AFTER EVERYTHING.

Thoughts. Dreams. Fears. Life.

[johnsonsm1]

Since I Chose To Stay : The Third Edition

It’s World Suicide Prevention Day.

On this day, I write a blog called “Since I Chose To Stay”, this will be the third one I’ve written, but I don’t want to write it this year. 

This day means so much to me but this year I’m exhausted. It feels like life is constantly punching me in the gut and I keep standing up and shaking it off till the next punch. It’s not sustainable to live like this, but I have to keep going. 

Depression and anxiety work closely together in my life. At one point they were enemies but one day they learned they are after the same thing and are stronger together. I tried to completely get rid of them but I’ve come to realize that they aren’t going anywhere. What I learned is instead how to live with them. My two pills every morning don’t completely destroy them, instead it weakens them to a manageable position. I know life outside of those pills and it doesn’t last long.

Back when I was at Christ For the Nations Institute, I was denied acceptance to go on a global outreach trip because I was taking medication for my mental illness. You see, to complete your first year you have to do a global outreach trip. You get a list of trips all across the globe, apply, interview, and then go. 

I’ll never forget having my interview with the professor leading the trip. He looked back and forth at my application and me. I knew in that moment I should have lied on my application. 

The application asked a series of normal questions then asked some very personal ones. It asked if you had ever self-harmed, I said yes. It asked if you had attempted suicide, I said yes. It asked if you were on medication and for what. Of course, I said yes and explained. I was back and forth on if I should put what I knew they wanted to hear or put the truth. 

Being in Bible College, I chose the truth. 

That was a mistake.

The professor interviewing me stopped and looked me in the eyes. “Do you not believe the Lord will heal you?”

I was so confused. I said of course I do.

“Then why would you take medication if you believe the Lord will heal you?”

I held back tears and tried to think of a response and I had nothing.

“I can’t take someone on this trip that doesn’t believe in healing.”

I explained that I do believe in the Lord’s healing and that I had asked him for it, but I refuse to stop taking my medicine. 

I left that interview being denied acceptance on that trip. I walked to my car and cried. I’ll never forget gripping the steering wheel, white knuckled, begging the Lord to just end it.

I wasn’t accepted into any trips and decided I’d just have to figure it out the next semester. 

That next semester I never finished. 

My anxiety overtook me and I had to withdrawal to seek outpatient treatment. 

That was 2016/2017.

Here I am in 2020. 

I’m still hurt by those words- by the questioning of my faith in the Lord’s healing. Except now I believe the Lord is healing me. He’s using my medication as healing. 

I know what my life is like outside of that medication and it looks like death. So I choose to take those two pills and stay alive. 

Because of those pills, I stayed.

Since I chose to stay, I got to visit Alaska. I got to go salmon fishing, see a glacier and hear a piece fall into the ocean, see puffins and porpoises, and watch bears catch salmon from the side of the road.

Since I chose to stay, I have had some really incredible beer.

Since I chose to stay, I have felt alone.

Since I chose to stay, I got to witness Hayley Williams release her first solo album and it’s incredible.

Since I chose to stay, I got a new tattoo based on Hayley Williams’s new album.

Since I chose to stay, I get to live through a global pandemic.

Since I chose to stay, I started a business with my best friend. It’s wild to be a small business owner and have people actually want our product. I’m so thankful to have the opportunity to sell our nitro drinks at the tap houses I work at. 

Since I chose to stay, I have written and preformed new music.

Since I chose to stay, I got to go backpacking with friends.

Since I chose to stay, I have zoom called with friends and played board games over the internet.

Since I chose to stay, my carpal tunnel has gotten worse.

Since I chose to stay, I finished my AmeriCorps term with EarthCorps and met some incredible people.

Since I chose to stay, I am interning with HeartSupport.

Since I chose to stay, I get to help my friend re-launch his non-profit.

Since I chose to stay, I am learning more about myself everyday.

Since I chose to stay, I get to keep living.

I hope you choose to stay too.

[johnsonsm1]

Suicide is an option.

Is suicide the answer? Maybe.

I’m not ready for that though.

That would mean I say goodbye to everything - forever.

So maybe I stick around at least a little longer.

Right?

Then again, that’d be easier.

Say goodbye.

It’s for the best?

Even in the contemplation there’s question marks.

I assume that means I’m not ready to go just yet.

That is part of a journal entry I wrote just two days ago. It was actually World Mental Health Day. It’s comical because on any of my social media, you would assume I was doing great- I was literally fundraising for the mental health organization Heartsupport. I was calling people asking them to donate money to help people choose life over suicide while my own mind contemplated the very thing I so outwardly was fighting to end. 

That’s the vulnerable truth. 

So why share this? Why type one of my deeply personal thought processes out for all the world to read? 

I’ve found that it’s easier to be vulnerable than to struggle alone. 

For me, I have to name suicide as an option- that doesn’t always mean I am actively trying to take my life, but to not name it as an option is to give it power.

So while yes, suicide is always an option, I am not currently suicidal. I am okay. I took my medication this morning, showered, ate breakfast, fed Fido, I’m at a coffee shop drinking a pretty good latte with a little too much simple syrup, and it’s way too cold outside. 

How are you doing? 

I hope you are enjoying life and taking the opportunity to feel however you feel. I hope you are still watching Grey’s Anatomy all these years later and laughing that you are in fact, still watching Grey’s Anatomy. 

