rewrite
Notes: this is hella late lmao but this is for @writinginstability's 1k writing challenge. Like I finally got this done lmao. This was made 1AM so don't expect anything.
Pairing: Connor x reader
Word count: 1619
Prompt: "Unfortunately, I'm not very good at kissing."
You never felt this way, ever, in the so-so years of existing mundanely on earth. Not with any man, any woman, any human.
Yet here you are now, standing beside an android, a machine, that you knew had no real, beating heart; flesh replaced with plastic, veins and arteries replaced with wires, red blood to blue blood. Both of you stared ahead at the bridge in silence, snow beginning to taint your hair and his with white.
It was only a few minutes that you had Hank to get in his car, passing out from the alcohol. You had his gun holstered to the other side of your waist in case he wakes up (which you doubted), for safety measure. Well, you just didn't like it when he pointed that gun at the android beside you, and even more when he points it at himself.
You don't remember well when it started. What "it" was, you weren't so sure of, yourself. You were just another police officer, stressing out about cases here and there. Somehow, you got assigned to deviancy cases, under Lieutenant Anderson, who, somehow became your father-figure upon working closely with him.
Everything was normal, routinely, until this RK800 came tagging along.
There was just something about Connor, that made you so... inclined? Interested? Attracted? To him.
Could it be his little quirks, how skillfully he flips and plays with his trusty quarter when, you mused and wondered whether it was his way to alleviate his boredom? Impatience? Anxiety?
Impossible, you thought. He's CyberLife's last hope for solving deviancy. He doesn't feel anything, or so he says.
Could it be his... personality? That "android innocence"? How he turned out as he is now, with the interactions he's made with Hank, with the interactions he's made with you?
Impossible, you thought. He's CyberLife's last hope for solving deviancy. He couldn't feel anything, or so he says.
Could it be his eyes? Those pools of brown that were supposed to be lifeless, but somehow, still able to bear in them, a myriad of emotions. They exuded a warmth that you've never found in anyone else; you tried denying it, you wanted so badly to disbelieve that his gazes made you feel special, cared for, and dare you say, loved. It was different, he was differentㅡ
Impossible, you thought. He's CyberLife's last hope for solving deviancy. He wouldn't feel anything, or so he says.
Yet why would he go so far as to remove his jacket to drape over your shoulders? Why would he stand so close to you that your hands on the railing brushed against each other? Why would he suddenly increase his own temperature once he detected that you were feeling cold?
"Is there something bothering you? This is as much warmth I can offer, but the Lieutenant's car is more capable of giving you that." Connor informs you, his own way of coaxing you into going home, instead of standing aimlessly out in the cold, which wasn't advisable for humans with quite thin clothing.
Was there something bothering you? How dare such an advanced, intelligent android ask you such a dumb question. It wasn't just a single thing. There were questions in your head that you'd wanted answers to; especially with what Hank just declared: Connor was able of showing emotion, and the poor machine unknowingly does it so.
But does he really not know?
You turn to him, eyes scanning over his perfectly made features, his face seemed to glow with the help of the snow, and the night sky helped so much in making him stand out so much. He is beautiful, that you found yourself taking in another deep breath to regain control of yourself. "Connor,"
The RK800 cursed himself. Just that, just you saying his name that way that no human nor android has ever done before, and he sees his systems reaching levels of instability that he must try to repair, stop, prevent, suppressㅡ
"How sure are you that you do not, cannot, would not, feel anything?"
Oh.
"I am a machine. The very reason why we are together in this case is because there are machines that mistake themselves as humans. I am not, cannot, would not, be like them."
You raise a brow at his response. True, it may have sounded like some firm resolution, perhaps even a mantra that plays in the recesses of his mind every single day, but there was something ironic to it. "You say that, but call 'those' machines as 'them'."
You sigh, clenching a hand at your side, mustering enough courage to finally voice out... a confession? Of feelings? Thoughts? Criticisms? You weren't sure what these were that you were going to say.
You were afraid to face it and even call it something. What a cowardly thing to do.
"...it annoys me, and it pains me that I'm feeling very confused. About you, about me, about us."
Connor reads your stress levels slowly rising, and felt something akin to being troubled. Is that what he caused you? Is that how his presence made you feel? Why is he even thinking about this? He shouldn't care what it is that you think of him. You shouldn't mean anything to him.
Yet he feels so hurt just at the thought of that.
His internal struggling couldn't be seen on his perfect facade, not even his LED indicator showed it, as he maintained it to a nice, neon blue color.
"Connor I... I think, and... I feel that I like you. I want you, and it's so, so hard. Because I don't understand why I'm like this. I don't know how to react to this, falling for an android? No one has answers for that. No one." You suddenly blurt out, deciding, fuck it, fuck whatever, and you're just going to let it all out.
Connor calls out your name, his hands reaching towards both your shoulders. "I do have an answer to that," he begins, "You're just confused, and you shouldn't dwell on these unnecessary emotions for a thing like me."
The moment those words left him he regretted it. It was like he was saying these to himself as well. He lets go of you soon as he sees the pain and hopelessness in your eyes.
You were hurting. And Connor was at a loss.
"I know that and somehow I can't. I mean, who would find it normal for a romantic relationship between a human and an android to happen?" Your hand reaches up to cup his face. Connor leans to your touch, and yet you still tell yourself that he didn't.
You tried pulling his face closer to yours and neither of you would admit that Connor was moving of his own accord, that you were inching your body closer to his.
And then he stops; your lips just barely touching, eyes barely open, barely breathingㅡ
"Unfortunately, I'm not very good at kissing."
Connor's LED was half red, half yellow, and all you could do was whisper back, "...you never know until you try, right?"
^^^Software Instability
So he does.
Connor's lips and yours danced in a frenzy of passion and pent up emotion, so raw, so pure, that it was electrifying. You couldn't decide whether you were shivering from the cold or from the way his heated hands roamed down from your neck, to your sides then to your back, squeezing your hips, pulling you even closer to his body.
If only you were an android, then you wouldn't need to pull away for a breath.
If only you were a human, then you wouldn't need to pull away for me.
Human and android holding the other in each one's arms. They remained there for a full minute, just the other listening to the soft whirring of a thirium pump, and another to a faint heartbeat.
"Think you can want me as much as I want you?" You asked breathlessly, avoiding to look at him, resting your cheek on his chest, once more looking out at the bridge.
"...if only that it was possible, that it wasn't hopeless." The RK800 murmurs, heavily laced with regret with each passing word.
"But it is possible Connor. It's up to you, it's up to me, it's up to us. All we have to do is... try."
Connor gently pushes you away, now the both of you standing at an arm's length from each other. His LED indicator was back to blue, and he begins to revert back to his "machine" self, his "true" self.
"Fortunately, for you, you do not have to try anything because... I'm no deviant."
You smile, bitterly, and it made you look so broken, so fragile. You knew that, you said to yourself. You were wasting your time and energy on such a worthless matter. But you don't regret having this conversation, this moment, that kiss, you shared with him.
"True... but I know... that you want me. Too bad,"
Connor calls out your name, but all you do is remove his jacket, fold it decently before handing it back to him. You spun on your heel, got inside Hank's car and drove away, trying not to let a single tear drop to the steering wheel.
The RK800 fought himself to stop you from leaving, to hold you much longer, to want you the same way he knows that you want him. His systems needed to be checked and rechecked over and over, forcing the messages of chasing after you to be gone from his screens. It was wrong, it was a bad sign for him to "feel" anything.
Because he knows that he can't have you.
