❝ I have to place duty first. It's what is expected of me. ❞
arranged marriage starter
Nothing about this felt like it was an honor, despite everyone telling him he should be honored. His opinions were unconsidered, although he felt like most thought he didn’t have opinions, and he didn’t know it was happening until it was well on its way. It felt like an accident, him finding out when he did. His father made excuses and apologies, but Jin Guangyao had been around enough liars to know when someone was saying things to sound good. It was an inescapable fact of life: no one wanted to look bad. He dutifully took the apologies and excuses and pretended like he didn’t want to rage, to demand why him. Surely, it was considered an offense to some to send a man to marry a man (and with the way his father talked about it, surely it was one), especially one of Lan Wangji’s status. Although, knowing what he did of Lan Xichen, Jin Guangyao had a hard time imagining picking someone his brother wouldn’t be attracted to in some aspect. It felt almost blasphemous to wonder if the Lan sect had asked for a man instead of a woman, so Jin Guangyao was quite happy leaving it to a late night rumination instead of wasting daylight wondering. Jin Guangyao knew that his father considered some of his cousins to be of more value and higher status than his son claimed only after killing Wen Ruohan, which made Jin Guangyao wonder why him. Well, he only wondered for a short while before knowing what were the most likely reasons why.
His Jin family never took the pains to let him forget where he came from and to remind him that it was a shame that he was a son of a whore, that he was a blight on the Jin name. Handing him off to the Lan would mean that he wouldn’t be “staining” Koi Tower with his presence and efforts, even if they were more than happy to benefit from what Jin Guangyao did. That would be one benefit to leaving - not hearing son of a whore said directly to him. The Lans may think the same, but their rules would be to Jin Guangyao’s benefit. Although, he had a hard time imagining the Lans choosing someone they didn’t deem acceptable to be the spouse of one of their beloved Jades. They must see something in him that the Jins didn’t as, once it was known Jin Guangyao knew, he became bombarded with people telling him a filthy thing such as him didn’t deserve to stain the reputable Hanguang-jun. If he took delight in asking them who they would choose instead and if they were willing to speak to his father about changing it and watching their faces turn colors as their mouths snapped shut, no one would know. He always phrased the questions civilly, knowing that any perceived slight in his words would bring repercussions down on him.
Even with all that said to him, the thing that burned Jin Guangyao and made him want to become something more like Nie Mingjue than himself was the fact that his chance to become Jin, a proper Jin, was stolen from him once more. First, it was taken by the sin that he was unwanted and unnecessary because his mother was the wrong woman. He fought for where he got, bled for it, killed men for it. And once more, he was discarded, pushed away from ever being a Jin. Oh, he had the name, yet it wouldn’t carry much if he wasn’t able to be around the Jin more and learn how to be one. Now, he would live with the Lan as someone who was never able to complete his goal of becoming a respected Jin. He would merely be the facade of a Jin, but perhaps that made him more Jin than some. He would become like the walls of Koi Tower: gilded with gold and festering inside. Instead of a work of old, he was a creation of his father and broken hopes.
With all that weighing on him, twisting him, he went into the meeting with Lan Wangji with reservations and a gilded smile. It was rather awkward. Lan Wangji had never been one for conversation from Jin Guangyao’s observations, and his manner of speaking did not align with the way that Jin Guangyao painted each word. A little more conversation was garnered when Jin Guangyao asked about his thoughts on the match because he needed to prepare for what to expect when he moved to the Lan to become the husband of their Second Jade. Hearing that Lan Wangji considered this a mere duty was relieving in a way that Jin Guangyao refused to show.
“I am happy to see we are in alignment about the importance of this duty,” he said, “Without those willing to put duty first, things would most certainly fall apart. We cannot all be those who live life on a whim.” He paused, taking a breath and looking down at his tea, watching Lan Wangji from beneath his lashes. “With us of similar mind about the duty of having this marriage, I hope we will have a cordial relationship. I know there are further duties between those who are wedded. Do you have any expectations outside honoring the duty to our families?”