I hope you acknowledge the things you need to and you don’t let shame keep you silent. You’re worth listening to. You thoughts are worth acknowledgement as crazy as they may seem. 

Remember, life is this really weird journey that we somehow all ended up on together. 

The picture from the top of this post is from a backpacking trip I took with some of my best friends earlier this year. I remember when I took this, it was the first sight of the water in the distance and I knew we were close to the shore. It was all downhill from there, literally. I was so stoked to not be gaining elevation anymore. I was excited that the pack on my back would soon be lighter, and I would be sitting listening to my friends laugh and talk about stupid things that none of us actually know much about but we act like we’re experts in the field. 

We walked along the shore for the next mile or so, every now and then referring to the paper map very loosely showing us where our designated area to camp was. 

As the sun settled down, my headlamp went on and we continued trekking to camp. Next thing I know, we were back to gaining elevation. I’m talking rope attached to a tree on top of a very steep trail type of elevation. 

Cool. 

On the other side was camp. After this climb, the pack would be off for the night, we would be laying looking at the stars. There would be peace. 

Just like I thought the elevation was over, the hardest part of the hike happened. 

Often times, my depression and anxiety sneak up on me right when I think I’m doing good. 

I can’t deny, it’s hard. 

I want to quit, but then again, I have all the tools I need to make it. 

I’ve got my friends, my headlamp, a rope, and a really poorly drawn map from the ranger station showing me loosely where I’m at. I’ve got my friends, a hope I hold on to, and my past experiences proving that I can make it through the worst of times. 

So sure, tonight has the potential to be hard- maybe the hardest thing I’ll go through will happen tonight, who knows. If that happens though, I’ve got what I need to make it to tomorrow. 

I hope you do too.

[johnsonsm1]

Since I Chose To Stay: The Second Edition

On September 7, 2017 I wrote a blog titled “Since I Chose To Stay”. It was a post about everything that I got to experience because I chose to stay alive. That post opened up numerous conversations with people I never realized also struggled with their mental health. 

Now, almost two years later, I want to revisit the idea of that blog. 

It’s been about 3 years since I last attempted suicide. 

Here’s a look into the life I’ve lived since I last set down the knife and decided to stay.

Since I chose to stay, I graduated Parks Law Enforcement Academy. I learned that I am able to persevere in a lot of really challenging situations. I gained three great friends that I still keep in contact with and love dearly. I pushed myself and became healthier physically. I learned how to drive an emergency vehicle and am still insanely prideful in that.

I also learned self-care. For me, it was going to the movie theater alone every Tuesday for $5. I love going to the movies alone.

I learned that when people love and believe in you, they will push you because they see you for who you are.

Since I chose to stay, I accepted a job in Minneapolis, Minnesota as an outdoor supervision attendant. My job consisted of hanging out with kids, informing park visitors of the rules, and shutting off the lights on the kickball crews at 10pm sharp. I met the greatest kids and read way too many books. I learned that I love hearing the distant groans of angry, drunk kickball teams when I hit the lights off, but hey, I wasn’t getting paid past 10, and I was ready to go home so can you blame me? I learned that I am good at talking to random strangers and making connections. I also learned that I don’t love the Midwest.

During my time in Minneapolis, I lived with three guys. I love them all, but I will never live with three college-aged boys again. I got to experience random house shows and the creepiest venue ever- The Paper House. I figured out I love being alone sometimes. I watched all of The Handmaid’s Tale, Parks and Rec, and Brooklyn Nine-Nine. 

I also got to visit Chicago for a house show in the backyard of one of my favorite band’s house. I fell in love with Chicago and I want to go back.

Overall though, I learned PBR is better on tap and Sporty’s will always feel like home.

Since I chose to stay, I moved back to Seattle for a job as a crew member at EarthCorps, an environmental restoration non-profit. 

I’m currently doing this and I love it.

So far, I have learned that I am passionate about helping in a lot of ways. I’ve learned I’m good at talking to people and asking dumb questions. I’ve learned a lot of people think I’d be decent at stand-up and my crew is the most awkward people when it comes to group pictures. I learned I’m pretty good at digging holes and need a lot of improvement at plant identification. I’ve made friends and become known as a Jonas Brothers fan, which I will proudly accept. I learned that leading a group of children for volunteer events is way more exhausting than planting trees or removing invasive species could ever be. 

I learned that I hate Himalayan Blackberry and the thorns will scratch your tattoos even if you try to prevent it. I learned that pulling ivy sucks but when it’s in a mud pit it may actually be the funnest thing you can do at work.

I learned that making up Buzzfeed quizzes will pass the time like nothing else. If you’re wondering, my Disney princess is Bell from Beauty and the Beast and the Avenger who would take me on a date is Captain America.

I learned that my crew has my back and won’t stop fighting for me when I need it. 

Since I chose to stay, I recorded and released three songs under the name Rookie Ranger. These songs were so personal and to release them was a huge win for me. 

“Midwest Feelings” is a song about my mental illness battles while living in Minneapolis. “I’m Alive” is about anxiety. It’s funny because I actually wanted that song to sound all over the place to try and mimic the feelings of anxiety but it ended up being my favorite one.  “Who’s To Blame?” was written about a certain moment in my life that has caused me a lot of pain.

Having my friend Ryan Davis record and produce this EP, Monday Night Kickball, will forever be one of my favorite memories. 

