#wnylander

[villekoivunen]

[thevezinamonologues-blog]

Silhouettes: Returned

Prompt: William Nylander, Sequel to “Silhouettes” For: anons Warnings & Tags: sad beginning, creepy creeper being creepy, happy ending Word Count: 2328

It had been three months since The Incident, when Kappy mistakenly assumed you and William were dating. Willy was your best friend, you had great benefits with that friendship, yeah, but it was different now. Now you didn’t know what you wanted, what he wanted, and all the things you’d loved about being with him, the low pressure relaxation with someone you could talk to anything with, it was gone. You were a full-time student. He was a full-time hockey player. The both of you were too busy for pressure.

So you eased off.

You kind of hated yourself for the way you went about it.

You didn’t ghost him exactly, but it was definitely ghost-adjacent.

You figured you could blame it on essays due, then exams, then his playoffs, but those were all done a month ago and still, your answers were so infrequent that he seemed to have stopped trying.

You told yourself it was better that way, that this was best for both of you, but some nights, when you were feeling particularly vulnerable and honest with yourself, you could admit how much you regretted it. There was a big, blond, floppy-haired hockey player-sized hole in your chest.

You missed him.

Maybe it was too late, now. It probably was.

The universe, it seemed, had other ideas.

---

You were only taking one summer class and, as busy as it kept you, you still had a modicum of free time. The weather had been beautiful lately, and you kept seeing your friends send snaps of this beautiful bar with outdoor seating and great-looking tacos. It was a late afternoon on a Thursday. They shouldn’t be too busy, you figured. So you put on a flowy, comfortable yellow sundress, a floppy hat and sunglasses, and decided to treat yourself in this warm weather.

You were glad to see your prediction was true. The restaurant wasn’t too busy, with quite a few of their outdoor tables still available. You were seated quickly, ordered a margarita on the rocks, and just basked in the beautiful day.

Your basking lasted all of fifteen minutes before there was a large shadow blocking your view. You blinked up at some smarmy-looking dude, smirking down at you. You used your menu to cover your cleavage and scowled up at him.

“Can I help you?”

“Sorry to bother you,” the guy said looking absolutely not sorry at all. “Seems I’m looking for a place to sit here. It’s filling up fast. You mind if I keep you company?”

You looked around at the obviously empty tables around you, maybe only a third of them occupied, then blinked back up at him.

“I do mind, actually,” you said calmly, though you internally started to panic. What if he didn’t take no for an answer. “I’m waiting on someone.”

You pulled out your phone, trying to text your friend Winslow. She lived nearby. You sent your location to her, followed by an ‘SOS creepy dude. Rescue me and I buy dinner’.

The guy scowled down at you, obviously wanting to say more, but the waitress came over, clearly sensing an issue and put herself between you and the creep. You gave her a relieved smile.

“Hey,” you said to her, before the guy could speak up. “This guy was looking for a table. And can I get an extra menu for when my friend gets here?”

The waitress nodded, winking before she grabbed another menu for you, then she turned to the guy. “Come on, sir. We just cleared a booth inside for you,”

Your shoulders relaxed as the waitress led him away. Twenty minutes later, you spotted him at the bar, trying to make eye contact with you as the waitress brought a refill on your drink. You opened your phone to see if Winslow texted you back and your heart fell into your stomach at your notifications.

You clicked through, hoping it was a mistake.

You had accidentally texted William instead.

And his response came not even a minute after you sent your message. “On my way.”

He didn’t really live close by, and you started to text him back, telling him that he really didn’t need to, when you spotted him, rushing over to you, breathing heavy like he’d been running.

“Are you ok?” he asked immediately, eyes wide and concerned and you sighed, pushing out the seat across from you for him.

The waitress stuck her head outside and tilted her head at you, obviously concerned again, but you gave her a reassuring smile. Willy wouldn’t be a creep. And you were the idiot for texting the wrong person.

“You didn’t have to come. I meant to- I meant to text Wins. She lives like a block away.”

Willy’s face fell. “Shit. I can-”

You shook your head, remembering the guy at the bar, and then, with a little more sadness, the way you’d been treating Willy the last few months.

