sorry if i bothered you, but i'd like to ask for your insight on how to write a sex-positive character, without diminishing their asexuality.
i'm asking this, because i am building and original character, whom i've decided to be a panromantic asexual and who's also in a relationship with a relationship with a lesbian character. and i would like to hear your tips and perspective, as an ace individual.
btw, who do you think is more represented in media, sex-positive or sex-repulsed asexuals?
i'd really appreciate your thoughts on this!
have a nice day!
Not a bother at all! I love stuff like this and any messages 💜
My biggest suggestion is considering how being asexual changes someone's relationship with sex. They aren't having sex because of some unresistable attraction, so why are they? This can have a variety of answers depending on your character including (but not limited to):
-sex as a way of expressing love/intimacy
-they want to make their partner feel good
-they like being wanted
-horny/high libido/likes orgasms
-feeling guilty for not having sex/fear that not doing it will cause a partner to leave (these would be more angsty and demand more exploration than the others but sadly realistic for some people)
You can combine some or, if you're feeling especially ambitious, all of them. But it's always a good idea to understand a character's motivations.
Your character may also have a unique history with sex or feeling pressured to have it (by someone or just by societal expectation) that changes how they think about it.
You may also want to consider: have they told their partner they're ace? Why or why not? How does their partner react to it? How much do they know about it? Does it change their relationship when they find out?
It can also help to figure out if they're no sexual attraction ace or rare sexual attraction ace. Demisexuals need a strong emotional attachment first and some asexuals experience some rare sexual attraction. And then there are aces who have never felt it.
Another tip would just be reading what other people (especially asexuals) have written, by skimming the asexual tag on tumblr or reading ace stories to get a feel for how you want to address it. There are so many experiences and it's impossible to represent them all, but know what some of them are can help it feel more authentic.
In my experience, I've found sex-repulsed asexuals to be more common in original media with sex-positive asexuals being more common in fandom HCs and fics.
Thank you for the question, I hope I was able to help 💜
A stereotype is when someone assumes all people in a group behave in a certain way.
For example:
Lesbians have short hair.
Americans eat a lot of fast food.
Girls are bad at videogames.
While this assumption may be be true for some, it is not true about everyone in the group. Not all lesbians have short hair, but some do, and it's okay to write a lesbian character with short hair, so long as the author doesn't claim all lesbians have short hair.
Saying that some people in a group behave a certain way is not a stereotype, it's a fact of life.
The same is true for asexuality. There are many stereotypes about asexuality: "asexuals don't ever have sex", "asexuals think genitals are gross", the list goes on. The untrue thing about these stereotypes is that they apply to all asexuals — they do not — but these statements will apply to some asexuals, and that's okay. The important thing to understand is that people are varied, and no group of people, including asexuals, will all behave the same way.
When a character in a story adheres to a stereotype, it's important to make sure they're not portrayed as being a joke, or being "weird". It's okay if a girl character has no interest in videogames and isn't very good at them, but writing a story where a girl is made out to be a joke to the reader for being bad at videogames, or saying she’s bad at videogames because she’s a girl is a harmful stereotype.
Since we are VERY underrepresented in today’s media, here are a few tips to add more asexual characters to your story. All of the tips are under the break.
tw: mentions of sex (nothing explicit, though the word shows up frequently)
tw: mentions of trauma (nothing explicit or specified)
1) Ace vs. Aro vs. Aroace
Do a bit of research (or maybe you’re here because you’re trying to do research, and if that’s the case, good for you). You’ll quickly find that asexuality, aromanticism, and being aroace are three similar identities, BUT NOT THE SAME. Think of them as cousins if you will. This post is just about ace characters, and while many of these topics can also be true for aroace characters, you still need to be aware of the difference. Ace, or asexual, means a lack of interest in sexual activity, or lack of sexual attraction.
2) Not all ace people are sex repulsed & being ace is different than abstenance (or however you spell it)
Some ace people hate the idea of sex (sex repulsed), while other asexual people don’t mind it (sex indifferent), or even enjoy it (sex favorable), but they don’t feel an attraction toward people sexually.
A common example to conseptualize this is the cake analogy, where cake represents sex:
Non ace (in the ace community, referred to as allo, or allosexual): Wow. that cake looks so good. I really want to have some.
Abstenant allo: I love cake, but I’m on a diet
Sex favorable ace: I don’t want the cake, but if I had it, I would like it.
Sex indifferent ace: I don’t really mind the cake either way.
Sex repulsed ace: I don’t like cake.
3) Being ace is not a mental disorder, nor is it inherently caused by trauma
It’s long been disproven that being asexual is caused by an imbalance of hormones, or that it’s a mental illness. Please do not write your ace character that way.
Also, while trauma can cause people to become ace, and being ace because of trauma is just as real and valid as being ace without a reason, being ace is not an indicator of trauma. While it’s important for people who’ve experienced trauma to be heard, and to have their stories told, it would also be great to see asexuality be represented as it is: a sexual orientation. I would encourage you to make your character ace without having a “reason why they became ace.”
4) Be deliberate
Ace characters frequently get their identities ignored, and the more explicitly you make them ace, the better. Ideally, you use the word asexual or ace, or, if that word doesn’t exist in your character’s world, there’s another word that means the same thing. If not, have them talk about it, maybe they tell someone that you know what? they’re just not into that sort of thing. Or they talk about how all of their friends seem to love the idea of sex when they just don’t see what all the hype is about.
