🌹🤍 Lifeline (Hajoon Series Bonus)
Part 1: Angel Part 2: Nauseous Part 3: Eclipse Part 4: Take Me Down Part 5: Sorry Part 6: Alive Part 7: Sour Part 8: Time
Summary: Who is your lifeline?
CW: low-self esteem, self-hate
I could, I could, I could be your
I could, I could, I could be your
Woosung was worried. Hell, they all were worried. Something was off with Hajoon and with each day he withdrew more and more into himself. Woosung wasn’t even sure when he had last seen his dongsaeng smile.
Their drummer was a shy person, often the one to look for others for guidance and not willing to speak with strangers if he could avoid it. But with them he had opened up over time, becoming the amazing, kind-hearted and funny person they all knew he truly was.
But ever since he had burned his hand, maybe even since that one concert, Hajoon totally locked himself away. Woosung, Dojoon and Jaehyeong had talked amongst themselves, trying to find a reason for what was destroying their true maknae, but they had never come to a conclusion. And there were the mysterious conversations Hajoon had had with all the members.
It had brought a lot of sleepless nights unto Woosung.
“Woosung-hyung?”, Jaehyeong called from the kitchen, his voice sounding weird. Woosung jumped up from where he had sat on the sofa, contemplating their group, and made his way to his dongsaeng.
Jaehyeong was sitting at the table with Dojoon peaking over his shoulder. Both of them were reading a letter, a frown on both their faces.
“What’s up?”, Woosung asked, immediately worried at their expressions of distressed confusion.
“We found this letter in the mail, it’s addressed to Hajoon-ah”, Dojoon said and held it out for Woosung to take.
“Why are you reading Hajoon-ah’s mail?”, Woosung asked. He didn’t know what to think – while yes, privacy wasn’t something they were used to and they all knew each others passwords after all, they had never opened each others mail. What were they thinking?
“It … it’s from a University”, Jaehyeong said, his voice trembling, “I thought it was just a mistake but it … just … just read it.” Woosung rounded the table to take the letter from his hand.
“Dear Lee Hajoon,
we are happy to congratulate you on a successful application to our University for a teaching degree. In order to proceed with this full-time study starting on October 1st, please adhere to the following steps…”
Woosung couldn’t read any further. He felt sick.
“Why didn’t he say?”, Jaehyeong asked in a small voice, “we knew something was up but …”
Dojoon, who had been uncharacteristically quiet until then, interrupted him: “Did he … did we …? He can’t do that, can he? Without ending his contract?” There was more pain in his voice than Woosung felt was fitting the until now uncertain situation. Maybe Dojoon knew something else. Before he could ask, the door opened behind them.
Hajoon was home from his walk.
You don’t gotta say all the bad things
Sipping on your brain like it’s codeine
At least they would get answers. This back and forth had been going on for long enough. Today they would get answers, whatever they were. It – whatever it was – was breaking them apart. As soon as Hajoon rounded the corner, Woosung couldn’t hold himself back anymore from asking the dreaded question: “Hajoon? The fuck is this?”
The younger man stopped dead in the doorway, still in the motion of taking off his jacket. There was a flurry of emotions dancing over his face until Hajoon wore an expression of hurt and anger. Woosung had not expected that – but then again Hajoon had been unpredictable for weeks now.
So Woosung just watched as he tore off his jacket to throw it to the floor and lunged across the table. In their positions Woosung was easily able to hold the letter out of his reach.
“Why are you going through my mail?”, Hajoon questioned, eyes wild and … scared? Was he scared of them? There was anger too. Hajoon never got angry, he probably was the most patient out of all of them.
“I’m sorry, it’s my fault”, Jaehyeong answered Hajoon’s question, taking all the blame. They would have to rectify that at some point. “I was confused why you got mail from an university. So, since Leo and I thought that didn’t match up and they probably put on a wrong address on the letter we wanted to see if we could find out the real owner.”
“It never crossed your mind that I might get mail?” Hajoon’s voice was dripping with disbelief.
Woosung didn’t fucking understand. Why was Hajoon so angry?