“No,” you sighed. “Stay.”

---

Five minutes later, Willy had a matching margarita and the awkward silence had grown so deep that you were shifting in your seat at the discomfort of it all.

He hadn’t looked at you since he arrived.

You felt horrible.

You blinked, taking a deep breath. You knew you owed him an apology at least. And probably an explanation. And then you both could move on or whatever you both wanted to do.

“I’m sorry,” you finally said, pushing your margarita away a little. The waitress arrived with your food and he ordered his, and you let that ‘sorry’ hang between you in the meanwhile.

As soon as the waitress walked away, Willy looked at you. Properly looked. And you could read the sadness there so well it was like you hadn’t spent months avoiding him. You still knew him.

You still missed him.

“For what?” he croaked, not bothering to hide the bitter bite to his words.

You winced. You deserved that. “I’m sorry for ignoring you.”

“Ghosting me,” he corrected.

You nodded, allowing him that. “It’s not an excuse,” you said quietly. “But I was scared.”

William put his drink down, blinking at you in shock. Like that wasn’t what he expected you to say. “Scared?”

You nodded, a lump in your throat.

“Why?” he continued. “What did I do? Like… fuck. I don’t want to bother you or be creepy or unwanted or whatever, but I just want to know what I did, y/n.”

Sighing, you fiddled with your sunglasses, trying to find something to do with your hands. “I just… That day. With the smoothies.”

He nodded, thick arms crossed over his chest. He leaned back in his chair, taking you in with an obviously forced calm.

“Kappy thought we were like… together,” you said quietly.

Willy sighed. “And rather than talk it through with me, you decided to run?”

You put the sunglasses down, rubbing your temples as you nodded. “Yeah,” you admitted softly. “I freaked out. I- I liked what we had. You’re busy and I’m busy and what we had was good and it wasn’t stressful and there wasn’t any pressure and I was happy and then all of a sudden there was all this pressure.”

“And you weren’t happy,” William filled in, voice still hard.

“I was scared, William,” you shot back. “I was scared because there was suddenly too much pressure and expectations and it stopped feeling like just me and my best friend. There was all this subtext and just-”

“Pressure,” he finished.

You nodded sadly, swallowing around the lump in your throat.

“So you figured, you could just burn it all down, then, right? Just… screw it up ahead of time before it had a chance to get screwed up?”

“Listen,” you said, a little tired of being made to feel small. You already were angry at yourself for this. You already were sad about this. Him making it worse when you just needed to explain didn’t help. “I’m trying to explain. If you want to berate me afterwards, and make me feel shittier than I already do, go ahead, but let me finish first for fuck’s sake.”

Willy nodded. “Yeah. Sorry,” he said quietly, but the corner of his mouth twitched. Like he was going to smile.

“Is something funny?” You scowled at him, grabbing for your margarita.

He shook his head, running his fingers through his hair, then sighing. His smile was soft, fond. And it ate at your heart. “It’s just… that was you again. That was- I missed that.”

“Me yelling at you?” you raised an eyebrow.

Willy shrugged. “You just… getting all worked up about something. You’re always passionate about something and I just- I missed that…”

Your shoulders slumped. “I missed you.”

Your quiet admission seemed to stop him for a second, then he reached out and put his hand over yours. You were glad he didn’t question it, try and make you feel worse, like you didn’t miss him. Because you know you fucked up. And you know you missed him.

“Can we just-” you continued, flipping your hand over under his so you could link your fingers with his loosely. “Can we start over? Be like we were before?”

William looked at you, his eyes wide and earnest.

“No.”

You stilled, feeling your body tense up again, but he ran his thumb over the back of your hand once and you tried to relax into the familiar, and very much missed, feeling.

“No?” you repeated back, confused.

“No,” he said again. “I’m gonna… Ok, all cards on the table here, y/n. I wanted that. What Kappy thought? I wanted that. A lot. I still… uh… I still do.”

Your shoulders tensed and you could feel all those pressures start to sink you again, but he kept hold of your hand and squeezed, before continuing.

