be nice.

[wiggywhines]

also I fucked up my drawing hand...both wrists actually. gonna try but this is probably gonna be an exercise in pain OTL

[sindumpster]

One thing I hate about being trans is knowing that my existence is still kinda up for debate to some people. That it’s still okay to “agree” or “disagree” with transgender as a “subject” and it’s really hard sometimes to gauge who’s in the latter group. Especially when it’s a person I like and want to hang out with and they don’t even know. Or they like me as the person I’m not and never will be. But I’m too afraid to reveal sometimes cuz what if I’m then rejected? I’m too fragile to handle that from someone I get close to and especially from anyone I see face to face, so how can I get close to anyone without being afraid that’ll be the one thing that gets me pushed aside? That I pass too many holdups for people. I know most are probably okay with it but it’s that lingering uncertainty in knowing that there are people who will reject me without ever knowing me, and would cast me aside if I revealed it. It’s isolating and there’s no easy way around it, and it makes it incredibly hard to trust anyone.