“No, we didn’t think you would get mail from an university. You didn’t say you considered studying again”, Dojoon tried to save everything.
It was probably time that Woosung spoke up, explain their confusion and get the much needed conversation started. But first they needed to understand what Hajoon was thinking. The idea of studying sounded so … rash, maybe. Not well thought-out. Random, even.
Why was Hajoon throwing his career, their careers into the wind? After all they had gone through together, Hajoon had never seemed unhappy until lately. Maybe he had realized that he wanted to go back to University, which was no problem. Idols did that all the time. But why hadn’t he talked to them about it? All major decision they had talked through in the past. It was so uncharacteristic of Hajoon to not come to them with his issues. There was something they were missing.
Woosung was stumped. He just wanted his dongsaeng, his Hajoon back. Not this angry, distant and miserable version of him.
“What confuses me even more why does it say you were accepted for a full-time study?”, Woosung decided to ask, trying to keep his voice soft and unassuming, “You don’t have time for that with our work. We’ll be outside of Seoul too often. Besides how do you think you will have time to study and do band-practice, song-writing and other stuff at the same time? Why didn’t you talk to us about options? You’re our drummer, we need you.”
Woosung was entirely unprepared for the next words coming out of Hajoon’s mouth.
“I really hope you find a different drummer soon. I quit. The documents from the lawyer should arrive within the week anyway”, Hajoon spat.
So pick any way you like
And take a second for the city lights
Woosung always had thought that the saying “the whole world turning upside down” was just a figure of speech. Now, he knew it wasn’t. Everything was spinning, his heart, his mind, his thoughts, his world. Hajoon was leaving. Their amazing and kind drummer, their baby wanted to leave. Woosung didn’t fucking understand.
He clutched at the table, feeling like his knees were about to give up under him. The letter was crushed in his other hand, his fingers balling into a fist in the tension felt in his whole body.
“What?”, Woosung gasped, feeling like his lungs weren’t cooperating. It felt like he was drowning on dry land.
“I quit. I’m done”, Hajoon said again, tears trailing down his cheeks.
Why was he crying when he was destroying their world?
“You’re joking, right? This is just a joke. Tell us that you are joking. This isn’t funny, Joon-ah”, Dojoon whispered, a prayer in his words. It was a defence mechanism, Woosung knew. He hoped as much as Dojoon that maybe they had missed something. Maybe it was April’s Fools. Maybe Hajoon decided to prank them.
Deep down, Woosung knew it was a futile hope.
“It’s not a joke, Dojoon-ssi”, Hajoon said, his voice wet, “I can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep pretending I don’t know. I’m done.”
“But … but why? Pretend what? Hajoon-ah, why?”, Jaehyeong asked, sobbing, “we can’t be The Rose without you.” Woosung probably should comfort his crying maknae but it was like he was frozen in place. ‘I quit. I’m done kept’ playing in his mind on repeat. Dojoon had mercy, rubbing Jaehyeong’s back before their youngest could start hyperventilating.
You don’t You don’t
You don’t gotta hurt baby
“We should probably sit down and talk”, Hajoon suggested, saying what Woosung wasn’t capable of doing, so he just agreed.
Woosung rubbed Jaehyeong’s shoulder for a moment, wanting to give some reassurance. The eldest heavily fell into his chair, feeling like his legs would have given out if he had stood any longer. Hajoon sat down next to him in the chair he had sat in since day one. Woosung felt sick at the thought that maybe soon he would be alone across from Dojoon and Jaehyeong, a Hajoon-shaped hole amidst everything they had.
“What is this all about, Joon-ah?”, Dojoon asked. Woosung hear the fear and desperation in his voice and he felt the hurt as much as the younger when Hajoon flinched away from his touch.
“I … I know I’m the superfluous member of The Rose, the least liked member. I know you don’t want me around and I’m easily replaceable. Black Roses wouldn’t mind if I left and I’m sure with a new drummer who doesn’t keep fucking up you can reach new highs. I know you’ve been looking for a new drummer. I’m sorry for the inconvenience of leaving now but I don’t think I can stay here any longer. I love you and I know leaving is the best thing I can do for you”, Hajoon whispered, not daring to look at them.