After it released, I got to play two shows in my hometown and found I love playing live. Purple Haze Vape Shop in Nacogdoches, Texas will always be home to my first show as Rookie Ranger.

Since I chose to stay, I’ve gotten to be a part of two of my dear friend’s weddings. I learned I still hate dresses, but I would do anything for my friend’s. i learned I will always have a farmer’s tan so now, I just own it. 

I learned that I will sob at any wedding because seeing my friend’s marry the love of their life is a beautiful thing. 

Since I chose to stay, I ended up working at Starbucks and actually loved it. 

Since I chose to stay, I got to see Aly and AJ live again and yes, I did cry like a baby.

Since I chose to stay, I attended HeartSupport’s first ever gala and rocked a bolo tie .

Since I chose to stay, I am starting to figure myself out.

Since I chose to stay, I saw Paramore twice on their After Laughter tour.

Since I chose to stay, I got to vote for change in Texas.

Since I chose to stay, I saw Chelsea Peretti live and cried from laughing so hard.

Since I chose to stay, I got to see my niece turn five.

Since I chose to stay, I got to see the Astros beat the Mariners and be told to leave Seattle.. Go ‘Stros!

Since I chose to stay, I get to attend trivia every Tuesday at the best tap-house in Seattle.

Since I chose to stay, I got to get my tattoo dedicated to New Girl, the greatest TV show there ever was.

Since I chose to stay, I get to backpack the Ozette Loop with my crew on July 27th.

Since I chose to stay, I am now only on two pills a day and am actively working to find a therapist.

Since I chose to stay, I can ask the hard questions and advocate for mental health.

Since I chose to stay, I get to take everyday one day at a time.

Since I chose to stay, I can live.

Why did you stay?

[johnsonsm1]

Snow Seems Cool Until You’re In It

There was a lot of snow for a couple weeks in February 2019 in Seattle. After growing up with no chance of snow, I was stoked to experience what I believed would be the greatest few days of my life. I was set to start my new job when out of no where the snow fell. It didn’t stop falling until my joy of finally living with snow turned into sadness, and I was too cold and unmotivated to want to even step outside. 

My anxiety began to build as the snow continued to fall and my mind went from thought to thought.

Why did I move here again?

What makes me think I am in any way qualified for this job?

It’s really cold.

Why didn’t I just go to college like everyone else?

There’s no way I’ll make friends- I’m too awkward.

Gosh, it’s cold.

The snow didn’t stop falling and my thoughts didn’t stop racing.

It’s weird being trapped in your own mind. Knowing the truth but believing the complete opposite. I could rationalize anything in those moments. 

The snow was nice but it postponed my first day at work and that allowed my mind to continue to race.

When the first day finally did come around, I was terrified. I probably said some dumb jokes and made some people laugh just to avoid them potentially hearing how fast my heart was beating. I felt like I had just run a marathon and the day had just started. It was exhausting, hard to focus, and I just wanted it to end.

Fast forward to today, May 1st, 2019.

It’s been less than three months and these people are closer to me than I could have ever imagined. This is my crew- the five people I have the honor of working with everyday. 

My anxiety likes to trick me into thinking I will have no one. My mind will take anything and have me dwell on it for days. I won’t sleep because of one thing I said that I am convinced was taken the wrong way. I say sorry constantly because I don’t want people to think I meant anything against them. 

It’s a problem but it’s the truth.

My crew has continuously put that lie to rest when it comes up. 

They’re absolutely ridiculous and I love them so much. 

From annoyingly sending me counseling opportunities, to attending a baseball game when they don’t even like baseball, they’ve made me feel more alive. 

I know that I can’t make it alone. I’ve tried to and it doesn’t end well. People need other people- I believe we were created with that in mind.

So today is May 1st, which kicks off Mental Health Awareness Month. There’s still so much to be said and done. Everyday is a battle and sometimes we’ll lose. That’s okay though- there will be more days and more opportunities to stay alive, so stick around.

Check out forum.heartsupport.com  if you need encouragement or people to talk to. 

Call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline if you need help now: 1-800-273-8255.

[johnsonsm1]

This Headache Is Killing Me

“How’s it going Sarah?”

“I’m alive.”

That’s my current response when friends ask me how I’m doing.

Weird right? It seems as though I’ve almost dodged the question entirely, but the truth is, I don’t know the answer. 

What I do know is right now there is air in my lungs, my heart is beating, and I’ve got a massive headache that won’t go away.

Really, the only way I know I’m alive is because of the headache, the whole lung and heart thing just sounds poetic.

This dang headache is killing me but maybe it’s also keeping me alive.

My mind is everywhere per usual - is that what causes a headache? 

I should take some Tylenol but then that’s just another pill on top of the others which isn’t appealing no matter how much it could help.

Now I’m just rambling but at least I’m alive to do so. 

Isn’t that great?

Today is World Suicide Prevention Day. If you actually know me, you know this day is one of the most important days of the year to me.

This year though, it is hard and I don’t want to do it - I don’t want to tell people how much life is worth living. 

I don’t know why this year is different. Maybe I haven’t addressed my own feelings. Maybe I’ve been too busy telling others they should stay alive that I have neglected to tell myself that I too should stay.

Maybe today is just an off day and gosh, this headache is killing me.

What I do know is, I want to write songs that people hate but I love because that’s me in the song.

I want to drink coffee that people think is gross but I push through the bitterness because I’m stubborn and want to be different.

