To My Past Selves (3/26/15, 1:54AM)
A/N: To me, from me. Also to you, if you so please. I didn’t proof read these. Sorry ‘bout it. 3 years. Fuck.
To my 19 year old self: Today will hurt. Today always hurts. From the roots of your hair, to the tips of your toes, to the corners of your soul… today will hurt. Let it hurt. Let the wind in the trees at the cemetery brush across your skin and remember your mom’s hands — Doctor’s hands, strong and steady — checking you over each and every time you fell down. Let the wind push your body the way your mom pushed you to try new things, even though it terrified her. You were, are, and always will be her proudest moments and most prized possession. Let the sun warm you and remember each time her body was next to yours; a provider of security and a presence to keep you anchored. (Don’t remember the last time your body touched hers… in the hospice room as you held her close and kissed her and cradled her and cried infinite apologies followed by even more I love you’s to ears that could no longer hear them.) She is the wind, and she is the sun. She is everywhere. She is in everything. She is in you.
To my 18 year old self: So college, huh? It is good, but it is so wrong. Your RA seems nice, but your mom wasn’t there to help move you into your dorm. You’re making friends, but they’ll never meet her. (How can they truly know you if they never know her?) You get into something called FCLA, but you can’t tell your mom and hear her say that she /so/ proud of you. (You tell Donna and Coyner, and they love you, and you love them, and they’re beaming with pride, and it’s almost enough. Almost.) You’re starting to tell the difference between fast friends, and lasting friends, but every time someone asks about your family you feel like maybe you’d rather have shallow relationships with these new people. (You’ll get past it. Kind of. Not really. You’ll TRY.) You’ll apply for a mentoring program called NHRI and angrily cross out ‘Parent’ on the form handed to you before your interview, instead writing ‘Guardian’ in its place. (You love Donna and Coyner, but they’re not your mom. It’s insensitive and non-inclusive language, anyways. You’re not bitter.) You’ll do fine for your freshman year — GREAT by some people’s measures — but it won’t feel like it’s worth anything. It is. Your education is worth everything. Your mom didn’t try her hardest to hold on until your high school graduation for nothing. (She missed it by 14 months.)
To my 17 year old self: This is your first full year of life without your mom. You cry every single day. Sometimes silent tears, sometimes sobs that are ripped from your chest so forcefully they feel stolen. To be fair, you’ve always been a crier, but it’s a much different experience when it happens without the woman who held you each time, and felt your hurt as deeply as you did. You graduate high school and you don’t cry when they call your name, or when your family takes turns hugging you, and you think you might get through a day - THIS MONUMENTAL DAY, OF ALL DAYS — without crying. But then you drive yourself home, and “That’s The Way It Is” is playing on 104.5. You remember years and year’s worth of car rides singing along to Celine Dion, harmonizing with your favorite person in the whole world. Maybe part of you feels like your mom is there with you, but more of you feels empty and alone, and that’s what triggers an unbelievable yet inevitable onslaught of tears. The subsequent blurred vision almost causes you to crash your car. (You hurt so much that a part of you wishes you /did/ crash.)
To my 16 year old self: This is the worst year of your life. It still hurts too much to write about.
To my 15 year old self: You’re a sophomore in high school and you find nothing embarassing about the fact that you tuck your mom into bed every night — kissing her forehead, saying goodnight, and reminding her that you love her more than anyone or anything else. Your 19-year-old self is so proud of you for that. Since mom passed away, 19-year-old you has started a tradition of kissing her necklace and whispering those same sentiments into the dark each night before bed, but there is no one to say it back. She usually cries at this point.
To my 14 year old self: Your mom tells you she might be sick as she drops you off at school. Don’t blame her. She knows you better than you know yourself, and this was the right way for her to bring it up. This is the beginning of the end. How could you have known?
To my 13 year old self: Welcome to your teenage years. Everyone keeps telling you that this will be a crazy time in your life. They also say that you’ll be dramatic and moody, and get so fed up with your mom that you’ll ‘just wanna kill her!’ (You’ll probably shout something to this effect before slamming a door or two. But a couple hours later you will poke your head into her room, apologize, and crawl into bed with her. The joke’s on you. Cancer will kill her instead.)
To my 12 year old self: During your prolonged stay in London, there will be a period where your mom will leave you with your aunts, uncle, and cousins, in order to attend to some things in Omaha. You miss her so much that you can barely eat. When she gets back, and you finally get to hug her again, you thank your lucky stars that you have so much time left with her. If only.