With every word he spoke Woosung felt all their hearts breaking.
How had they missed this? How had they not seen how much Hajoon doubted and hated himself? How … how could they even call themselves friends – brothers – when one was hurt so deeply and the others had no idea how his mind spiraled.
I know what it’s like being hopeless
Bruises on your mind like it’s broken
Woosung didn’t even notice he was crying until he tasted salt on his lips. His hands were trembling in his lap. He had never felt so helpless before. Hajoon was so fucking depressed he was on the verge of throwing his whole life away because he thought people hated him. Woosung didn’t know what he meant with searching for a new drummer but his thoughts were torn to his other members by a sob. Jaehyeong. The bassist was crying his heart out, probably as scared and confused as Woosung felt. Dojoon seemed absent, staring at the table below him as if it held all the answers to their problems.
Woosung felt a burning gaze on him and he turned to look to Hajoon, meeting his kind but broken eyes filled with tears.
His baby had been hurting so badly and Woosung had not known. He hated himself so much at the moment his chest felt tight as if he was about to have a panic attack.
But right now, it was not about him.
It was about Hajoon.
And with that in mind, Woosung was finally able to speak. He would fight for his dongsaeng, until no more tears rained and any hurt was healed.
“Baby, where did you get all of this from? We never … we … we knew something was going on. But this? Hajoon-ah, we love you so much and I don’t think any of us would want to be The Rose without you. We need you, not just as a drummer, because we need you. Our loveable true maknae who keeps telling bad jokes and is obsessed with One Piece. The amazing man who grew with us by our side, who we all go to talk our problems through and who is the reason we are even popular. Without you, without your skills, we …”, Woosung whispered, the words tasting sour on his tongue.
As Jaehyeong had said, there was no The Rose without Hajoon. There was no doubt in Woosung that if they lost him, they would all be lost. Alone the thought of standing on a stage without the reliable talent beside them, choked Woosung to the point that he couldn’t continue.
Why had Hajoon ever started to doubt their love, their affection? Why would he think they wanted to get rid of him? They needed him.
“Woosung-ssi?”, Hajoon asked, his voice small. God, how had he not noticed that Hajoon kept addressing them in formal speech? He had given Hajoon permission to call him hyung the day they had met. Sure, there had been moments of teasing and moments of sincerity where Hajoon and Jaehyoeng switched into a more formal -ssi ending but how had Woosung not noticed every single interaction had been laced with the unneeded and unwelcome formality. And with what Hajoon had said, had implied … the reason why broke Woosung’s heart. Hajoon had thought they hated him. Hated their lovely and kind baby. No, Woosung needed to remind Hajoon of that, needed him to know that Woosung – no matter what happened – would always, first and foremost, be his hyung.
“It’s hyung, Hajoon-ah”, Woosung whispered, his heart harshly beating in his chest, “fuck, I never even noticed how you just kept addressing us in formal speech for weeks. I thought you were teasing but ... Is this why? You thought you needed to speak formally to us because …” Woosung was unable to finish the sentence, say the words.
Hajoon nodded.
Woosung didn’t think he had ever been in so much pain before. Not when he had dislocated his shoulder in high school and all his dreams of becoming a professional football player had been shattered. Not when he had left his mother to start his career in Korea. Not when he had said goodbye first to Dojoon, then Hajoon and then at last Jaehyeong for their military services. Not during all the time waiting for them to come back to him.
“But I heard you talking about how I made so many mistakes that night after the concert some time ago, that it couldn’t go on with me? That I was weird. And I understand, I am a liability if I keep making mistakes. I can understand if you want to kick me out and replace me with somebody better…” Hajoon’s voice was unbelievably small when he spoke, like he was scared that voicing his thoughts out loud might make them real. Might make the three of them reconsider their protests.