“I just… I know you said you don’t want the pressure, but why can’t we be in a relationship and still be us?” he asked simply. “Why can’t we do the same thing as before, just with a different name. We were good together, y/n. Like a team. You were happy and I was happy. Why would we change that? We just call it what it is. Because I don’t love you any less as friends than I do right now or if we were together. I still love you the same. I’m still the same me. If you weren’t the same you, I wouldn’t want this.”

You blinked a few seconds, and you could see exactly when the hope started to drain from his eyes.

“Please,” he said quietly “Did that make sense?”

Slowly, you nodded. You hadn’t thought of it like that before. You thought, dating, the title, meant that you’d have to put your school on a lower priority, that he’d be too busy with hockey. “We wouldn’t have to change?” you repeated. “Because I can’t- I have school and you have hockey and we’re both so busy and-”

“No change,” he assured you, squeezing your hand again. “Just you and me. I trust you. I hope you could trust me. I don’t need hours long conversations every night. I’m cool to just text you stupid memes and talk when we both have the time, around my hockey and your school.”

“And you wouldn’t… like… I don’t know… resent that, or whatever?” You were putting your insecurities right out there for him. You owed him that much. And what he was saying… if he meant it… well it didn’t sound like the worst idea.

His face went all soft and he gave you that smile that made his eyes go all crinkly in the corners and you felt a warmth settle through you. “The only thing I’d resent,” he said quietly. “Is if you felt like I forced you to put your life on hold. I knew your priorities going into this. I knew your schedule and all the shit going on in your life when I fell in love with you.”

Love. Wow. You were surprised at how easy that felt to hear. “I’m not-” you said quietly. “I don’t know if I’m ready to say that yet. But um… I want to. Eventually. And I… I’d like to try this.”

You did care for him. And you missed him. And you knew you’d be doing a fair bit of trying to make this up to him, but he was being a lot more understanding than you’d ever have expected from him. You weren’t sure you deserved that, but it meant a lot that he trusted you like this. That he wanted this despite what you’d done, how you’d treated him.

“I know I need to get better at um… at communicating. I might not be like… great at it… like immediately or whatever,” you continued. “But I’ll try. And I won’t shut you out again. But if I start to like… pull away, just… remind me?”

Willy was blinking at like you like you weren’t real and you were a little concerned, until he finally got up, stepping around to your side of the table and dropping into the chair next to you. He cradled your face in his hands and you leaned your forehead against his, just breathing in his air for a moment.

He still didn’t say anything.

“So… we’re uh… good? We’re doing this?” you asked, a nervous giggle escaping your lips.

“Yeah,” he croaked and you saw his grin, wide and bright. “We’re doing this.”

“Maybe this time tell Kappy to get some boundaries, maybe, though?” you teased, leaning forward just enough to brush your lips over his. It was electric and right and you realized how comfortable it was with him. You didn’t need to skew your ideas of what worked to be in a relationship with him. It worked just as it was.

“No promises,” he laughed against your lips.

[fanfics-for-the-hockey-fan]

Reunion - William Nylander

My flight landed back in Toronto earlier today and I did what I needed to do with the team before heading to the apartment I wanted to go to since I signed the contract. I stopped outside of the familiar apartment door, taking a deep breath before knocking on the door. I couldn’t get the smile off of my face as I thought of how this reunion would go. After a few minutes I knocked again because I knew she was here, I had parked right next to her car. I finally heard feet move closer to her door and open it, only to slam it in my face as I went to say hello.

“Blake? Can you open up?” There was no answer and I realized she had walked away from the door so I left, confused as to why she wouldn’t let me in. I texted the guys as I got in my car, deciding to meet them at Mitch’s place so we could catch up. As I drove there I was questioning in my mind why Blake wouldn’t open the door. At the end of last season we had started dating, she wasn’t able to come with me to Sweden since she had work. Blake was a college student at the University of Toronto but she worked at a tutoring center all year and picked up more hours during the summer. So when I was in town during the summer we went on more dates and we would always make time to video chat with each other. Once things got a little crazier with the contract negotiations I wasn’t able to talk to her as much but I didn’t think it was bad enough to have her ignore me once I got here.

