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i don’t know how to grieve.

i don’t want to be missing anyone knowing their heart is still beating on the other end of the phone. what is loss if you’re still out there? i find that as of late the only cries my body knows is when i’m crying out for you like a child lost in the store. i don’t think i’ve ever even cried for my own mother this way. i’ve never been one to sit in the shower and now all i know is sobbing to the point of nausea begging a god i don’t believe in to let me try again.

i don’t know which feelings to trust-which memories to trust. i know that i go through these cycles of wanting to live in the past to wanting to move forward in a whole new way.. but at the same time -

i feel like i’m drowning every single day and the only one with a rope to pull me out of the water is you.

im trying so hard to put reason hand in hand with my feelings but it feels like a betrayal to my entire being. emotions aren’t supposed to be something i hyper analyze and reason with .. i just feel them. that’s all i’ve ever known. it’s what you loved me for - at least i think it is.

if not you, who’s going to know me?

if not you, who’s going to hold the child in my heart?

if not you, who’s arms will i rest in?

if not you, who’s lips will i kiss at the alter?

the thought of never seeing you again kills me. i can’t fathom never hearing you say my name again, of never kissing you again, of never hugging you again, of never feeling your hands again… it all feels like a knife thrust deep into my heart over and over again. i feel like i’m performing one of those street acts where they swallow a sword except i feel it ripping apart my insides and all i can do is keep performing. i don’t want to never hear from you again. i don’t want to never see you again. i don’t want this story to end. i want to lay in bed together again. i want to listen to your heartbeat again. i want to watch a movie with you. i want to eat yummy food together.i don’t know how or when but i want it to be you -i need it to be you. i want to watch you grow. i want to love with you again. i don’t know if i should be feeling this way. i don’t know if it’s okay. it probably isn’t. i know it’s too little, too late but i don’t want the movie to be over

i want to finish the soundtrack.

#girlblogging #breakup #x100pre