If the world is comin’ down,
I won’t let you drown
Woosung startled when Dojoon abruptly got up and rushed to kneel down next to Hajoon. There was a desperation in his eyes that Woosung had never seen before and never wanted to see again. Woosung felt incredibly guilty – he had initiated the conversation back then and he couldn’t quite remember what they had said but apparently it must have been ambiguous enough for Hajoon to doubt them.
Self-hate choked Woosung and couldn’t breathe.
Woosung was so, so thankful that Dojoon was able to say the words that he wasn’t even able to form into coherent thoughts. “Joon-ah, you overheard but you misunderstood. I’m sorry. We were so worried for you that night. You made so many mistakes and you were so out of it after the concert. We tried to figure out what was going on with you because we love you. We wanted you to be okay and we never talked about replacing you, we were looking for a way to help you. I promise. We will not replace you, that is just stupid. There is no The Rose without you, angel.”
That should have been it, shouldn’t it have been?
“But … but you were looking for a new drummer, weren’t you?”, Hajoon asked, confusing them all, “Leo, I saw your laptop screen. You were on the drummer forum and chatting with drummers, I saw.”
While he was sure there was a very good explanation to what Hajoon thought he had seen, for a moment Woosung felt blinding anger at Dojoon. It wasn’t warranted, it wasn’t fair but it also wasn’t rational.
Woosung listened to Dojoon’s explanation when he suddenly was approached by Jaehyeong who must have felt lonely on the other side of the table. Right now with everything that was happening it sure felt like the distance of the Saharah. The maknae, still crying, dropped to the ground by Woosung’s side and for a moment Woosung was worried that he had fainted until Jaehyeong buried his face in the leader’s lap, seeking closeness and comfort. Running his fingers through the younger’s hair did help calm Woosung down and reduced the tremor in his hands. As he heard Hajoon sniff, he looked up to watch Dojoon comfort Hajoon in the gentlest way.
“So … you really don’t hate me or want me out of the group?”
Woosung shook his head but Hajoon’s eyes had such a distant look in them that Woosung doubted he actually saw the kitchen at the moment. As he opened his mouth to speak up, reassure the younger, Hajoon continued in a flat voice: “But you … you three fit together so perfectly. I don’t know who I am in this band anymore. I always felt so distanced from you – whenever we are on stage for sound checks or something it’s just you three and I barely know what to do with myself. You all seem like one being and I barely get to stand beside you. Whenever I tried I was pushed to the back. And … and in the studio? Why did you want me at band practice when I wasn’t able to play if not to show me a soundtrack is as useful as me and show me anybody else could do my job? Why would you want to me to stay with you when there are so many other people to choose from, people who are better than me?”
Woosung didn’t think anything could hurt more than anything that has been said today but the left-over hesitation and fear that still seemed to shake Hajoon to the core shattered Woosung’s heart into a thousand pieces.
Even if you start to lose your hold,
I won’t let you go, no
That day at the studio had been one of the worst days in their careers. Watching Hajoon, who had already been so fragile the day before and had broken down crying in the kitchen to their utmost worry and shock, force himself to play with his injured hands … no, that had been terrible to watch. Of course, with his explanation it made sense now. But that it had escalated to that stage was because of Woosung. Woosung had forgotten to speak with Hajoon about options before – he had wanted to catch the younger after lunch but had been distracted by a call from his mother. Due to his stupidity and forgetfulness Hajoon had suffered. He didn’t know what to say, guilt like a knife in his heart.
Woosung felt Jaehyeong lift his head from his lap and finally the maknae seemed to have found the strength to comfort his chingu.
“Hajoon-ah, we’re sorry you felt like we didn’t want you or felt pushed away on stage. It’s stressful up there but that is no excuse. Just, you have always been so shy. I remember you saying all those years ago that you were glad to be hid behind your drums. We know you aren’t easily comfortable with new people and are rather shy – our only motivation is to make you feel safe and protected. I’m sorry if that made you feel like you were pushed aside. We will do better from now on and not just assume. You will always be our first choice, I promise.”