Mitch was waiting for me at the front door when I got to his apartment, smiling at me. “We’ve missed you man.”

“It’s good to be home.” Heading inside I saw most of my teammates hanging out and we just chatted for a while before I asked about Blake. “What’s going on with Blake? I stopped by her place and she slammed the door in my face.” Mitch and Auston gave each other a look. “What? What’s going on?”

“She told us that she hasn’t heard from you in over a month.” Auston tells me as he sits back.

“That’s not true, I have been texting her all the time.” I pull out my phone to prove my point only to freeze when I saw that she had texted me, but I hadn’t responded in a long time. I checked my call history and that had been even longer since we actually talked on the phone. “Fuck. I didn’t realize I did this.” I ran my hands through my hair, frustrated at my stupid self. “How do I fix this? I should go back to her apartment and talk to her.”

“She probably isn’t there.”

“What do you mean? She loves just hanging out at her apartment.” Blake is very much a stay at home kind of person, content to just curl up with a book or watch tv.

“She got a job at a club downtown.” That did not sound like Blake, she hated to go to our to places like that so her working at one didn’t sound right.

“We tried to get her to come to dinner with us a while ago but was working there. She didn’t tell us why but I feel like she is there every night working.”

“What’s the name of the club?” As soon as Mitch told me the name of the place I was leaving.

“Maybe you shouldn’t rush there, she is working if she is there.” Auston stopped me at the door, hands on both of my shoulders.

“I have to do something.”

“Don’t do anything stupid.”

“I won’t, but I need to talk to her and get her to forgive me. I don’t want to lose her.” Auston nods, before patting my back.

“Go get her.” Leaving the apartment I rushed back to my apartment, just to change so I wouldn’t stick out so much at the club. Luckily I was able to skip the line at club and moved inside, starting my search for Blake. I finally found her behind the bar in a slightly quieter part of club. I found a seat at the bar and waited for her to come down to me.

“What can I get-” She paused

“Hi Blake.”

“What can I get for you?”

“Can we talk?”

“I'll grab you that beer, sir. I'll be back in a minute.” She walked away without acknowledging that she knew me, or that I asked to talk. I knew that in this would be tough but she was making it an all out challenge. When she came back with a beer, I smiled because it was one of my favorite types. As she went to pick up the money I laid my hand on top of hers. Her eyes finally locked with mine and I gave her a goofy smile, she always had this effect on me.

“Can we please talk?”

“I'm working until close, that is 2 and I have a tutoring client at 8 in the morning.”

“Please… don’t you have a break or something?” Blake seemed to stiffen at something I turned to see what it was. A tall man with jet black hair was walking towards us and he didn’t look happy.

“Blake, get back to work. You can flirt when you aren’t working.”

“I was just asking her a question.”

“She is here to serve drinks and look good, not answer questions. You have your beer, now you can just look at her.”

“Really?” I stood up and turned to confront the guy. “Are you an ass to all of your employees? Or is just special to Blake?”

“William, please just stop. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

“So you know this guy? You expect me to pay you while you are busy chatting with a friend? Blake, you’re fired.”

“Hunter, please. I need this job.” I felt horrible, she was losing her job because of me.

“Go clock out and leave your name tag. You’ll be mailed your last paycheck.”

“Come on man, this is my fault. I’ll just leave.”

“She wasn’t hot enough to work here for long anyway, might as well look for a replacement now before we get busy for the holidays.” He walked away before I could punch him. Turning back to look at Blake, she didn’t look mad as she talked to someone else behind the bar. As she approached me I was expecting to be yelled at or slapped but instead she just nodded for me to follow her. Once we stepped out onto the quiet street I saw her shiver since she was just in jeans and a tight fitting black tee shirt so I pulled off my jacket and draped it over her shoulders.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean for any of that to happen. I just wanted to talk about how much of an idiot I am.”

“Let’s go back to my apartment and we can talk.” I nodded and got us an Uber, since she was so cold I didn’t want to make her walk the several blocks to her apartment. We waited in silence until we stepped into her apartment.

