There was a hollow inside of her. And she was the best at pretending she had filled it in long ago.
Breathe in, breathe out. Empty your head. Focus on the sounds around you, not on the turmoil inside. Breathe in, breathe out.
It was getting harder not to show pain, doubts, thoughts. Those were the loudest and hardest to keep at bay ; they would shriek during every moment of quiet, every second of respite, right after things seemed to finally settle down. It was exhausting. The nights, short and welcome by darkness and nightmares, and the days, grey, lonely and lifeless.
It hadn't always been like that ; the girl usually was of an optimistic nature, but she could not bring herself to focus on the bright side. She tried, oh boy, did she try, but some events, memories, words would slam her back in this mournful state. She hated it. She hated herself for not being stronger. Elnöra often took pride in her ability to face whatever would come her way ; her insight would help considering facts from another point of view and rationalize them. Yet, when it came to emotions, to those feelings that were buried deep down to her very core, it all seemed pointless.
She had never felt so alone.
A ragged breath passed through her chapped lips and she took a second to steady herself ; the silence, created by the falling snow, however soothing, couldn’t keep her thoughts from shaking her. The red-haired girl inhaled deeply, and gazed at the cold flurries escaping her mouth as she exhaled. A smile colored it as the memories of winter blue irises and the music of a laughter invaded her mind. How long had it been since the last time they met ? The gap had spread more and more between each visit of the white-haired boy, but it probably was for the best ; she was no good company, anyway, all sulky and tense. He didn’t need that. He was better off without her. He was…
Truth was she missed him. She missed his words, his smiles and the way he’d always cheer her up. She missed the long afternoons spent in her room, doing everything they could think about, or nothing, as long as they did it together. She missed the mornings she would wake up to his curious gaze or his arms still holding her close after long nights of fear and sadness. She missed it all and more.
But she couldn’t… She couldn’t rely on him. Not now. Not when she was like this. He didn’t deserve to face that. They had shared hard times, allowing trust to grow between them and their link to strengthen, but… This was different. She couldn’t cope anymore. She had allowed darkness to spread and she knew how much it could hurt.
Elnöra didn’t want to hurt Jack, even if she was injured in the process.
The boy had probably felt the distance she had put between them, considering his longer absences. She had managed to consider it a good thing, yet couldn’t get rid of that bitter taste on her tongue every time she thought about him. The whole situation was a mess, but how could have it been different given that her mind was nothing short of a confused chaos ?
Her throat tightened and she swallowed back tears, barely conscious of her surroundings, of the snowflakes that had seemed to fall more and more thickly for the last couple of minutes…