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anna cruze is a writer, filmmaker and photographer living in los angeles. she loves horror, tattoos, action flicks, and comic books. if she could sing, she'd be in a band.

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the house i grew up in, christmas 2008

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oh boy. i really need to start working on my thesis. 

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Happy Father's Day!

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my bedroom, 2011/2012

what was i watching? not sure. probably fringe.

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catalina, 2013

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bedroom setup, 2011/2012

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Things/People I Could Be For Halloween 2014

Cher from Clueless

Gwen Stefani

Werewolf

Xena

Punk Sailor Moon

Margaery Tyrell

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aiming for relaxation, new year's day 2014

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moving day, 2011

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happy (belated) 30th anniversary, mom and dad! may you have 30 more years! 

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bagel, kumail nanjiani and emily v. gordon's cat, 2011

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books i own about mental illness/psychology/the brain

This is by no means a comprehensive list of books regarding psychology, mental illness, or the brain. These are just books that I own on the subject. I've read others, which I don't own (yet), and there's plenty more that I haven't heard of (yet). Mostly, this is a list of me to refer back to, to update, and for people to use to find books that might help them make sense of mental illness and psychology.

Books I have read are marked by an asterick (*)

General 

Phantoms in the Brain: Probing the Mysteries of the Human Mind by V.S. Ramachandran

Snoop: What Your Stuff Says About You by Sam Gosling

A First-Rate Madness: Uncovering the Links Between Leadership and Mental Illness by S. Nassir Ghaemi

Psychiatric Tales by Darryl Cunningham *

Stop Pretending: What Happened When My Big Sister Went Crazy by Sonya Sones *

Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ by Daniel Goleman

Vital Lies, Simple Truths: The Psychology of Self-Deception by Daniel Goleman

The Story of Psychology by Morton Hunt

The Anatomy of Human Destructiveness by Erich Fromm

The Developing Mind: How Relationships and the Brain Interact to Shape Who We Are by Daniel J. Siegel

A User's Guide to the Brain: Perception, Attention, and the Four Theaters of the Brain by John J. Ratey

On a Darkling Plain: Journies into the Unconscious edited by Ivan Ward

Anxiety

The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine N. Aron *

Monkey Mind: A Memoir of Anxiety by Daniel B. Smith

Agorafabulous! by Sara Benincasa

Don't Panic: Taking Control of Anxiety Attacks by Reid Wilson *

Bipolar

Haldol and Hyacinths: A Bipolar Life by Melody Moezzi

Facing Bipolar: The Young Adult's Guide to Dealing with Bipolar Disorder by Russ Federman *

An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness by Kay Redfield Jamison *

Madness: A Bipolar Life by Marya Hornbacher *

Wishful Drinking by Carrie Fisher

Manic: A Memoir by Terri Cheney *

Marbles: Mania, Depression, Michelangelo, and Me by Ellen Forney *

Touched With Fire: Manic-Depressive Illness and the Artistic Temperament by Kay Redfield Jamison

Depression

Prozac Nation by Elizabeth Wurtzel

Darkness Visible: A Memoir of Madness by William Stryon *

The Bell Jar by Slyvia Plath

Lit by Mary Karr

Unholy Ghost: Writers on Depression edited by Neil Casey

Schizophrenia

January First: A Child's Descent into Madness and Her Father's Struggle to Save Her by Michael Shofield *

The Center Cannot Hold: My Journey Through Madness by Elyn Saks *

Suicide

Night Falls Fast: Understanding Suicide by Kay Redfield Jamison

A Sorrow Beyond Dreams by Peter Handke *

Other 

Whispers: The Voices of Paranoia by Ronald K. Siegel (paranoia)

Girl, Interrupted by Susanna Kaysen (borderline) *

Wasted: A Memoir of Anorexia and Bulimia by Marya Hornbacher (eating disorder)

A Lethal Inheritance: A Mother Uncovers the Science behind Three Generations of Mental Illness by Victoria Costello