I want another tattoo that people will say they like but actually hate and say I’m crazy for getting because I’ll hate the band in a few years. 

I want this headache to go away.

Today is World Suicide Prevention Day and I hope you stay for your headache.

I hope you struggle and push through because some day it’ll be worth it - at least that’s what I’ve been told so let’s find out if they were telling us the truth.

It’s easier to just end it, but I’m stubborn and can’t take the easy way out.

I’ve written the letters before, but there was too many to write. It’s crazy that the moment I gave in to the thoughts and finally starting writing those letters, was the exact moment I realized I had to stay. I was too lazy to write so many letters and knew I owed people a personal explanation.

Maybe it’ll take you writing letters too, but I hope you get lazy like me and realize people care about you.

If nothing else, let’s just make it to the day the headache goes away.

When that day comes, you can sit with me and we’ll re-evaluate over that coffee that you hate.

So until then, I hope you know that headache is worth having because it means you’re still alive too.

[johnsonsm1]

[johnsonsm1]

Three Days.

T H R E E  D A Y S .

That’s all it took for me to completely fall apart.

I constantly tell myself that one day I will be able to function without medicine for my mental illness.

Today is not that day.

Three days ago I ran out of the most important medicine I take- the one that balances chemical levels in my brain.

I’ve gone a day or so without it, but have never experienced withdrawals like I did these past few days.

This weekend was supposed to be the best one since I moved to Minneapolis. I got to hang out with one of my best friends from Seattle and celebrate her recent marriage again. It still was an incredible weekend because she is a safe place and her family is made of the most incredible people I’ve ever met.

But I finally broke down when the withdrawals hit me. I drove back home as planned but had a major anxiety attack while doing it. I talked to my mom and calmed down enough to make it home with the help of Paramore’s After Laughter album and a little Beyoncé.

When I got home around 3:30PM yesterday I immediately laid in bed and watched New Girl. This is the show that cheers me up. It helps me focus on the humorous aspects of life and has been a vital part of dealing with mental illness for me. I watched a few epsiodes and went to sleep since the pharmacy was closed and I had to wait to get my meds. I slept until 5:45AM this morning then went to work at 6:30AM.

Nausea, dizziness, and irritability were just a few of the symptoms of withdrawals I had. Along with that came a throbbing headache where if I moved my head to just look at something I felt like my head would explode. I was counting down the minutes until I got off.

I got off work at 12:30PM and headed straight to the pharmacy. As soon as they handed me my medication, I couldn’t possibly get one in my system any faster.

I’m not vomiting anymore but I’m exhausted in every way.

Six hours later and I’m writing this.

Why?

Because being on medication isn’t fun, but it can be vital to your mental health.

I forgot to refill my meds and all of this happened. I just got busy. I can promise you I’ll never get too busy for my medication again though.

When this happens, it’s always hard because I realize how dependent I am on my meds. But I’ve come to accept that it’s okay.

It’s okay to be on medication.

If you need meds, get them.

I’ve asked God to heal me, and I think he has a beautiful and redemptive plan for my mental health that involves medication.

Don’t be ashamed of taking medication, but know you’re more than your medication.

You’re more than your mental illness.

[johnsonsm1]

An Ode To PLEA.

I’d be lying if I said I enjoyed everyday of Parks Law Enforcement Academy.

I’d also be lying if I said I hated it.

The truth is, Parks Law Enforcement Academy taught so much about myself I did not know.

I remember the first day... I was late. Great way to start the next four months right? I should have scouted out the college and found the building we were meeting in prior to 0756 that morning when I was supposed to be there at 0800, but hey, I make mistakes. So there I was, locked out on my first day. Luckily,  Lieutenant came and opened the door at 0805 and said it was supposed to be unlocked. I didn’t feel as bad anymore.

Then I walked in the classroom.

When I saw Commander for the first time I instantly wondered what I had gotten myself into. He was tall and had a command presence I never knew existed. I remember thinking, “I played a random punk show at a vape shop a few days ago and now I’m here.. this doesn’t make any sense.”

As the academy went on, I broke down too many times to count. That’s when I learned I was exactly where I was supposed to be. In those moments of feeling defeated, I somehow pushed through.

I owe a lot to Commander Overby and Lieutenant Overby. 

I questioned my presence in the academy and Commander encouraged me with words that not only encouraged me in the moment, but built me up as a person. When I did terrible at my physical exam battery the first time, he told me the truth. If I didn’t work extremely hard to lose some weight and push myself harder than I had before, I wouldn’t make it. In that moment, I made a commitment to myself that I would do my best and push myself- and I did. 

Lieutenant helped me with a diet and would check in to see how everything was going. More than that though, she was present at any moment. I knew if I needed anything, she was there. 

So academy went on and I pushed through, but I couldn’t have done it without my fellow cadets, my friends - Olyvia, Julien, Ray, and Stephen. These four are incredible. 

I had a few anxiety attacks and these four were there. When I was too loud in class, these four were usually too loud as well. When I just needed to vent about something, these four listened. Julien questioned pretty much everything I said, and how I said it, but I still love him (Y’all vampires or something?). 

My squad, Cascade, made my journey in the academy so incredible though. 