“I really am sorry, I didn’t mean to get you fired.”

“I hated that job.”

“Why did you even have it? You hate nightclubs and you hate going out at night.”

“My brother is an idiot and his friends are idiots. They all go drunk and my brother decided to drive them home. He was so drunk that he crashed into a restaurant. He was arrested for drunk driving but the restaurant owner said they wouldn’t press charges for property damage if he paid to have it repaired.” Her brother was a couple of years younger than us and didn’t have a lot of ambition to do anything. I shook my head because I knew where this was going.

“You didn’t...”

“I used everything in my savings to pay for the damages, my job at the tutoring center pays enough for my rent and some food to get by on. Everything in my savings was just enough to cover all the damage so I’m not going to school next semester, that way I can build back up my savings and hopefully by next fall semester I have enough saved up from having a couple of job to not need a loan.”

“That isn’t fair Blake, you deserve to finish school on time.”

“It will be fine, I need to tell my advisor on Monday but I think she will understand. But enough about me, you were the one that wanted to talk. What happened William? Did you decide that you didn’t want to date anymore? I can take that but I went for a month with you just ignoring me and that hurt so much.”

“I honestly didn’t even realize what I was doing, I just had people pulling me in a million different directions. So many people wanted something from me; my agent, my parents, teammates, the team, and reporters. They all wanted me for something or to know what was going on, it was too much.”

“I didn’t want any of that from you. I wanted to talk to you about your day and wanted you to tell me that everything is going to be okay. I didn’t want anything from the hockey player William Nylander, I wanted William my boyfriend. The guy who did silly dance moves to make me laugh after I had a terrible day and who showed up at my apartment at midnight with a waffle ice cream cone because I mention I had been wanting one. I honestly don’t care about your contract or any of that stuff, I just wanted you back here.”

“I’m sorry, I really screwed up a lot. Can you ever forgive me?”

“Yeah, just use your brain from now on. Okay?”

“I can do that, but I need you to do something for me.” Blake gave me a questioning look but let me continue to speak. “Let me pay for your last semester of college.”

“I can’t let you do that.”

“Think of it as a no interest loan, you can pay me back once you have a teaching job. Please, let me do this for you. You have been talking about how excited you are for the last semester student teaching assignment since I met you last year. I can’t let you give that up because your brother is an idiot.”

“Are you sure?”

“Absolutely, this is important to you so it is important to me.”

“Okay, but I am going to pay you every penny back.” I nod before leaning in to kiss her cheek, only for her to turn at the last minute. Kissing her I was glad to have worked everything out; with my contract and with her. Toronto was my home, so was Blake.

Request are open!

[allie-mcginn]

Turned on the Maple Leafs game and the announcer said “Ne-lander” when talking about Willy. And now everything I know is a lie. I swear I thought it was “Ny-lander” this entire time? Wtf. I need to lie down.

[lightynight]

william loves this baby

[erikjohnsons]

👀 frightening tbqh

[thevezinamonologues-blog]

a scent for the man, the myth, the receding hairline willy nylander many pleases and many thank yous i love you

absinthe, peppermint whipped cream, lingonberry pine

[thevezinamonologues-blog]

Silhouettes

Prompt: William Nylander, Random Song (From the Dancy Party/House Cleaning Playlist) For: anon Warnings & Tags: discussion of sex, but nothing explicit, angsty ending Word Count: 1917

Based on “Silhouettes” by Colony House

You met him at a coffee shop. You’d been working on a paper, more than a little exhausted in the middle of a very busy week of assignments for your courses. You put your laptop aside to stretch and get another coffee and when you got back, someone was sitting at your table across from your seat. You normally wouldn’t have minded, the coffee shop was kind of full. But you were already on edge and this guy looked social. You weren’t in the mood to socialize. At all.

“Sorry,” he said and you properly gave him a glance-over. He was blond, fit, exactly your type if you were looking. But you weren’t. You had grades to worry about and papers to write. You had a second midterm coming up for your ancient law and religion class (who the hell does two midterms, anyway?). And to top it all off, your roommate had seemingly all-day sexiled you to this coffee shop when all you wanted to do was study on your bed in peace. You sat down, slumping into your chair before he continued. “I didn’t want to mess up your groove, it’s just everywhere else is full. I hope you don’t mind?”