Feeling his heart be just a bit lighter when Jaehyeong took the lead, Woosung added: “And that day at the studio. We didn’t handle it well and I am sorry I got angry but I was so worried that you would hurt your hands more and so scared why you would hurt yourself just to play. We actually thought you could try singing more if you wanted to, I had intended to ask you earlier but I forgot. I’m sorry.”
“No, I’m sorry”, Hajoon whispered. “I’m sorry I doubted you.”
Woosung couldn’t let him get eaten up by guilt – none of this was Hajoon’s fault. The younger had always struggled with his self-esteem, like Jaehyeong had said, he had enjoyed being at the back protected by his drums. Hajoon was shy, quiet and thoughtful, an introvert to his core and he was soft. No matter that his resting face looked a bit grim, a bit dark, Hajoon really was just a young man struggling with himself and his place in the world. He’d had his phases of melancholy and sadness, phases of reluctance and fear and there was his past of depression and dark, dark thoughts. They should have known, never should have let him distance himself. Hajoon didn’t ask for help, hadn’t yet learned that to be weak was to be strong. He needed them, like they all needed each other, and Woosung would make sure he never had a day where he would doubt their love for him and his place in the band ever again.
“Baby, you were having a really bad time, a really really bad mental health phase. We will never fault you for that. I think I will never forgive myself that I didn’t push when I saw you were hurting. We thought giving you the space you requested might help but that was the wrong move. We never wanted to hurt you. We all love you so much.”
None of them were that touchy with each other, definitely not cuddly. A casual hand on the shoulder for comfort, a hand on the back to guide another in the right direction, arms ready to hold them when they cried. Hajoon definitely needed the last one desperately, they all did. “Let us show you. Can we cuddle?”
Hajoon nodded and flung himself at Woosung, nearly knocking both of them over in his heartache. Holding tightly onto the younger, Woosung moved them both to the floor – much more comfortable and accommodating for four grown adults. Soon Jaehyeong had wormed himself into Hajoon’s arms like an overgrown teddy bear and Dojoon had all of them in his embrace, his arms clutching at Woosung in his own need of comfort but also to spent it to the oldest. All of them were crying, Woosung felt the itchiness of tears on his face but he would never let go of Hajoon to wipe them, the younger one shaking in his hold and his chest hitching badly as he cried himself out.
But there is a better life in the other side
So pick anywhere you like
After some time they moved to sit on the couch in the living room. Woosung hadn’t ever wanted to leave the embrace but he had to admit his back was starting to really bother him and when Jaehyeong half-laughed and half-cried that his feet were falling asleep they had decided to relocate.
They all had been quiet for some time now, exhausted to the core and all lost in thoughts. None of them felt ready to just go on with their day when they nearly had lost one of their own.
At first Woosung didn’t even quite realized what Hajoon asked in a raw voice, throat shredded from crying. “I really don’t have to leave?”
“You will never have to leave”, Jaehyeong confirmed.
Dojoon added: “You’re our Blue Rose, our miracle. Our angel. You will never ever get rid of us.”
Hajoon looked worried when he asked: “But the contract elimination?”
That was nothing Hajoon should have to worry about. If he was honest, Woosung would never allow him to touch it, too scared Hajoon might make a rash and stupid decision in his mental state. It was time for him to take care of his baby again.
“I’ll take care of it, baby. Hyung will take care of everything. Your only job is to heal and to let us spoil you until you can’t stand us anymore.”
Woosung relished in using the familiar nickname again. It had felt weird and wrong to not call their true maknae his baby. Hajoon would always be the one they all were protective of, even if Jaehyeong was younger than him. It was just how it was and always would be. Right now, there was nothing they wouldn’t do for Hajoon – if he had to Woosung would move mountains, stop a rainstorm and fight his way over the whole world if it helped Hajoon just a tiny bit.
They would go on together with the beauty of flowers and the sharpness of thorns. As four, always as four.
I could, I could, I could be your
The Rose could be your lifeline
Notes: Happy Birthday, Woosung!
Masterlist links: Fairy's Masterlist 2024 Fairy's Masterlist 2025 Fairy's Masterlist - The Rose