This Headache Is Killing Me
That’s my current response when friends ask me how I’m doing.
Weird right? It seems as though I’ve almost dodged the question entirely, but the truth is, I don’t know the answer.
What I do know is right now there is air in my lungs, my heart is beating, and I’ve got a massive headache that won’t go away.
Really, the only way I know I’m alive is because of the headache, the whole lung and heart thing just sounds poetic.
This dang headache is killing me but maybe it’s also keeping me alive.
My mind is everywhere per usual - is that what causes a headache?
I should take some Tylenol but then that’s just another pill on top of the others which isn’t appealing no matter how much it could help.
Now I’m just rambling but at least I’m alive to do so.
Today is World Suicide Prevention Day. If you actually know me, you know this day is one of the most important days of the year to me.
This year though, it is hard and I don’t want to do it - I don’t want to tell people how much life is worth living.
I don’t know why this year is different. Maybe I haven’t addressed my own feelings. Maybe I’ve been too busy telling others they should stay alive that I have neglected to tell myself that I too should stay.
Maybe today is just an off day and gosh, this headache is killing me.
What I do know is, I want to write songs that people hate but I love because that’s me in the song.
I want to drink coffee that people think is gross but I push through the bitterness because I’m stubborn and want to be different.
I want another tattoo that people will say they like but actually hate and say I’m crazy for getting because I’ll hate the band in a few years.
I want this headache to go away.
Today is World Suicide Prevention Day and I hope you stay for your headache.
I hope you struggle and push through because some day it’ll be worth it - at least that’s what I’ve been told so let’s find out if they were telling us the truth.
It’s easier to just end it, but I’m stubborn and can’t take the easy way out.
I’ve written the letters before, but there was too many to write. It’s crazy that the moment I gave in to the thoughts and finally starting writing those letters, was the exact moment I realized I had to stay. I was too lazy to write so many letters and knew I owed people a personal explanation.
Maybe it’ll take you writing letters too, but I hope you get lazy like me and realize people care about you.
If nothing else, let’s just make it to the day the headache goes away.
When that day comes, you can sit with me and we’ll re-evaluate over that coffee that you hate.
So until then, I hope you know that headache is worth having because it means you’re still alive too.