Smashed: Story of a Drunken Girlhood by Koren Zailckas (addiction) *

Her: A Memoir by Christa Parravani (addiction, borderline)

Sharp: A Memoir by David Fitzpatrick (self-harm)

Fiction

One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest by Ken Kesey

Postcards from the Edge by Carrie Fisher

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things that can help panic attacks (for me)

intense focus on my breathing/breathing exercises. breathe in through the nose, exhale through the mouth. do this slowly. 

good posture during breathing exercises and in general. standing up straight helps breathing and lung capacity. 

counting up to ten over and over again. i’ve tried going past ten, but that gets me distracted. counting to ten during breathing exercises help. 

baths/swimming. being in water is a big help. whether it’s some time in my bathtub (either in a large bathroom with lots of light, or with the door open so that i don’t feel claustrophobic) or in a pool, focusing on the water temperature and swimming… it gets my mind off things without making me feel sweaty or gross. 

air conditioning. a nice blast of cold air instantly helps. i’d rather be shivering and cold then be too hot. 

calm, measured speaking about mundane things, like penguins or babies. seriously. talk to me about penguins waddling around the antarctic or cute baby giggles, and i will calm down. 

nicki minaj. again, not kidding. rap music soothes me— there’s something about the beat and the rhythm that slows down my heartbeat. nicki minaj is my go-to, because the songs are usually lighthearted and empowering. “let’s go to the beach-each, let’s go get a wave…”

being somewhere “safe.” a quiet bookstore, a library, a mall on sunday morning (aka with no people around), my home. being around people i feel comfortable around is good as well, as long as they don’t ask me questions or make me feel guilty for feeling ill. the company and the safe environment reminds me that i’m in control.

when the panic attack is letting up, a reminder that i’ll feel better tomorrow, that it’s almost over, that i can rest and relax for a while is important. having a panic attack is incredibly taxing on the body— i’ve had ones where my stomach/chest cramps so hard that my ribs and abdominal muscles feel bruised and sore, as if i’ve just been running a marathon. my heart was beating so fast that i’m out of breath and tired. reminding me that i don’t have to be anywhere or do anything (even if that’s untrue) will help the panic attack taper off, and keep another one from starting.

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things that can trigger anxiety attacks

not taking my medication every day, like i’m supposed to.

drinking caffeine. or too much caffeine. chocolate is fine, espresso is not.

drinking alcohol. margaritas are okay, beer is alright… but not too much.

thinking or hearing or being around medical emergencies. like, seriously. instant heart palpitations and passing out will follow. please don’t talk to me about that surgery you had done. i will get pale and start hyperventilating.

doctor visits. especially if i have to get my blood drawn. on the other hand, doctor visits are good, because if anything goes wrong, i’m around medical professionals.

thinking about all the things i’m allergic to and how they can kill me.

thinking too hard about what can go wrong in the future. not even big stuff like nuclear attacks and war, or even car accidents, but stuff like getting a poor grade on a paper. 

not enough sleep. if i get under four hours of sleep, i’m useless, and should stay home. 

too much sleep. if i’m overly tired, i assume something is wrong, and start worrying about why i’m so tired.

not enough food. when i’m having an anxiety attack, i crave healthy food. mostly tomatoes, carrots, and salad. too much junk food and not eating enough will cause my blood sugar to get too low, and that is a recipe for disaster. 

enclosed spaces are a whole lot of NOPE. keep the windows open, let plenty of light in, and always figure out where all the exits are.

warm weather-- i overheat easily, so anywhere without air conditioning or ventilation will make me feel hot, clammy, and instantly so uncomfortable, a panic attack will soon follow. having cold water, an air conditioned building, or ice will help keep me from panicking if it's just a hot day. so no deserts or jungles for me.

crowds. nope nope nope. too much stimulation, too many people, not enough room to breathe. instant nope.

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where the magic happens...

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