they stood still, looking sad
“And [Jesus] said to them, “What is this conversation that you are holding with each other as you walk?” And they stood still, looking sad. Then one of them, named Cleopas, answered him, “Are you the only visitor to Jerusalem who does not know the things that have happened there in these days?” And he said to them, “What things?” - Luke 24:17-19
Jesus models for us here another important element of transforming community— the ability to simply listen and be with what is without having to fix, give advice or problem solve.
Have you ever been in a situation where what you were going through was so awful or so wonderful you couldn’t find words to describe it? Were you blessed to be around people who knew how to “stand still, looking sad” with you, or did you have to endure inane comments that missed the point or advice that added insult to injury? If you’re the listener in a moment like this, one of the greatest temptations is to rush in and fill up the emptiness with words— of advice (“What really helped me when I lost my job was . . .”), well-meaning attempts at comfort (“I know exactly how you feel”), or filler (“I’m sure God has a plan”). Such words are intended mostly to relieve the awkwardness we ourselves are feeling; they are rarely what the person who is in the throes of pain or upheaval really needs. - Life Together in Christ by Ruth Haley Barton
How often do I rush into “fix-it” mode when someone shares deep personal pain with me instead of pausing to consider what they need most in the moment?
This chapter in Life Together in Christ has been convicting me so much about how often I try to offer advice or my own personal experience to people when they share things with me in an effort to be helpful. But this chapter just reminded me that in the midst of my own pain and struggles the people I appreciated most were the ones I could pour out my heart to and they would just sit there with me and not try to fix anything or offer advice but just be with me in some of the hardest moments of my life. The people who offered advice were well-meaning but that wasn’t what I needed when my world felt like it was falling apart. I just needed to know that someone was there with me when all I could do was stand there looking sad - not even sure how to explain to them the emotions that were going on in my heart.
Ruth in the book says that Jesus obviously had His own side of the story to share with them - it was His death and resurrection that they were discussing! But instead of interjecting His thoughts He asks them, not once but twice, to explain and says “What things?” As if He didn’t already know what things! Ha! He knew that they needed to share their grief, their pain, their hopes, their dreams, their broken world first before He ever spoke to them about what He knew of the story.
Pain and suffering is such an uncomfortable thing and we really just aren’t good at dealing with it and we’re definitely not good at standing in it. When it’s our own pain we try to rush through it and when it’s someone else’s pain we do everything we can to relieve the awkwardness of it for ourselves. But when we try to offer advice or fix it, we really are focusing more on ourselves in that moment instead of the other person. Instead of asking “I” questions, maybe we should start asking “them” questions that take the focus off of ourselves and onto the other person and listen to them instead of fix it.
It involves being present to the person we are listening to, yes, but even more importantly being present to God on the other’s behalf. We are listening for what God’s desire or guidance for that person might be, not what our best advice might be or how we can be most helpful. Furthermore, we are willing to be made aware of what is going on within ourselves so that our own inner urges (to fix, problem solve, alleviate discomfort) don’t get in the way of what God wants to do in the moment.
I definitely am not very good at this but I am praying that the Spirit will help me to stand with people in their pain and not always offer advice first or try to fix everything. There will come a time for that, but not before we have first stood with people in their pain.
3.4.16