“S’fine,” you grumbled, giving him a half shrug and focusing back on your computer screen.

You had hoped that he’d leave you to your work in peace, but he didn’t. It started off with a few questions about your books on the table, then a few more specific (and surprisingly insightful) questions about your assignments in particular. An hour later, both of your coffees were cold and you were, albeit reluctantly, enjoying his company. After a while, though, you really did need to get back to your work and he left.

It was only later, after you got home, that you found the note he’d slipped into your mythology textbook with his phone number and a name. William.

You figured you’d call him after your midterm. What’s the worst that could happen?

Right?

Over the next few months, you and Will became good friends with even better benefits. The two of you texted daily, hanging out whenever he was in Toronto with his team and you didn’t have too much schoolwork to do. It was pretty seamless and stress-free, the way you two could go from talking about his stress from going a few games without a goal or your frustrations with finding good sources for an upcoming paper to him expertly eating you out on the couch of your small apartment. You found out he liked olives on his pizza, stupid puns, and his hair being pulled while he fucked you deep. He found out your favourite ice cream was mint chocolate, you tended to stress-eat when you went a few days without sleeping well, and your favourite position was cowgirl with him sitting up to kiss you.

All in all, Will Nylander had become your best friend. You’d become his confidant. And the two of you just also happened to enjoy fucking each other when you needed to scratch that itch.

It was the perfect arrangement for the two of you.

Right?

It all got screwed up, however, when Kasperi Kapanen had to go and open his big fucking mouth.

You hadn’t really spent a lot of time around Will’s teammates. You were often busy with school, he was often busy with hockey, and when the two of you had free time that matched up, it was usually spent one on one. The two of you liked to catch up, talk about things you couldn’t really say in your daily texts, and then seamlessly work your way into one of your beds.

It was a good system. It worked for the two of you.

It was early Saturday morning and you were sleeping in Will’s bed, curled up next to him, not really touching save for the hand he had on your bare back and your ankle that you’d linked with his. You were torn from your blissful post-orgasmic sleep as Willy’s front door opened, then slammed shut and an unfamiliar voice called out.

“Up!! I want smoothies and video games!”

You stirred and groaned, stretching and seeking out the warm calming heat of the man next to you tiredly. “What. The fuck,” you grumbled as you pushed your head against his shoulder until his arm got the hint and tightened around you.

Willy seemed to be shaking himself from sleep, tilting his head and looking a little confused for a moment, then frowned a bit. “M’sorry,” he mumbled, his voice thick from sleep. “Forgot Kappy had a spare key.”

The Kappy in question, whom you’d only heard about in texts from Will when he talked about his friends on the team, decided to walk right into Willy’s room. Without knocking. Thankfully your front was curled against Will and the blanket was at your waist so he didn’t get much of an eyeful.

“Oh, hello!” he said, and you turned enough to glare at him. It didn’t seem to phase him, he still grinned brightly at the two of you. “You must be Y/N! Nice to finally meet you. Let’s go get smoothies, now!”

You were slowly tensing up at the fact that he was just standing there and Willy finally caught on, smoothing a hand down your back. “Kappy,” he barked.

Kasperi didn’t seem phased in the slightest. “I’ll be in the living room!” he called, shutting the door lightly behind him.

“Sorry,” Will finally said, squeezing you a bit before separating from you and starting to get up. “He’ll just keep at it until we get smoothies.”

“We?” You hadn’t met really met any of his teammates before. Maybe Kappy wanted to just hang out with Will.

Will shrugged as he slid into a clean pair of boxer-briefs. “I mean we’re both still free most of today until your guest lecture event thing, right? I’d still… I mean if you want to hang out until then, Kappy or no Kappy, I’d like to…. Y’know… do that.”