Which leads to...
5) The ace experience varies
Some asexuals don’t realize their identities until they’re older because they didn’t realize that they were “supposed” to like it. Some asexuals think that they’re broken (they’re not) for not liking it. Some asexuals are proud of being ace. Some asexuals realize they’re ace, and never think about it again. Some asexuals lived in positive environments where their identiles were validated. Others were bullied. Some asexuals didn’t hear about being ace until they were older. Others heard about it when they were still kids.
Basically, this means that you’ve pretty much got a huge variety of expereinces to choose from, when writing your ace character. That being said with all characters, their history will affect their present personality, so if they were bullied for being ace, they’re probably more likely to shove that part of them down, or be less willing to talk about it, whereas if they were supported, they might be more open.
6) Most ace people don’t really care if someone else is having sex
It’s not about not liking it as a whole, but rather not enjoying doing it personally. If someone is sex repulesed, they may not enjoy hearing about it, but the fact that people do it in general usually is not a big deal.
This means that even if you’re trying follow point 4 and be deliberate, having your character say ew every time the word sex comes up tends to come off as more childish, which is not positive representation.
7) Being ace is not a phase
People are not just “immature” for being ace, nor is this “just a phase” If your character arc is about going from being ace to being allo, then maybe rethink that one since that isn’t usually appreciated in the community.
Execption (this isn’t really an exception): if you have an ace who is not also aromantic, you are allowed to let them find love, though that love is going to be driven far more by character than by looks or desire to have sex. If their partner wants to do it, they may be willing to (or they may not be), but it will be for their partner, rather than a want or desire to engage in sex itself. Please make anything like this consentual. Please. If you’re going this route, please reread anything you write to make sure that the character’s relationship still alligns with their identity.
8) Being ace does not mean having a low libido (sex drive)
Yes, that’s right. There are (and you are allowed to include in your story) asexuals who are really horny. They’re still not going to look at someone - especially a stranger - and think to themselves “I wanna fuck them”
If anyone has any other points, feel free to add to this list
1. Make them a person, not just an ace person. To quote Orphan Black, “My sexuality is not the most interesting thing about me.” Being asexual obviously affects a person’s life, but many, many aspects are the same as someone who isn’t ace. As I often put it, asexuals are more different than they are alike. Focus on writing a human being with feelings, relationships, hopes, regrets, and everything else: just consider how not experiencing sexual attraction would affect different aspects of their life. In my daily life, I can go days or weeks without even thinking about being asexual. I have a job, friends, family, interests, and hobbies, and unless it comes up, the lack of sexual attraction in my life is about as notable as the lack of underwater basket weaving.
2. Remember that romantic and sexual orientation don’t always match up. In other words, not all asexuals are aromantic—in fact, though it’s hard to get accurate data, over half of asexuals identify as romantic. There is absolutely nothing wrong with writing an aro-ace character—I’ve written several of them myself, and they need representation just as badly as all asexuals—but make it clear in your writing that the two aren’t mutually exclusive. Some asexuals want romantic relationships, with other aces or with non-aces, and they are no more or less asexual than aromantics.
3. “Sex-averse” does not always equate to “touch-averse.” I want to be clear that asexuals vary widely in their attitudes toward sex: some are repulsed by it, some indifferent, and some even enjoy it. But all too often, I see sex-repulsed asexuals also being repulsed by non-sexual touch, as if the two are the same thing. Some asexuals are touch-averse, as are some people who aren’t ace. But among asexuals, attitudes toward touch can range from “deeply uncomfortable” to “cuddle addict.” And this applies both within and outside of romantic relationships. If your character is touch-averse, that’s completely fine: but be clear in the writing that they’re not touch-averse because they don’t like sex.
4. Platonic love can be just as strong as romantic. This is important in any story, not just ones with ace characters, and is one of the things I’d love to see more of in all sorts of media. But especially if you have an ace character with only platonic relationships, please remember that those relationships can be just as strong as any romantic attachment—just because someone is asexual and/or aromantic doesn’t mean that they don’t form strong emotional bonds with other people, whether they’re family or friends.
5. Read real experiences. Probably the most important part of writing about any group you don’t belong to, honestly. You can find these experiences anywhere: Googling “asexual experiences,” searching for the same on YouTube, browsing the forums on AVEN and other ace-centric sites, blog posts, etc. You don’t have to be an expert on the subject: every ace experience is different, including your character’s. But you’d be amazed how much more realistically you can write a character if you spend just a little time researching real people.
6. Consider the context of their life. This covers too many questions to name, but I’ll give you a few to start with. When does this story take place? Where do they live? What is their community’s attitude toward LGBTQ+ people? Their family’s attitude? Are they out—and if so, to whom? How did they realize they were ace, and at what age? This is where reading real experiences becomes especially important, because there are plenty of things about the ace experience that makes it unique from being gay, bi, pan, etc., as well as plenty of ways it’s similar.
How to make sure people know ur asexual character is ace
1- have them say they’re ace.
That’s it. Don’t beat around the bush or leave room for any speculation. There is some where in the dialogue u can squeeze in “I’m asexual”. That’s literally it. Don’t use their celibacy as proof(not all aces are and not a celibate people are ace) don’t use sex repulsion as proof. Don’t use an other trope as proof. Literally say it. Say the word. Don’t allow room for anyone to say they’re not. Done.
