#working through emotions

[kiirous]

I want to be able to work through my emotions. Not just pushing them down. And I'm looking for ways to do that.

The problem is: They all require me to recognize what I'm feeling. I can't tell feelings apart. At least most of them.

[jiljilec]

🕊️ ⚔️

[allvibesvalid]

Manic or Spiritually Awakened? Ask my psychologist.

[mumblebeebumblebee]

Not mad, processing. There is a HUGE difference. Seeing as you consider her your “ex-wife” I do get a little jealous sometimes. You don’t want to marry me but you’ve been down that road with her and a little bit with Claudia. I don’t know why it bothers me so much but when she adds you on a game that you used to play when you with her it just feels like old feelings are being brought up. I said she didn’t threaten me as much as Claudia (because she’s further away and you told me she was getting married) but I do still feel a little threatened. 

I’m also processing how you’re still so close with Meghan. I’m jealous of her looks, how you like her piercings but when I say I want to get one it’s “trashy”. I don’t like her. I’m jealous and envious of her and that’s not going to change. I’m still trying to work through my emotions about how you lied when you slept with her. Maybe it does have to do with my “time of month” I am more sensitive, but it doesn’t change how I view situations. 

[juhlastrudels]

Today was the last day of school for the siblings (Yay for them. They made it.) so our grandmother took everyone out for pie to celebrate. While we were at the table waiting, the mention of college and what they wanted to be and where they were going to go came about. It was mostly directed at my brother, of course, since next year will be his senior year.

I made a point to mention the fact that our parents will be unable to co-sign any loans, just as they are unable to with me. So instead of getting caught with his pants down like I was, he should keep that in mind when he looks at schools.

To this my mother turns, looking mildly surprised, and proceeds to tell me that my brothers first two years of college have been paid for by my grandmother. Those payments you start making when children are small to help put them in college and everything.

And I just...

I had to excuse myself to go cry in the bathroom. I'm actually very surprised by how mad and upset this makes me, I'm usually not one for crying, let alone crying in public.

I'm happy for my brother, I am. He wants to go to school to be a Vet, so he'll be in school for a couple years at least. It's good for him that he has that support for he first couple years so he can figure out what the fuck to do in terms of money.

And not that the money would have made much of a difference for SVA (I'm sure they meant state universities and such in the contract.) But, two years is a huge chunk of the time I plan to spend at UNF, it would mostly be entirely payed for at that point.

After this entire nightmare of dealing with the financial aid office and the government quibbling with my Papa about paying child support, it's gone on for 9 months. Nine fucking months of anxiety and worrying about money and always needing more paperwork. I just feel bitter and surprisingly let-down and sad.

I had one of those plans when I was young, I think all of us did/do except for Quinn. A relative of ours (Our God-mothers/God-fathers, ect) took up the plans and so it began. My Aunt was the one who took the plan out on me, kept up the payments until a three or four years ago when she was out into a really shitty spot in her life. I don't blame her at all for stopping the payments. But she didn't tell my parents, who would have taken up the payments, and the money was lost. All of that fucking money for nothing.

Don't even get me fucking started on her little shit of an adopted son who had a free ride to college because he had been in the system most of his life. And then fucking threw it away to become a lazy-ass bum.

I'm just angry. I'm going to go buy a pie or something and just eat it and cry for the rest of the day. God damn it.