Hello!
I’m having trouble with writing an avoidant attachment character.
As the base for it I’m taking my own life experience, but I don’t want to portray it only from one perspective.
The female character: emotionally intelligent, mature. Very much “I’d rather say what I’m feeling than stay silent about it “
Male character : very receptive in person, protective, supportive and romantic. But distant, dry and outright ghosting for extended periods once long-distance. Yet still very receptive at the same time?
How would I go about writing such an avoidant/avoidant-leaning POV and character in general ?
Hello! Thank you so much for your ask! I love how you want to incorporate your experiences into your character but are still considering other standpoints!
I like how both of your characters seem to understand their emotions well, but I specifically enjoy the romantic v. distant contrast in your male lead!
From what I see, both characters seem to share a strong value from independence. Since your female character is mature and emotionally perceptive while also being open to communicating her feelings, her reasons for avoidance will likely lie somewhere along the desire for independence and/or lack of deep trust for others.
Definitely consider fleshing that out! If those reasons weren't what you had in mind, that's completely fine! However, you want a solid foundation as to why she's hesitant towards relationships because she will have to overcome some, if not all, of those concerns.
Same applies to your male character! Why does he vanish come long distance? Is it boredom? Lack of trust?
Again, these causes will have to be addressed if you want a functioning relationship.
Something that is crucial, however, is for them to build mutual trust with one another. It might take a lot of time and effort, but there is no relationship, regardless of if they're avoidant, without trust. So set them up in some situations where they have no choice but to trust each other! Keeping secrets is a good place to start if you don't have many ideas :)
On top of that, you want to let them learn they can rely on each other. This helps overcome the issue of over-independence but try not to keep it reasonable--otherwise their relationship might flip into a codependent one.
Communication is also key! The woman might be good at explaining her emotions but make sure that her partner puts in the effort to do the same!
Things are going to be rocky at first; maybe they'll have a fight or two over the male character's distance or over the female character's bluntness. That's okay. They're both avoidant (or close to it), so adjustment is necessary.
Researching what types of avoidant disorder each character has may assist you too!
Keep in mind I'm not highly educated about how avoidant people may act, think, and/or feel! You likely have a better grasp of these aspects than I do, so prioritize your own ideas over mine!
I hope this helps!
Happy writing~
3hks <3