There’s a game I like to play where I take an obnoxious habit, social norm, common courtesy, or random behavioral tick and ask myself “would the President of the United States do this?”
You can play the President Game with any starting question, just pick something that bugs you:
Would the President use the last of the toilet paper and not replace the roll?
Would the President reach their hand over the sneeze guard to point at the ingredients at Subway?
Would the President make a pregnant lady stand on a crowded bus?
Would the President put an empty milk carton back in the fridge?
Would the President load the dishwasher with all the cups rightside up so they fill with water and don’t get cleaned?
For the purposes of the game we assume that all the presidents know about the social norms and would react according to their upbringing; there’s no such thing as Subway in the 1830s, but a sixty-something conservative Tennessean like Andrew Jackson would probably reach over the guard with his unwashed hands and point at what kind of toppings he wants. Also, no president would ever ride on a public bus, so assume they're a civilian and judge them based on their personalities rather than their prestige.
It’s not a partisan thing either. There are assholes on both sides of the aisle, it all just stems from their personalities. How much do they know? How much do they care? About others? About themselves? You have to get into the minds of the presidents, you gotta get meta; the faces they put on in public are seldom representative of who they really are, so you have to delve deep and figure out who they are as a person before you answer.
Example: Would the President put their mouth on a water fountain?
Would George Washington put his mouth on a water fountain? No, probably not, because he was a very reserved statesmen of high social standing, well aware of how he is perceived by others. He would never commit that faux pas because he wouldn’t want other people to think less of him. His teeth are terrible, his breath really stinks, and he's self conscious about it.
Would Abraham Lincoln? No, for similar reasons to Washington.
Would Teddy Roosevelt? Yes. He’s President Ron Swanson, he doesn’t give a damn what you think. If he’s thirsty, then the man’s gonna take a drink and no unspoken social rules are gonna get in his way. He’s not doing it to be an asshole, he just figures that it’s no big deal; a little germ theory never hurt nobody. Not nobody, not no how!
Franklin Roosevelt? Probably not. He’s much more reserved than his fifth cousin (yes, that’s how they’re related), he’s a New York socialite with polio; he managed to keep his wheelchair a secret, so he’d definitely make sure nobody ever saw him so much as look at a water fountain, let alone put his mouth on one.
Lyndon B. Johnson? Yes. Hard Yes. He’s a southern hick, he drinks too much and eats like crap. This is the guy who burps through sentences and talks about his nuts and bunghole, he’d totally put his mouth on the water fountain without even thinking about it. That's just how they do things in Texas.
Richard Nixon? In public no, but in private yes; he’d be paranoid about people seeing him do it, but that wouldn't stop him. He’d deny doing it at first, but after he got caught he’d try to turn things around and say you're the weird one for making a big deal out of it. “Yeah, I did it, so what? What are you gonna do about it? It's not illegal. It's my fountain, I can do whatever I want with it.”
Jimmy Carter? No. He might have when he was younger, but his mama done raised him right, she put the Fear of God in that boy.
Ronald Reagan? No, he’s all about image, he’s an actor playing the president, he knows how to keep up public appearances.
Bill Clinton? Yes. He’s Bubba, he’s Slick Willy, he’s a 10-pound douche in a 5-pound bag. He sleeps around, he cheats on his wife, he eats and drinks and acts like a cartoon, he’d absolutely put his mouth on the fountain and if he got caught he’d probably make a joke about it.
George W. Bush? Yes. He’s less like Reagan in this instance, and more like Johnson and Clinton. He’s a Good Ole Boy. He probably thinks truck nuts are hilarious. His front yard would have three flagpoles for the United States, Texas, and the Confederacy, in that order. He’d put his mouth on the water fountain, and he’d make weird slurping noises while doing it; he’s off in his own little world, living proof that ignorance is bliss.
Barack Obama? No, because he knows that’s gross. Next question.
Donald Trump? Oh, he doesn’t just put his mouth on it, he’s deep throating the spigot on purpose because somebody told him not to. Do you remember when COVID started and that one basketball player ended a press conference by touching all the microphones? Trump’s the same way. He doesn’t think it’s a problem, but he knows that everyone else does, so he feels compelled to do it just to get a reaction, then deny doing it to piss off the people who caught him while continuing to do it for his supporters. He can’t not do it if he knows it’s wrong, he needs to be the center of attention at all times. There’s no such thing as bad publicity.
Joe Biden? No, but he would make a big deal out of it, letting everyone around him know he didn’t do it, as if he deserves a prize. Like, yeah Joe, you’re not Trump, but you don’t get recognition for doing what everyone expects you to do anyway. The bar is so low, that even something this mundane seems like an achievement. What, do you want us to clap when you wash your hands too? For the love of God, focus on the important issues, Joe.
Now that you know the rules, you can play the President Game at home!
Would the President forget to hold the door open for the people behind them?
Would the President answer their cellphone during a movie?
Would the President chew with their mouths open?
Would the President refuse to pick up after their dog?
Would the President double park their car?
Would the President eat somebody else’s food from the break room fridge?
Would the President fart in an elevator?
Would the President take the last slice of pizza without asking if anyone else wanted it?
Would the President stare at a disabled person?
Would the President fill a water cup with soda?
Would the President sneeze without covering their mouths?
Would the President press an elevator button that you’ve already pressed?
Would the President litter?
Would the President throw a lit cigarette out their car windows?
Would the President return a tape to Blockbuster without rewinding it?