At our first squad meeting, Stephen and Nicole, our leader and sergeant at arms, informed the squad that whatever we do, we do as a team. If the other squad did push ups, we did too. If one of us doesn’t pass inspection, we all do push ups. We were a team. We worked hard but and had fun doing it. We pushed and encouraged each other every chance we got. We suffered through the freezing rain during emergency vehicle operations course. We slammed each other to the ground during take-downs. Most importantly though, we had each other’s backs. I knew they wanted me to succeed and would do whatever they could to see that happen.

During our final physical exam battery, I cut off 4 minutes from my original time on the 1.5 mile run. My last two laps, four people from my squad who had finished ran alongside me. They encouraged me and pushed me as I ran. I did my best and that’s what I set out to do. We recorded our weight and I had lost 20lbs since the beginning of the academy. When Commander recorded it, he said “I’m proud of you.” Those words meant the world to me.

I can’t put into words what all I learned in the academy. From 4th amendment to how to talk to children, these four months changed my life. I have a higher respect for law enforcement. 

I can promise you this, the people I graduated with will show the public a side of law enforcement that isn’t always shown on TV and social media. They will be the police that lend a hand. They will be the police that show respect to everyone they meet. But they will also be the police that stop crime, seek justice, and be present.

We were trained with high standards, we faced difficult scenarios, but I couldn’t have asked for better people to go through it with.

In the end, I learned that I actually can do anything I set my mind to, even open my eyes after getting OC sprayed.

Thank you Commander, it was an honor being under your leadership.

[johnsonsm1]

Why aren’t we talking?

Conversation.

It can be awkward.

It can be fun. 

It can be hurtful. 

It can bring peace. 

It can change someone’s life.

So why aren’t we talking?

I think we can all agree that conversation is the most powerful thing we have. Conversation is how operate. We don’t even usually think about it, we just talk.

But what if we did think about it? 

What if our conversations became a tool? 

What if our words transformed thought processes and actions? Can they?

Yes.

Just today I went to El Ranchero, the best Mexican restaurant in Nacogdoches, and I chose something different because of a conversation with the waitress. It was a great decision too. 

Let me ask you this though, would you have a conversation about suicide, mental illness, self-harm, addiction, etc, if you knew it could change someones life? 

So why aren’t we having these conversations? 

Who cares if it goes south and you run out of words? 

I’ve had countless conversations that ended in “I don’t know what to say.” But every time I say those six words, I see a spark in the person’s eye because, let’s face it, I don’t always know the answers, you don’t always know the answers- and that is okay.

Conversations changed my life and I’d bet they have changed yours. 

I realized how good the Lord is in a conversation.

I learned how to cool off during an anxiety attack through conversations.

I met Jesus in a conversation.

I decided to live because of conversations.

I learned that life can suck but it’s worth living for through conversations.

So why aren’t we talking?

I want to present you with an opportunity to start a conversation.

The final run of Warped Tour happens in a few short months. It’s crazy and let’s be honest, Warped Tour has gone down the drain the past few years, but the people haven’t.

There will be thousands of people attending these shows for the last time. 

I want to start a conversation that keeps going even after Warped Tour ends.

So I’m asking for your money. I won’t try and sugarcoat it. It takes money to do anything, but I would rather be without money and know that someone is having a conversation that ends in life.

So here’s the deal.

Heartsupport has the opportunity to start these conversations on the final Warped Tour. 

I’m raising $750 to help them.  I believe in conversation because it changed my life. 

Heartsupport is my family. 

I trust them. 

I partner with them and I hope you will too.

They have an online support wall that hundreds of people seek conversations on. I have the honor of leading a team, Pacific North Best, every Sunday for two hours as we reply to people on the wall. I learned that conversation is vital. I’ve read heartbreaking stories of abuse and longing for some sense of acceptance. 

We also have a success wall. I’ve read stories of people realizing their worth. I’ve read about sobriety. This is where I remember why I do this.

Here’s what your donation will do..

1. We’ll give away our new book interactive workbook on depression—named Dwarf Planet—for free at each date.

2. We’ll give away our book on overcoming self-harm, ReWrite, for free at each date. The book is currently backed by the best in the mental health industry and by Brian “Head” Welch of famed rock band, Korn.

3. Our founder, Jake Luhrs, will be on tour and will give away his new devotional for free at each date to help men and women overcome addiction and spiritual issues.

4. You’ll support new training programs in conjunction with some of the best musicians in the industry

5. Finally, you allow us to go reach men and women on the ground each day and offer healing. Without your support, we won’t be able to go.

People are worth more than I could ever say.

Will you join me and start the conversation?

Donate now through the link below:

https://warped-tour.funraise.org/fundraiser/sarah-johnson

[johnsonsm1]

21 Minutes with Apt. 4D

New Girl

If you don’t know, New Girl is my all time favorite show. I watch way too many episodes, quote it whatever chance I get, and have a crush on Nick Miller.

But honestly, this show means a lot to me. 

Apartment 4D is a crazy but beautiful picture of friendship and love. 

I’ve found that when I feel anxious and need to relax, I can put on New Girl and calm down.

I know if I need a laugh, I can turn to any episode and laugh like the first time I watched it. I know if I need to cry, I just have to watch the episode where Schmidt proposes to Cece. 

New Girl cheers me up on the worst days and makes the best days a little better. From True American to the Pepperwood Chronicles to cooking a turkey in the dryer to Chicago to New York, I’ve loved every minute of it. Honestly, I can’t think of an episode I didn’t enjoy. 

Tomorrow the final season premieres. It’s a sad day, but also exciting to watch new episodes and see where the characters end up.

