i just need some quiet.
The storm in my mind will NOT slow down. If you experience any mental health as I do, you may understand the tsunami of thoughts and emotions that can fuck up your whole day. Episode after episode, and you still come out feeling as if the world finds you a silly person. Oh, and yes - I am medicated.
How do you channel your emotions when the world gets too loud? For me, it's been listening to music loud enough that I will definitely need hearing aids when I'm in my 50's. There is also dancing involved. I do have other grounding methods that are just as equally effective to me. I'll drink ice water, to know that I am real. Calling my safe contact to talk it out eases my pain. I'll take a shower and let the water run over my face and hair to drawn the world out. Snuggling with my cat, is always a go to when the quickness of my heart beat scares me. That is when my cat allows me the pleasure of laying down and decompressing with him.
There can be hours, days, months between "episodes". I call them episodes because it is literally like living a sitcom episode of chaos. So many emotions flying with physical feelings of pain, tingles or heaviness is a true shit show. They can come on as a trigger, stress, or with change - which is exactly what I'm going through.
Trying to find the right "happy cocktail" is a journey. If you are on your own mental health journey, I am sure you can relate. Feel free to share your story.
Long story long....
I have fought so much over the years. I first asked for help when I was 23 years old after shit went down with close family and being abused by my first sexual partner. I have struggled with depression and anxiety since I was 10 years old. Lucky me, my genes fit. My parents divorce triggered it. However, it didn't become severe until witnessing an altercation that changed everything for me and my family. Then my dumb ass went and got in a situationship with someone I should have never encountered.
Honestly, at the time I hated myself. I hated the world. I didn't care who I hurt. I didn't care what destruction my actions caused. The family situation fucked with my head. I was numb and wanted to "escape". The person involved in the situationship with me wasn't exactly available. I hate myself for allowing that to happen.
I attempted to, you know, and failed due to my niece walking in on me. Her and my brother had just came home as I tried to act upon my emotions and hatred for myself at the time. I can successfully say that, although it has been a rocky road, I am in a healthier head space. I do have to take it one day at a time.
I have been in and out of therapy. I am a huge advocate for therapy. You do have to find your person, which can take some time. I have learned a lot about myself and grounding. Boundaries are my most favorite thing that I have learned. I did not start medication until about two years ago. I protested meds at first, but once my grandfather died and I moved back to a negative environment at home and work - I had a breaking point when I experienced my worst episodes that involved harming myself again. The inside of my skin was crawling as if my insides wanted to escape my skin. Needless to day, now I am medicated.
I don't know why I am sharing this. Actually, that's false. I felt writing would really help with tonights episode. Honestly, it has. I feel lighter and more calm. I just needed some quiet. I know what a silly person... am I right? It'll be okay either way. You're also going to be okay. Trust me, there are ups and there are downs. Ride it all out, your feelings are valid. You're doing great.
xo,
writemind
P.s. I am no writer. You're entitled to your own opinion. Pouring salt in my sugar won't make yours any sweeter.
