can someone help me shut my brain off? Just do a little restart of it? You know like when a computer is being buggy you just click it off and restart it and hope it fixes it?? I need that for my brain rn
I haven’t been able to stop my brain since Friday afternoon and it’s driving me fucking crazy. I honestly like don’t even know what to think/feel/do.
So I was out of work most of last week bc I’m sick (still not doing great but whatever), I only worked Thursday and Friday so I get there wasn’t really a best time for this but it’s stressing me out. I got called into the directors office as I’m going on my lunch/break Friday afternoon and they start asking me like how I’ve been doing and if I’ve been stressed and like frustrated/annoyed/etc lately. I told them I’ve been getting frustrated lately but only bc I haven’t been feeling well and a few of the kids can be a lot even when you’re top health, but regardless I made sure to let them know I try not to let my frustration show to the kids or anything.
Well ig someone in the building saw me being rough (pulling/tugging ig) with one of my kids end of the week prior (so two weeks ago at this point) and it’s bothering me so much. I don’t recall any situation where I had been frustrated with this child nor one where I would have been rough with them. I try my absolute best to be gentle with all my kids at all times, even when they’re being aggressive themselves. It’s stressing me out bc idk if I had unintentionally been rough and just don’t remember or if what they saw they like interpreted more rough than what it was? I don’t know and it’s giving me so much anxiety, especially bc the director and hr person are like “if you’re finding yourself too stressed maybe you could try a different room or move to a float position so you’re not in just one room all day” and like it all just makes me feel guilty and shitty for something I’m not even sure of happened. Like am I being insane? Am I guilty??
I hate thinking I might have been rough with a child and don’t even remember it, but at the same time maybe I don’t remember it bc it didn’t even happen you know? So do I need to be stressed? Obviously they’re going to be watching me more closely and idk if they’ve talked to anyone else about it yet or not, it sounded like they were going to ask the other two teachers in the room with me (my lead and the other assistant teacher) if they’ve like noticed me being rough or anything. And that’s got me stressed bc my lead has already mentioned she notices I get overwhelmed easily and I don’t want that like going against me. Yeah I may get overwhelmed but that doesn’t mean I’m getting rough with the children.
Like at this point I don’t even want to show up to work. I already feel scrutinized and I don’t want to feel like that more. I love my kiddos but yeah I do get overwhelmed and frustrated at times. It’d help if my two teachers would stop changing everything like all the time when they’re both newer to the room than I am. We had a routine for the kids and that routine is barely what it was anymore.
It’d help a lot if we could take sick time/personal time easier. Working with children 8hrs a day 5 days a week is exhausting; interacting with parents that are sometimes just annoying pricks is exhausting, and you’re telling me I’ll get written up if I don’t have sick time to use AND fail to provide a drs note?? I get it, people were abusing their sick time and not showing up, but maybe just fire those people?? The way stuff is set up right now is literally harming your employees. You’re not giving them adequate time to rest when sick, it’s basically impossible to take a mental health day which is so so so needed regardless of your career, and days off are so few and far between. Like I truly feel like I’m being worked to the ground.
I’ve been sick pretty much non-stop with one thing or another for 4 maybe 5 months now? And I’ve only been working here 7 or 8 months at this point. I’m exhausted, I never get to rest bc I have to work while ill unless I truly feel like I’m dying in which case I’m sent to the ER and I fucking hate being at the hospital (being there gives me anxiety on its own).
Like I honestly don’t want to go to work tomorrow. I’m already anxious about it and that’s making me moody and I can’t let that be known or shown in anyway at work. Like if you’ve read this at all, am I being crazy? Am I guilty and just trying to convince myself I’m not?
My mental state has gone downhill sooooo bad this weekend over this and I hate it. I hate how I’m feeling right now and I hate knowing it probably won’t go away anytime soon bc as long as I feel I’m being watched for wrongdoing I’m going to be stressed out. I swear I need an anxiety med again, but I’m so worried my psychiatrist will tell me she doesn’t think I need it, but like my anxiety’s been climbing for a few months now.
Idk, I’m rambling so much at this point. Original topic, do you guys think I’m guilty somehow?? Do you think it’s maybe just a misunderstanding? Like I don’t know what to think or try to tell myself.