With that, I want to say thank you.

Elizabeth Meriwether, thank you for creating such a quality show. You’re a genius. Your show has meant a lot to me during my anxiety and depression. A lot of times, New Girl was 21 minutes that I could enjoy life. It was a moment to forget about my thoughts and laugh. Thank you.

New Girl, you’re great.

P.S: Nick Miller (Jake Johnson), I love you.

Photo Source: https://www.fox.com/new-girl/article/about-the-show-597283c8e69b1f0025b01248/

[johnsonsm1]

Happy To Be Here

If I could do what I want I would become an electrician I'd climb inside my ears and I would rearrange the wires in my brain A different me would be inhabiting this body I’d have two cars, a garage, a job and I would go to church on Sunday

A diagram of faulty circuitry explains how I was made And now the engineer is listening as I voice all my complaints From an orchestra of shaking metal keeping me awake I was just wondering if there’s any way that you made a mistake

Because I miss you the way that I miss nicotine If it makes me feel better, how bad can it be? Well I heard there's a fix for everything Then why, then why, then why, then why not me?

The 1st of April saw the sickening repair Wore my best shirt to the clinic decorated with the laminate name No one is laughing from an audience of folding plastic chairs And I'm not fooled when you tell me that you're glad I came Am I just honest to admit or just a hypocrite? I know I should be being optimistic but I'm doubtful I can change Grit my teeth and try to act deserving When I know there is nowhere I can hide from your humiliating grace Cause if you swear that it's true then I have to believe What I hear evangelicals say on TV And if there's enough left after everyone else Then why, then why, then why, then why not me?

- Julien Baker, Happy To Be Here

This song.

I cried the first time I heard it (and the times after).

I was at work delivering sandwiches when her newest album, Turn Out The Lights, was released. I played the whole album through but was stuck on this one song.

The lyrics are honest, vulnerable, and true.

It was nice to not hear a song about revenge or forgetting the “haters” but rather embracing life and emotion for what it is.

I cried because I was, and sometimes still am, in the same place as these lyrics but could never put words to it. 

These were the words I needed. 

I put it on repeat and learned the words by the end of the day. The next day, I put this song on in the car and sang it to the Lord multiple times.

Each time I sang it, I felt a little more free to feel. 

Anxiety is crippling. 

Depression is forceful. 

PTSD is terrifying.

Yet, this song seems to break those for four minutes and sixteen seconds.

For four minutes and sixteen seconds I feel like someone understands what I’m going through.

For four minutes and sixteen seconds the thoughts that are so loud get quieter.

For four minutes and sixteen seconds I can see a way out.

My counselor encouraged me to make a playlist for when I feel my anxiety start up. 

Between Paramore, Joseph, Movements, Into It. Over It, and Cody Pearce, this song finds it way on that playlist four times. 

I saw Julien Baker live on my 21st birthday in Houston, TX. It was more than I could have ever asked for.

As she played this song, I stood, sardined between people that by the end of the show would be my friends, and thought about how I made it to year twenty-one.

I thought about how the anxiety didn’t stop me from turning twenty-one. The depression didn’t stop me from turning twenty-one. The PTSD didn’t stop me from turning twenty-one.

As I stood there and sang along with everyone, there was a beautiful realization that we had all made it this far.

So thank you Julien, I appreciate your musical talent and your lyrics.

Thank you for writing a song that gave words to feelings I struggled finding words for the past four years.

[johnsonsm1]

Why the Church Must Address Suicide

We, as the church, cannot neglect to address suicide.

It’s a hard and controversial topic within the church because, let’s face it, we don’t know what happens to those who commit suicide, and to be even more honest, we don’t like to not know or be wrong.

I urge you though to speak out about it.

Suicide is not a new idea, it’s in your Bible.

You have great men like Elijah who begged God to end his life.

Then he went on alone into the wilderness, traveling all day. He sat down under a solitary broom tree and prayed that he might die. “I have had enough, Lord,” he said. “Take my life, for I am no better than my ancestors who have already died.”

1 Kings 19:4 NLT

King Saul and his armor bearer commit suicide after losing a battle.

…But the armor bearer was too afraid and would not do it. So Saul took his own sword and fell on it. When his armor bearer realized that Saul was dead, he fell on his own sword and died beside the king.

1 Samuel 31:4(b) NLT

Most famously, Judas goes and hangs himself after he betrays Jesus.

Then Judas threw the silver coins down in the Temple and went out and hanged himself.

Matthew 27:5

We tend to just skim over this verse under our breath and continue to look at Jesus when maybe we’ve missed a huge point. Suicide happens and as the church we have neglected to address it.

So what now?

We have to speak up.

We have to say “Yes, suicide is an option, but look how much life you have left.”

If we could just acknowledge that is a problem, we will make strides towards preventing it.

It is not a lack of faith.

It is not because they’re crazy or whatever you want to say.

It happens. So talk about it.

Jesus cares about life.

What happened to “life and life abundantly?” Does that just not apply to people that contemplate suicide?

If we’re going to be pro-life we have to address suicide.

It’s hard to talk about, I know. But please talk.

Intercede for those who struggle with suicidal thoughts. Don’t stop there though, talk to them. Be their friend. Get to know them outside of those thoughts.

I urge you to be the one that speaks up.

We need you.

[johnsonsm1]

Since I Chose To Stay

It’s been about one year since I last attempted to commit suicide. 