To my 11 year old self: You graduate from elementary school and your mom is glowing. She says she is even more excited to see you graduate high school and college, and you are, too, because you’re pretty sure you could live off of the love and pride shining in her eyes as you show her your diploma. She won’t make it to your high school graudation, and you’ll hardly make it through the day.
To my 10 year old self: Your 5th grade teacher stupidly doesn’t recommend you for 6th grade Pre-Algebra. Your mom calls the Superintendent of the school district and gets your name on the list for the placement test. You pass with flying colors. You recognize that your mom will fight for you. Soon you will have to fight for yourself. It’s not fair, and it’s scary, but you have the best possible teacher.
To my 9 year old self: You and your mom move out of your dream house. You don’t have the money for it anymore. The world is cruel and no one wants to hire an Afghan Muslim in post-9/11 America, especially in Nebraska. She didn’t explain this to you back when she first stopped working at the Med Center, but she explains it now. This marks the beginning of your awareness of, and battle with, racism and islamophobia. Your 19-year-old self is sorry to inform you that she continutes to fight this battle every single day.
To my 8 year old self: You have a solo in the school’s music program. Your mom has a work conference in Las Vegas. But somehow, when the concert is over, there is your mom. She left the convention early, caught a flight home, and snuck into the gym just in time for your song. You cry happy tears because you understand that she will do anything for you. That never changes, even when everything else does.
To my 7 year old self: Your mom gets frustrated calls from your 2nd grade teacher, Mrs. Streff, every day for the first two weeks of school. “Leemah is disruptive in class, and it’s distracting to her peers.” Your mom doesn’t yell or punish you. She says the teacher will have to figure you out eventually, and offers a knowing smile that reminds you that your mom has had you figured out since the day you were born. A few days later, Mrs. Streff calls your mom down for an after school meeting. You think for sure you’re in trouble this time, but instead, your teacher apologizes to your mom. She says something about how she should have realized you were only acting out because you were bored after finishing the material so much faster than everyone else. Your mom winks and you and says, “That’s my girl.” It is the best title you will ever have.
To my 6 year old self: One day in the first grade, Mr. Moore turns on the TV. You can’t process the images at this age, but you can tell it’s a plane hitting a building. Mr. Moore has sons in New York City, and it’s the first time you see a man cry. The whole thing sets you on edge. When your mom picks you up from Club 66 that night, she holds you a little closer, and lays with you a little longer before bed. You don’t know why, but you aren’t complaining. You are never safer than when you are in her arms.
To my 5 year old self: You’ve been in daycare most of your life, so kindergarten isn’t a huge change in routine for you. You love learning new things in school, but you love when your mom comes to get you even more. You get a doctor’s set for your birthday, and you scream with glee in the middle of Chuck E. Cheese. You want to be a doctor, so that you can be just like your momma.
To my 4 year old self: On October 17, 1999, you write out the alphabet for the first time all by yourself. Your mom saves the paper, adds a note about how proud she is, and puts it in a binder that she will eventually stuff full of your accomplishments. You find this note late one night after she’s died, and you cry more than you thought was possible. She is so proud of you.
To my 3 year old self: Experts say we don’t have memories from our lives at 3 years of age. They’re probably right. All the same, I know you are the most adored and cared for little girl from any time or any place. I’m sure your mom makes sure you know it, too.
To my 2 year old self: Your mom leaves your abusive and alcoholic father to ensure you have a safe, healthy, and happy life. It’s just the two of you, and it’s more than enough. She is the best Dad anyone could hope for.
To my 1 year old self: You are the luckiest person in the whole world. You think your mom is the best one out there. You are correct.
To me, on the day I was born: Leemah Nasrati; 6 lbs. 8 oz.; 21 in. long. Born to doting mother Sania Wali on July 20, 1995 at 1:50 AM on the fourth floor of Clarkson Hospital in Omaha, Nebraska. You are on day one of 6,094 with your mother. She will fill each moment with enough happiness to last long after she is gone. You will need it. She will be taken from you far too soon. But welcome to the world, baby me. You are so loved.
To my mom, today and every day: I miss you. I wish you were here more than anything in the entire world. Thank you for everything. I am so unbelievably proud to be your daughter. I love you.
