Buck struggles post-season 8 and Chim's speech, so he visits Bobby's Grave and comes back knowing what he needs to do with the support of Bobby.
AO3
***
Buck is struggling even after Chim’s speech.
He understands where it comes from and it makes him feel far too guilty considering that he knows Bobby would want him to do what’s best for him – like he told Hen, she has to make her own choice for what’s best for her and… he has to do the same.
Despite the fact that they haven’t offered Chim the Captain position, he seemed to think that his big speech after a crazy call was enough to elevate him to that position… Buck, personally, doesn’t care – if Chim wants to be Captain good for him, but he’s not going to use that position to keep Buck at the 118.
After the chaos of Eddie listening to Chim rather than Buck when he tried to get him to slow his roll on just upping and leaving without a real plan, Buck asked for some time off. He traveled to Minnesota, saw the city, even went to Bobby’s old firehouse, and then, went by Bobby’s grave.
“You were wrong, Bobby,” Buck states, as he stands there. “I’ve been trying to follow your last words for as long as I can, but I can’t do it anymore – no one will let me. I keep trying and they keep telling me that I am the problem. They won’t talk to me, they don’t eat with me, and the 118 has become just a station, just a number without you.”
“I decided that I needed to leave. The 118, at least, and Chim told me that I would be letting you down and letting your legacy down if I left… he gave this amazing speech, and it worked – for Eddie – but for me… I feel guilty… maybe enough to stay, but I’m haunted. Haunted by the memories of the family we had the 118, just like I was haunted by the memories of Abby way back when and more recently, Eddie when I was living in his house…”
“I’m haunted the way you were, and I know this isn’t what you’d want for me, but I can’t… be there. I can’t be at the 118 anymore, but I don’t want to let you down and –”
There’s a sudden gush of wind and Buck stops.
He closes his eyes for a second and for just a second it’s like Bobby’s standing right beside him. It’s like he told the priest when he attempted to do confession, he can finally feel him.
Feel his presence.
Obviously, Bobby can’t actually talk to him.
He’s gone and Buck’s left here, there’s this veil between them, so he can’t hear him, but he knows what Bobby would say because he already told him in the first couple of weeks after Eddie left, and he was struggling.
I know change is tough, Buck, but sometimes, it’s a good thing. We’re not always going to be at the 118, but we’ve built a strong bond that would transcend being having to work at the same station. Maybe Hen or Chim will decide to go for Captain someday and have to go to another house. Maybe you’ll have to branch out and experience a more elite squad with all of your extensive rescues that the 118 just doesn’t do, but leaving the 118 isn’t the end. It might even be a good thing. Don’t let your fear that you’ll lose us stop you from taking a good opportunity, just like we wouldn’t want to stop Eddie from El Paso or Hen from being a doctor or Chim at the academy. There’re options for you, too. When you’re ready to leave, we’ll support you.
Buck smiles and opens his eyes.
“You’re right, Bobby. I have to do what’s best for me. And I’m not going to lose the 118 and I’m not going to disappoint you by leaving it. I know that now.”
He nods as the wind washes over him, again.
“Thanks, Bobby,” Buck says. “And I know I never said it back, but I know you know that I love you, too.”
***
A few days later, his transfer paperwork in his bag, he stops by Maddie and Chim’s place. Chim’s been named the new Captain, and Buck’s happy for him, and normally his transfer discussion would happen at the firehouse, but Chim is more than his new Captain and it feels like the decision and discussion should happen outside of work.
“Congrats, Chim,” Buck says, as he offers him a present for Jee and Baby Kevin from his trip.
“Hey Buck, thanks, come on in,” Chim says. “You know you could’ve just congratulated me on shift.”
Buck shrugs. “Yeah, but I wanted to have a private chat and it’d be weird in Bobby’s office. Uh, I know it’s yours now, but –”
“I get it,” Chim states. “It’s going to be a while before it really feels like mine. Time for coffee, then?”