Sunday, September 10, is World Suicide Prevention Day.

I usually share my story and life with mental illness, but this year I want to tell you about the life I’ve lived since I last set down the knife and decided to stay.

Since I chose to stay, I moved 2,284 miles from Nacogdoches, TX and joined a unique community of people in Seattle, WA.

Serve Seattle was a place where I found more than some really awesome internships, I found a family. A family that was willing to be vulnerable but stand up in the face of injustice.

While I lived in Seattle, I continued on my medication for anxiety, depression, and PTSD. My mental illness didn’t go away despite how much I wanted it to. Honestly, there were days where I didn’t know if I was going to shower much less get out of bed. But then there was Jenna, Amy, Stella, Alyssa, Erika, Becca, Skyler, JB, Cody and the list goes on. These people showed me grace in my weakest moments and called out the best in me when I couldn’t see past anxiety.

I lived in a community that valued people as they were.

Since I chose to stay, I convinced my friend to hike on the side of the road for two miles in a downpour just to hike a small portion of Poo Poo Point in Issaquah, WA. I was able to hike in Mt. Rainier National Park, a place I’d been wanting to hike for years. I experienced a gnarly wipe out on ice when hiking in shorts in the snow. I hiked Rattlesnake Ridge and canoed with friends in Lake Washington. I heard the Lord tell me to drink from a waterfall to be refreshed, and even though I looked like a complete fool, I did. We built fires at Golden Gardens in Seattle and watched the sunset over the mountains. I saw the Grand Canyon for the first time, hiked through the Garden of the Gods in Colorado, and drove through the Redwoods in Northern California. I played in the snow for the first time in years and had a little too much fun.

I fought mental battles of feeling like my legs were giving out, but I pushed through them and kept hiking. That in itself is a success.

Since I chose to stay, I was able to raise $1,000 in one week for HeartSupport’s Warped Tour Campaign. I got to work the HeartSupport booth at two Warped Tour Dates and hear stories of others choosing to stay. I was able to go backstage to watch one of my favorite bands, Movements. I got to attend South By So What with my sister and cheer on a good friend, Clover The Girl. I got to be front row seeing Four Year Strong. I had the opportunity to see Mayday Parade play the same show I attended ten years ago. I was able to sing along with Drew Holcomb and the Neighbors in the front row with my friend Heather. I got to celebrate Jenna’s birthday by seeing Colony House in concert. I had the opportunity to play my first solo show when opening for my friends, Brothers and Brides. I got too excited when my all time favorite band, Paramore, released their new album, After Laughter. 

I got to write new songs where I decided to be honest about my mental health. Now I get to record and release those songs in the future.

Since I chose to stay, I got to see three of my best friends get engaged. I got to attend two weddings, one where I fulfilled a life-long dream of being a DJ, the other where I was honored to sing a hymn in celebration with the bride and groom.

While my mind likes to tell me I’ll always be alone, I am at a place where I can celebrate my friends and know I will have my own relationship one day.

Since I chose to stay, I was able to take my first journey overseas to London and Ireland. I got to see Big Ben, Westminster Abbey, Buckingham Palace and other sights in London. I drank the best latte I’ve ever had at a coffee shop owned by New Zealanders. I got to experience Bangor, Northern Ireland, the place one of my best friends, Amy, grew up. I had a chippie, digestives, and a fry. I got to hike Giant’s Causeway and swim off the northern coast. I drank my first pint of Guinness and watched the sunset over the sea. I met Ellen, Sarah, and Paula, three of the coolest and most sincere people ever. I went to a club and came to the conclusion that a pub is more of my scene. I got a tattoo in Ireland to remind myself of that trip.

There were nights that my mind wanted to wander and flashbacks popped up, but after that trip, I realized how far I’ve come. I no longer need people all the time, I can calm myself before anxiety takes over.

Since I chose to stay, I enrolled in college again.

Since I chose to stay, I get to see my niece turn four.

Since I chose to stay, I saw my sister graduate college.

Since I chose to stay, I can see Paramore in concert on September 30.

Since I chose to stay, I get to try and get accepted in to Park Ranger Academy.

Since I chose to stay, I can watch movies and binge Parenthood with my mom.

Since I chose to stay, I take five pills a day and attend therapy.

Since I chose to stay, I ask questions and advocate for people who don’t want to stay.

Since I chose to stay, I can live.

[johnsonsm1]

Thank You.

In April 2017 I set out to raise $1,000 to help get Heartsupport on Van’s Warped Tour. I had one week to raise that money. I thought it was impossible honestly. 

But we did it.

In one week we raised $1,000.

Why? 

Because the message of hope resounds far beyond money ever could.

Through the fundraising process, I found that when you become vulnerable and share your story, mental illness becomes more than an idea. Depression, anxiety, and PTSD become a reality when you put a face to them.

I was able to join Heastsupport and work the booth at the Dallas and Houston Warped Tour dates. 

For those who don’t know, Warped Tour is a multi-city, cross country, music tour full of hardcore, pop-punk, ska, and other genres of bands. Along with merch booths, there are various non-profits. Heartsupport is one of the many that set up a booth and sell merch.

With Heartsupport though, the booth is not about the merch. While the merch may draw people in, the Heartsupport booth is about people. 

With every person we meet we ask a simple question, “Have you ever heard of Heartsupport?”

That simple question can open up a whole conversation and lead to their story.

