#wiz.hcs

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carcar fic where they argue because carlos goes “would you eat me if i was a burger” and oscar goes “??? no ???” and carlos gets really mad

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spy au except lando is the snazzy james bond/kingsman character and oscar is his much-harangued Q

there's definitely a scene where lando's trying to get oscar out of a raid on base and he's slightly panicking. until oscar picks up a nearby pistol and fires it at the sprinklers without hesitating, allowing the duo to escape.

lando: you can do that?

oscar: you think i just sit in a lab and what, look pretty?

lando: well. yeah.

edited to add: this

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where’s the carcar fic where carlos begrudgingly takes oscar cycling in monaco cus they made a bet about it half drunk at the end of year FIA gala, except oscar actually held him to it (and carlos didn’t even think oscar had his number like, where did he even get that…)

except oscar shows up for cycling in full lycra which is like, very tight in a lot of places and carlos is normally very decorous and civilised, but the things in his brain are no good very bad right now so he spends the entire first ten minutes just. looking everywhere but at oscar’s eyes, and oscar snaps at him like “what. why are we doing this cycling thing if you hate this already. i’m just gonna go mate” and carlos is like. “wait.”

and then it’s very awkward because carlos’s hand is hovering near oscar’s shoulder and oscar looks down at his own shoulder where carlos’s hand is. not touching him. but. this guy. why is he always like a damn shadow that won’t quit.

and then oscar looks up at carlos finally. and carlos is like “ah. you must remember… to stay hydrated.” and oscar is like “there’s a 1.5L bottle here. what.”

and carlos makes a “pshhh” sound and oscar rolls his eyes and they give up talking and just get ready in silence. and pretend they’re not going to race each other up the hill the second they clip in to the pedals.

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re: your post about oscar following the academic track: as someone who went to oxford uni, i can absolutely tell you that oscar's swagless dancing and nerd tendencies would fit RIGHT in with the engineering course (+ other sciences) here. he'd have been a fucking HIT.

now how do i make this carcar. old money sports art history guy vs new money nonchalant engineer. they fight over the same spot at the library until there's some end of year party and they have a torrid makeout behind a statue of some geezer

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the ea is oscar btw <- and oscar “DESPISES” him

carlos walks in after a lunch one day with lipstick on his cheek and oscar shoves a packet of wet wipes at him.

oscar: "had fun?"

carlos: "what?"

oscar: *long sigh* *swipes phone open on selfie mode to show him*

carlos: "oh. that. i had lunch with my mum. she says hi btw"

oscar: "noted. you still haven't authorised the trades for the Rodrigues account."

carlos: "is this a statement or a question?"

oscar: "it's an accusation, because i already fixed it for you."

carlos: "have i ever told you that i love you--"

oscar: "never speak to me again."

carlos: "i will bring you timtams and spanish chocolate."

oscar: "...."

oscar: "...."

oscar: "what flavour."

(stupidness from this post these tags: #cs55 #in another life he is a private banker #and his EA rolls their eyes everytime he comes in to share his receipts for the expenses report #but carlos gets away with it because he always remembers everyone's birthdays and gets snacks for the EA pool and their assorted pets #the EA is oscar btw)

edited to add: this now has a small part 2 for those interested

edited again to add: this is now a full fic!!

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AU where lando's on a roadtrip and his car breaks down in rural australia. he plays dumb and pretends to not know anything at all about cars just to have an excuse to keep talking to quiet mechanic oscar

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how each driver would respond to “would you love me if i was a worm” 🪱

(and you actually get turned into a worm)

charles leclerc: gets the whole ferrari team to take turns looking after the worm. there’s a care roster and a motivational talk and everything. you become not charles’s worm but the ferrari worm. he posts a really cool social media story about “my journey looking after the worm.” you are loved, if a bit haphazardly.

max verstappen: “do i have time to keep a worm? probably not. but i will get someone to get you a decent box i guess. sorry if my cats eat you.”

oscar piastri: “no. you’re a worm.”

lando norris: professes his love and says “of course i would, babe”. only to be away so much on holiday or busy on track that you eventually perish in your enclosure

lewis hamilton: yes and will get you the most beautiful box with all sorts of fronds and ferns. he will build you the cutest little jungle gym of mind-enriching worm activities. you will see him about once a year but he will make sure you’re always fed and happy. he will help raise awareness of worms in their ecosystems all over the planet

carlos sainz: actually is very good at keeping the worm/you alive but is thrown for a loop because charles and lewis are all doing exceptionally with their worms. he flushes you down the toilet in a moment of emotional distress

alex albon: doesn’t tell anybody about the worm but will eventually have the longest living worm although everyone will forget this fact.

george russell: holds a drivers meeting about whether it is ethical to keep worms and should they in fact be considered emotional support animals. the vote is split and the outcome is undecided

fernando alonso: makes a tiktok with you “day in a life with my worm”. then leaves you on the side of the road and you roast to death under the sun

lance stroll: begrudgingly looks after you for about a week after which he pawns you off to his sister who is now stuck with his random worm

kevin magnussen: gives the worm to his daughter who uses it for a school project. it’s very cute

nico hulkenburg: people forgot about him so he didn’t even get a worm. he’s not that sad about it.

zhou guanyu: would seem totally neutral about it but end up incorporating a worm design into his track fits and his helmets. his worm helmet goes super viral on weibo.

valtteri bottas: will use you for fishing bait and might be a bit sorry about it.

pierre gasly and esteban ocon: constantly fighting over the same worm. nobody knows that the other has the exact same one. it ends with the alpine TP stepping in and confiscating the worm. the worm somehow gets acquired by mclaren.

yuki tsunoda: he keeps you in a box that is structurally very questionable but yuki somehow finds time on the road to get you the highest quality worm feed and vegetables. you thrive under his gourmand care although he shakes the box way too hard sometimes

daniel ricciardo: changes you immediately for a caterpillar and hopes nobody notices. the caterpillar takes ages to turn into a butterfly and then people are asking bro i thought you got a worm. he gets a caterpillar tattoo.

sergio perez: couldn’t care less. thought you were roadkill stuck on his windshield and squishes you with the windscreen wiper by accident

logan sargeant: WHAT DA FUK IS A WORMMMMM? your worm life ends prematurely when logan accidentally drops your box on the floor. james vowles gets him a new worm and it remains to be seen whether the second worm is better (hopefully it is).

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y'all haven't even heard my unhinged ideas yet. future fic where oscar goes to ferrari. in this essay i will--