“sometimes i wish i could just turn it off, turn it all off.”
you would say, for the hundredth time that week, the palm of your hands buried deep into the pile of snow before you. it was cold, definitely, the burnt from the sudden change in temperature should have bitten your delicate skin but all you could feel was the anger coursing through your veins. the redness of your palm barely scrapped the level of pain you had felt every single waking day.
“you’re going to hurt yourself if you keep this up y/n.”
his voice, as strict as ever, but always with a hint of gentleness when it’s for you. he gripped onto both your wrist that was submerged in the pile of fluff, bringing you up on your feet with ease before squeezing a heat pack between your numbing hands.
daichi had always been this nice to you. always. was it because he saw you as his younger sister? was it because he felt an obligation to watch over you? or was it because you’re just a clumsy friend in his eyes?
“i’m not hurting myself when you’re here.”
“i’m not always going to be here, y/n.”
he sighed, rubbing your frosted numb fingers together with his large warm ones. the heat pack he had brought out was doing real little as compared to his own temperature.
‘why not?’ you thought, those words felt bitter on the tip of your tongue—almost as if it had evaporated along with the puff of moist air that slipped from your lips.
nothing seemed to be able to form aside from those words you couldn’t bring yourself to say. words buried so deep in your heart, it felt like you were bearing your heart open if you do string them into reality; and somehow you did.
“...you would see more of me.”
“you’re really cruel, you know that?”
your once distant hues were now staring right into his hesitant ones. you could almost see the guilt swirling in those pupils you thought would only look your way.
“i’ve loved you ever since the day we met!”
“no! you don’t know—you don’t, because all you ever want to know is if i’m doing anything stupid. or if i’m hurting myself. that’s all you see in me. someone that constantly needed you.”
he loved you too. truly, but never in the way you wanted him to.
daichi wasn’t dense, nor was he ignorant of the love you have for him. maybe he was cruel for leading you on, but he couldn’t bring himself to end it. you were just as important to him.
“when will you ever love me?”
his words had you blinking a few tears back as your angered grip on his hand loosened.
“just not the same way you do for me.”
a deep sigh of frustration left his lips. perhaps today might just be the day he end it after all. it wouldn’t do any good to continue this play of pretend.
“what does that even mean? love is love, is it not? why are you denying—”
“because i was the one that constantly needed you.”
his eyes that was once filled with so much worry and care for you, for the first time, seemed unfamiliar in your glossy hues.
needed. if he said that to you a few days ago, perhaps your aching heart might have fluttered. perhaps your warm cheeks might be an obvious sign that you had fallen for him all over again.
but you knew deep down, this...this familiar feeling that was overflowing your senses.
you whispered, having had enough.
“i know so...please let go.”
daichi wondered if this was the end he wanted you to have.
if he hadn’t been selfish, maybe you wouldn’t be like this now.
“—so then i can let you go.”
was there no other way but an end?
“i’m sorry for being selfish y/n.”
with one last squeeze and a gaze that held remorse, he wrapped his scarf around your trembling figure before turning to leave.
“please take care of yourself.”
even the last few moments were of him looking out for you; take care, how ironic—when you had always been this way in hopes he will one day truly be with you.
with his scent lingering subtly under your nose, you weren’t sure if the abandoned heat pack or the numbness in your heart was colder in this harsh winter.
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a/n: this was a really old piece that i re-visited after experiencing the same sentiment when i first wrote it. hope it make sense and thank you so much for reading.
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