You grinned. You spoke his particular language of subtext all too well and knew that was Will’s way of saying he missed you. You stretched, kicked the blankets off and headed for the en-suite. Will might be okay just throwing on some clean clothes, but he’d also probably taken a shower last night after giving you no less than three mindblowing orgasms. “Just gimme a sec to shower,” you called over your shoulder.

You scrubbed down quick, borrowing Will’s shampoo and conditioner that was, frankly, better and more expensive than your own, and wrapped yourself in a towel before padding out into Will’s bedroom. He’d already gone into the rest of his apartment, probably to talk to his friend, but he’d made the bed and set out the clean clothes you’d brought with you when you came over, neatly folded at the foot of the bed. Upon closer inspection, you noticed that he’d replaced the blouse you brought with one of his tee shirts and you rolled your eyes.

Nerd.

You totally wore the tee shirt, anyway.

You headed out to find Will and Kasperi sitting at the breakfast bar, looking ready to head out. You slipped on your shoes and parked your chin on Will’s shoulder while he sat until he declared it time to go. The three of you made it as far as the lobby when Will patted his own ass with enthusiastic gusto and spun around. “Shit. I forgot my wallet. Give me a sec, I’ll run up and grab it,” he called over his shoulder as he headed back to the elevators.

Kasperi turned to you after a few moments and nudged you lightly. “You’re good for him,” he said, breaking the silence.

You turned to him, eyebrows furrowed. You were a little confused.

“I mean…. Dating you is just… it’s good for him,” he continued, oblivious to the mix of confusion and something else sinking in your gut. “He’s happy with you. Talks about you all the time and just… I’ve never seen him this happy with a girlfriend before.”

Girlfriend.

Yeah, no. That’s not what you were.

“We’re not- I mean- We’re just-” you stammered through the words, but were interrupted by Will coming back, proudly brandishing his wallet. He was busy half-wrestling Kasperi for his responding chirp as the three of you left the lobby that he missed your half-panicked blinking.

It only got worse from there.

Suddenly his hand on the small of your back as you walked felt too heavy. Your lungs felt a little drained of air when he stepped in front of you to pay for your smoothie before you got the chance. The casual way he guided your feet into his lap while the three of you played Mario Kart back at his apartment felt like overstepping a boundary even though it was something you’d done all the time before. It all felt like more now.

You were barely holding back the panic when you were there, so when you left early to ‘get ready’ for the guest lecture you had to attend that night, you broke down the moment you were back in your apartment. Loud, ugly sobs for a friendship you hadn’t even lost (yet).

You never made it to the lecture.

You curled up in bed and lost yourself in a panicked descent of thoughts, trying to replay in your mind what Kasperi said to you. Did Will think you were dating? Surely not. Did he want to? You had no idea.

Personally, the idea never occurred to you, and that might have been the worst of your revelations. That you hadn’t even considered the possibility.

But that was fine, right? You liked the arrangement you two had. You liked having a best friend you could talk to about anything. You liked having someone to have relaxed, no-pressure sex with when the two of you were free. But it didn’t come with the extra pressure. You didn’t have to feel bad about not texting him when you went on a three-day study binge. He understood. And he didn’t have to worry about answering to you when he went out and got trashed with the boys after a win.

But lately, those study binges of yours seemed to end with him ordering you delivery to make sure you ate. And you always texted him a congratulations after those wins and were rewarded with a very intoxicated, very excited phone call from his hotel room at 1am.

All of a sudden, in hindsight, it seemed like maybe there was an element of…. Feelings. Of dating.

It was a lot of pressure.

You really weren’t ready for that pressure.

You were both so busy.

You didn’t have time to deal with that pressure. Neither did he. Right?

Right?

You didn’t ghost him.

Not exactly.

But your texts to him were less frequent.

Rather than the warm, relaxed way your body used to respond to his invitations to come over and hang out, it just made your chest feel tight and uncomfortable and so you found some excuse. Any excuse.

You didn’t know what you want. It was like you were in a happy, comfortable dim room and someone threw the lights on and suddenly everything around you was terrifying.

You didn’t like that. You weren’t sure you wanted that. You weren’t sure Will wanted that.

Will deserved better than that.

So it was better this way.

Right?