In Houston we held up a cardboard sign that read “SIGN UP TO END SELF-HARM IN HOUSTON.”

Because of that sign, I met a girl who had a cousin and two friends who had taken their life two moths earlier. She proceeded to tell me she had just gone through a bad break-up and was considering taking her life when all of that happened.

There are no good words to say in that moment.

So we hugged and cried together. 

“I’m so glad you’re here.” 

That’s all I could say and that was enough.

That sign led to another conversation.

A girl approached me and asked how to sign up to end self-harm. While she was signing up I asked the question. I mentioned how Heartsupport just released a book on self-harm recovery. She proceeded to tell me she was two months clean of self-harm!

We hugged and rejoiced together.

“I’m so proud of you. I believe in you.”

That’s all I could say and that was enough.

Those are only two stories out of the thousands Heartsupport has heard.

I am so thankful for a group that believes in people. 

A group that understands people are valuable. 

Thank you to everyone who donated and made this happen.

Heartsupport is a non-profit and has recently had to take a pay cut to their full-time staff. I personally donate monthly and would love for you to join me.

You can donate monthly or once by visiting, heartsupport.com/donate/.

If you would like more information on Heartsupport, visit heartsupport.com/

[johnsonsm1]

Anxiety is the Grand Canyon

As I stood out on the South Rim of the Grand Canyon, my brain saw a painting. I couldn’t believe that what stood before me was actually real. It expanded far beyond what I could see and was too large to fit in my direct line of sight.

It couldn’t be real.

But it was real.

Anxiety feels a lot like that.

Anxiety makes life seem like a painting. It takes simple situations and expands them far beyond what I can see and stretches too wide and out of my line of sight.

How did my brain take a simple text and create an extravagant and complex scenario where I have failed everyone?

It seems unreal.

You can’t see anxiety, and to most people, it seems like a joke or an excuse to stay home.

But to me, it is real.

Anxiety makes me fearful of the future. It makes me want to cry when thinking about seeing someone I haven’t seen in a while. It sometimes cripples me when I think about hanging out with people.

Though I don’t understand it, it is my reality.

[johnsonsm1]

A Tribute to 1808

On September 18, 2016, I traveled 2,283 miles to live with a group of strangers and serve the city of Seattle alongside them. I could have never imagined the impact that move would make. 

Serve Seattle is an urban missions program for young adults. In short, we love people with everything we have.

See that picture? Those are a few world changers. Not because they have an overload of money because, let’s face it, we’re all broke. Not because they’re famous or have a high ranking position in a business or the government. Not because they’re all geniuses. 

They are all changing the world because they understand that people deserve to be fully known and fully loved.

When I walked into 1808 18th Avenue, I didn’t know what was going to happen. I honestly thought I’d be with a group of people that were super Christians and had everything figured out. 

Then I heard their stories.

Stories of mental illness, rejection, death, addiction, eating disorders, and broken families. 

At the same time though, I heard stories of hope, love, adoption, healing, life, acceptance, and joy. 

See, in the midst of every single person’s hopelessness, there was Jesus. In the midst of brokenness, there was a relationship that reminded them of their worth. 

Because of that, these people understand how to serve. They understand that over everything, relationships are the most important. 

We built relationships with the people we served and it was no longer us and them but rather it was just us. They became our friends, and when your friend needs you, you help them.

We also built relationships with each other. These people are some of my best friends. 

We walked though hell together. We saw each other at our best and our worst. We prayed together. We cried together. We went on adventures together. 

We did life together.

1808 is more than a house number. 

1808 represents a group made up of strangers that turned into a family.

[johnsonsm1]

The House That Holds Me

Depression itself isn’t a lie. It is the most real thing I’ve ever experienced.

- Matt Haig, Reasons to Stay Alive

I feel like I am a hostage to these labels.

Major Depressive Disorder

Anxiety Disorder

Chronic Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

I have endless amounts of paperwork stating that this is my life, this is who I am.

I am a hostage in a house where these disorders hold me. 

The thing is, they will let me leave.

I know them all too well. They have taken me before, and I know what they will do. I know how far they will go. It feels safe here though.

It’s been four years since this all started. Well, since it was written down. 

Suicidal thoughts have a vacation house in my mind that they occasionally come and stay at. 

Nightmares rent out a space that I am rarely brave enough to kick them out of.

Tears aren’t enough to make them stop. Overdosing on anxiety medication won’t make them stop. 

I have to walk out of the house they hold me hostage at.

There is no way I am brave enough to walk out on my own though. That is the beautiful thing about Jesus. He’s in that house with me, and he’ll wait until I am ready. 

He stands at the door, extending his hand. His hand is made of particles of a scandalous grace, a jealous love, an eternal hope, and an intimate journey.

I look at the disorders sitting around the table, holding papers with my name, birthday, social security number, and story. They don’t try to hold me back, because it is my choice, but they remind what society says. 

“You’re stable enough to not be inpatient but you need to be in our outpatient program.”

“I only want to take free people on this trip.”

“You’re just too weak. Just get over it.”

But then there’s Jesus. 

He holds a note from his Father, a note of freedom, a note that demands attention.

“I made you wonderfully complex. I designed you. I appointed you. I want you.”

It’s my call. 

My heart leaps towards Jesus, but my feet are rooted in this old house that holds me hostage.

So I dig. 

I uproot my feet and hold onto Jesus. 

I know they will find me tomorrow, but I know he will be at the door once again.