Buck nods and Chim pours them both a cup.
“How was your trip? Did you get what you needed?”
Buck nods, again. “Yeah, actually. Did, uh, Maddie tell you where I was going?”
Chim nods. “Not at first, but I told her that Hen and I were worried – after your announcement to leave the 118, even with my great speech convincing you otherwise – we thought you might’ve done a runner or something.”
“I’m not the Buckley that runs,” Buck interjects. “And I would always say goodbye, I’ve had way too many people just up and leave me to not want to be the cause of someone left wondering.”
Chim grimaces, probably remembering that both he and Maddie are on that list of people that left him wondering at one point.
“Right,” Chim says. “But she told us, anyway. Didn’t want us to worry. We, uh, we both realized that we’ve let the ball drop with you – I have Maddie, she has Karen, Athena has the kids, and you – you didn’t really have the support you needed. It makes sense that maybe seeing Bobby’s grave would help.”
Buck nods. “It did. The long drive, seeing his firehouse, despite what happened, he was remembered pretty fondly there as well, and then… going by the cemetery was hard. I knew it would be. I was so focused on Bobby’s last words telling me that everyone was going to need me, and I had to help them through this that I never really let myself grieve. It just wasn’t real to me. Seeing his grave made it real.”
Chim frowns. “You never said that Bobby told you to take care of us.”
Buck shrugs. “Thought it was obvious, honestly. I think he was giving me a task thinking it would help me, but I told him he was wrong – at the grave, I mean.”
Chim shakes his head and chuckles. “Too bad he’s not here to yell at you for that.”
“He wouldn’t, if he’s really up there watching over us – and let me tell you, I’ve never been religious, but I really want to believe that – he’d understand. I’ve been trying to fulfill what he asked of me, and he knows that.”
“I’m sure he does.”
“And he also knows… I can’t be at the 118 right now,” Buck states, pulling out his transfer papers. “I know that you made a great speech, Chim, and it definitely made me feel guilty enough to stay –”
“But you’re not staying so obviously, it didn’t – it wasn’t enough.”
Buck shakes his head. “I remembered what Bobby told me when Eddie first left and I realized that he wouldn’t want me to go through what I went through with Abby and then, Eddie yet again because of him. I’m not the Buck that thinks the 118 is the end-all be-all, anymore. The 118 is my family, always will be, but I don’t have to see you on shift to be family.”
At first, Chim looks like he wants to argue, but then, he takes a deep breath, and he nods. “Bobby might not be the only one to have realized that you might be haunted at the House. Maddie mentioned that maybe you need more space than just going away and coming back and pretending like Bobby’s spirit is hanging around a bit.”
“Maddie’s pretty clever.”
“Yeah, she is,” Chim says, smiling fondly. “Is, uh, is this forever?”
Buck shrugs. “I don’t know. There’s a four seasons of grief theory – going through a full year of life without a loved one is what they say it takes, but Bobby was the father I wish I had and it’s going to be difficult to move past that. Maybe it’s a year or five years, maybe you and Hen have retired, and I return as Captain, who knows? All I do know is that … this what I need right now.”
Chim smiles and nods. “If this is what you need – then, I am happy to give it to you.”
“Good. Thanks, Chim.”
“Always here to help my Buckaroo. Bobby would want that, Maddie would want that, and I want that. I’m glad you came to me.”
“Me too.”
***
It does take more than a year. Seven years, eight months and nine days passed that conversation, Chim announces to the 118 that Buck’s coming back – as Captain. That Bobby’s true legacy has returned.
Hen had refused the spot, Chim wanted to spend more time with his kids and opted to move to the academy, and Buck had been training to be Captain until the tutelage of Captain Mehta, so it all made sense for Chim’s choice to be Buck.
He wished that he had been Bobby’s protégé as he trained, but it was a great experience with a great captain, and he knows Bobby would be proud regardless.
