Usually I love Christmas, I used to work in a toy shop and after that a British Legion social club behind the bar. In both jobs I decorated for all occasions and I really enjoyed doing it. Last year I had to give up my job as my mum was unwell and she needed my undivided attention. We were told that she had health anxiety which had brought on IBS and weight loss due to her being unable to eat. We had a difficult Christmas and by 28th December she was rushed into the local hospital, then on Hogmanay (New Year’s Eve) she was sent to a larger hospital for investigation as she wasn’t eating at all by that point and she was constantly being sick. We were told a few days later that she had inoperable bowel cancer and that it had spread to her spine, she had months to live. After over two months of visiting her and an emergency illeostomy operation, she was allowed home so that I could care for her with the help of nurses, carers, physio, dietician and pharmacist. I managed to get almost a stone (14lbs) in weight on her, which I was told is pretty good for a terminally ill cancer patient, but I couldn’t control her body’s inability to fight infection and after contracting pneumonia and yet another stay in hospital, I was told she was coming home for the last time as medically they had done all they could. My mum died a few weeks later, at home with me and my dad by her side.
So the girl who loved Christmas and loved decorating has no tree up this year, no lights, I just don’t have it in me. I miss her so much, I had six months to deal with her dying, and when it happened it still hit me like a ton of bricks. I’m left with the tasks of clearing out her house and selling it, finding a new job, getting my life back together and honestly I don’t know if I can. She was such a huge part of my life for those months. I just need to get Christmas and New Year out of the way, and hopefully I will be able to look forward again.
Sorry this post is so depressing, I just had to get it off my chest, I’m just finding this time of year hard, first one without her!