happy fucking birthday ^___^
where and how should i begin? i got up at 5:30am today to start my first shift at 7am, but I ended up doing the flag setup which i originally signed up for. i mean that's fine. I worked registration and after that ended, i walked with this nice guy who's in delta lambda psi and goes to my school to work at the info table. he asked me a few very unexpected questions, but i answered them anyway. i mean, i don't know him. he asked me about my sexuality (which I couldn't answer satisfactorily) and if I'd come out yet (i said yeah, to my mom and some of my friends). i might rush for delta lambda psi next quarter because of his urging. after that i went to a qpoc workshop and i met this nice person of middle-eastern (i think) descent (i'm really sorry if this is offensive) who also goes to my school. i made a fool of myself, but who doesn't do that occasionally or always? anyway, the workshop was interesting because everyone basically voiced my opinions. like we all had the same view of the issues (multicultural centers are not working with the queer centers so there's like.... difficulty.... hard for me to explain). then it was lunch. i don't want to get into too much detail, but basically i was so tired by the end of lunch. i still had another workshop which i loved... it was about consent and the facilitator was so sassy and awesome i was like yes. just yes. so at this workshop, i saw this person who looks very similar to my crush. they both have pink hair and delicate features that i love and very blue eyes that my friends back home would probably find creepy. but i don't care, because i love that. i wish i had the opportunity to introduce myself to them, but i couldn't. and this is where i'm getting at. at the dance, i saw them, and i really wanted to talk and dance with them. but me being shy and ridiculous and unable to function in general, did not. and i left after i saw another girl dancing with them exclusively. it was about fifteen minutes to midnight when i left. i just couldn't, you know? i can't. they look so similar and i'm just like...... so sad......about something so childish......but it's really my own fault for having higher expectations. i just think i volunteered basically my entire saturday and i sort of hope for it to end happily, cus like, that would be really nice.
as i was walking back to my apartment at night in the semi-cold and trying hard to not cry (it'd be so childish if i did cry), i told myself that i was going to turn twenty somewhere i'm not associated with. it ended up being a bus stop. then i went onto a bridge and stood close to the edge, ripping up pieces of raffle tickets and throwing them down into the ravine, thinking of my goals for the year i am twenty.
but is it true, what i promised myself? that europe would have better music, that i'd stop being so hard on myself and live life the way i want to with no fear, no reservations, no hesitation? i don't think it will become true. things like this aren't so easy to attain. but i'm fucking twenty and i still have such childish wishes. i'm supposed to be mature. but i'm not too fond of this uncertainty in my life. i need to know myself. and it's difficult, yeah, but why? is it all me and my personality?
my friend told me a week ago that since i like my flatmate so much, maybe i should just tell them. i don't think so. i mean, i want to, but it would make things shitty. she's really beautiful though. i wish i were too, so i wouldn't be so hard on myself. both inside and outside, i'm too invisible and boring. people gloss over my existence.... i should be content that she even talks to me. she talks to nobody else in the flat except the RA. but like...i've never told a girl that i like them. in fact, i've never told anyone period that i liked them.
today i also thought about crushes because that delta lambda psi guy asked me if i've had my first crush yet (kinda odd to ask, but i found this question easier to answer) and i said it depends on his definition. but it just got me thinking: i've crushed majorly on two girls in 9th grade. at some points, i've liked a little bit more than in a friend way my closest friends (well some aren't that close anymore), and in 12th grade, no matter how much i deny it to myself, i was basically in love with my friend i made that year. they were all girls. as for the guys, i've liked this guy in band for a few years and this other guy in band for a few months but like i think that's it. but i dunno. liking someone in the way i did is a really one-sided ordeal. there's no interaction beyond casual-friendly-close friendly.
yeah, i am pretty immature. i need to change. i'm trying, but the circumstances of like.....everything (not really) are hindering me from changing for the better. so i thought, well, maybe i should just toughen up and become ruthless. very goal-driven, very ambitious and just plow through to get to my goals (all academically speaking) and forget about anything else. cus my dad was pestering me about my life beyond my education. i may love germanic languages, german oppression of other nations, and the like, but this is just knowledge. i think what i'd actually be doing as a career might be something social justice related. in east asia. something along the lines of PRIDE. he won't like it too much.
it's just that....my non-existent self-esteem and self-confidence will run out of negative numbers eventually, and what will happen then? it'll be really difficult to get my spirits up again. it feels like life will only get harder and less rewarding and i have to lower my expectations more and more until i have no expectations and like... i get kicked around by life and acquiesce to everything because i deserve and won't ever experience better. wow.
all right i'm going to sleep.