#wrwlfbite

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oh boy. i really need to start working on my thesis. 

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Things/People I Could Be For Halloween 2014

Cher from Clueless

Gwen Stefani

Werewolf

Xena

Punk Sailor Moon

Margaery Tyrell

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things that can help panic attacks (for me)

intense focus on my breathing/breathing exercises. breathe in through the nose, exhale through the mouth. do this slowly. 

good posture during breathing exercises and in general. standing up straight helps breathing and lung capacity. 

counting up to ten over and over again. i’ve tried going past ten, but that gets me distracted. counting to ten during breathing exercises help. 

baths/swimming. being in water is a big help. whether it’s some time in my bathtub (either in a large bathroom with lots of light, or with the door open so that i don’t feel claustrophobic) or in a pool, focusing on the water temperature and swimming… it gets my mind off things without making me feel sweaty or gross. 

air conditioning. a nice blast of cold air instantly helps. i’d rather be shivering and cold then be too hot. 

calm, measured speaking about mundane things, like penguins or babies. seriously. talk to me about penguins waddling around the antarctic or cute baby giggles, and i will calm down. 

nicki minaj. again, not kidding. rap music soothes me— there’s something about the beat and the rhythm that slows down my heartbeat. nicki minaj is my go-to, because the songs are usually lighthearted and empowering. “let’s go to the beach-each, let’s go get a wave…”

being somewhere “safe.” a quiet bookstore, a library, a mall on sunday morning (aka with no people around), my home. being around people i feel comfortable around is good as well, as long as they don’t ask me questions or make me feel guilty for feeling ill. the company and the safe environment reminds me that i’m in control.

when the panic attack is letting up, a reminder that i’ll feel better tomorrow, that it’s almost over, that i can rest and relax for a while is important. having a panic attack is incredibly taxing on the body— i’ve had ones where my stomach/chest cramps so hard that my ribs and abdominal muscles feel bruised and sore, as if i’ve just been running a marathon. my heart was beating so fast that i’m out of breath and tired. reminding me that i don’t have to be anywhere or do anything (even if that’s untrue) will help the panic attack taper off, and keep another one from starting.

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2014 Summer Bucket List

Spend some quality time at the beach — especially around Orange County and closer to San Diego. 

Finish the rough draft of my thesis. 

Read 10 books. 

Proxy by Alex London (6/2/14)

Create a lesson plan for Wet, Black Ink and talk with Doug about his expectations. 

Go for a long walk around the neighborhood every weekend with Navin and Cookie. 

5/31/14

Watch a movie with my parents at their house once a week. 

Have lunch dates with my mom at least twice a week. 

Swim at the pool with my dad at least once a week.

Go on photography dates with my dad a few times. 

See a comedy show with Navin. 

Plan a vacation with Navin (Chicago?)

Spend 4th of July with my parents and give Navin blueberry buckle and watch John Adams or something patriotic. 

Go to E3 with Navin?

Pay off my credit cards. 

Get some more of my rose tattoo worked on.

Take train to Little Tokyo with Navin.

Go to Little Tokyo with Claire.

Take yoga classes.

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soundtrack book two

save your soul - she wants revenge

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soundtrack

sweet dreams (are made of this) - marilyn manson

keep the streets empty for me - fever ray

particles of the universe (heartbeats) - dan romer, benh zeitlin

black poppies - cocorosie

easy (switch screens) - son lux, lorde 

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when i first moved to california, i was miserable. i had wanted to leave my tiny hometown in illinois since i was a freshman in high school, but the act of actually leaving everything i had ever known to start a completely different life caused me to realize how out of my depth i really was. there were days where i sat and cried, curled up on my bed in my dorm, wishing to see my friends and parents.

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Can you ever feel your jugular throbbing, your heart pulsing from under your ribcage, blood pumping through your veins, thick and hot? My skin gets clammy and cold at the same time my digestion shuts down. My heart beats faster, so fast that it feels like it will break through my body. Sometimes, my stomach clenches so hard, my muscles cramping so tightly that I stop breathing for long seconds.