have you ever felt abandoned?
no.
why?
because i’ve never felt cherished to begin with.
why have you never looked me in the eyes?
people say that i’m easy to read. i don’t like it. eyes really can tell you everything.
but that would be helpful here, don’t you think?
no fun.
excuse me?
i mean, that would take away all of the fun. and why else would i be here, if not to have some fun?
your reports are less frequent recently. could you explain why?
the space around me distracts me. i can no longer tell what do i feel. thus no need to report. you would just read a bunch of lies.
say, are you keeping track of the men you slept with, like i asked you to?
no, i forgot the number after one hundred.
when was that?
about two months ago.
and yet you still refuse to go see the doctor?
yeah. you should know at this point that my answer won’t change. seriously…
i’m fine.
once she left the clinic, jen turned straight to the corner and picked up the pace. her head was hurting here for a while now, but as always, after these monthly visits, it hurted even more. walking next to the unused roads, a local cinema and a small, stationary shop made her forget about the pain quickly, as she plugged her huge earphones in a mp3 and let herself hum a recent song.
what do you like to listen to nowadays?
anything loud will do. when we do it i hate to hear his pants, so i always turn the volume up. bastards can be so annoying.. but when he’s rough i can’t concentrate on the lyrics, so i just choose some instrumentals.
oh. i understand. but when you’re alone, what music do you like?
…
…
pink floyd. ‘wish you were here’.
the air suddenly changed. jen didn’t know where she ended up walking. her mind refused to cooperate. her body stood still. the sky changed its color drastically, so she calculated that at least three hours must have passed. some of the pain in her lower back had started to show again, thus she somewhat crawled to the nearest bench. old wood bent under her weight and let out painful screech. sound never reached her ears, as they were blocked by the enormous white earphones sitting on top of her head. without realising it, she took them off, letting them rest on her shoulders. the lack of deafening sound made her groan.
immersed in pain and not-so-sudden hopelessness, she leaned her head back and looked at the clouds. or rather, at one, single cloud in the clear sky. the view somehow irritated her. she slowly looked down and her gaze met with an old-looking man, talking through his phone, that seemed to be in rush.
when was the last time you talked to someone? did anyone phone you?
i thought my social life is no longer important.
please, just answer.
i don’t know. two months? three? hell, maybe half a year! i don’t care.
well, i see that you still lose your temper when it comes to the talking with others.
whatever. i told you already, it ain’t big deal. i can manage without friends.
and do one-night-stands help you in that?
… no way i’m gonna explain myself again.
the arrogant sun went down. the roses and reds faded into the royal blue and as if shot, jen stood up at once and walked away. she had told herself that one day she would come back home early, but that wasn’t that day. scrolling down her nonexistent contact list, she finally picked ‘the guy number 22’ and sighed, as she run her fingers through her long, bleached hair, that just as her body, screamed to be saved.
jen kept on moving. her eyes seemed blank.at that hour all of her senses did. unexpectedly, she felt something weird and let out quiet laugh as a stray cat decided to brush against her ankles. these moves could hypnotize and its charming cries were painfully sweet. she would never consider it a stray, if not its black, dead eyes. jen’s throat tightened. her hands were about to pick it up, but her mind stopped working. hot tears streamed down the cheeks as the thought of her constantly bending forward made her want to vomit. her left hand went up to rest on her mouth. not knowing what to do, a confused cat could only run into the bushes and wait for someone else. instantly jen envied the cat.
after recovering, she slowly moved forward and when the clock stroke the midnight, she caught herself standing in front of the number 22’s door. and even if she wanted to deny it, the cat was the only warmness she felt that day.
