#xdy.text

[xdy]

To be loved for who you are Not by the amount of money you make Not by the service you provide Not even by the feelings you make others feel But just by merely existing Through the experience you endured Through your unique mind Through your thoughtful courage Through your nurturing patience May you recognize the light you bring to this world To be a part of someone's life in any shape or form You may not know but your existence probably kept someone alive Inspiring them to carry on with love

[xdy]

I miss a sense of community

2020. The world was rocked by COVID-19. My life right before then was an unmitigated disaster personally. Relationships were toxic, and bad decisions were made. The company I worked for had to find ways for us to work from home so we couldn't spread the virus. Luckily, I didn't contract it. After a while, our team thrived in the work-from-home setup and occasionally went to the office to shoot campaigns revolving around health safety. At this point, I was already fed up with the negativity of the people around me, myself included.

2022. I have been with the company for 5 years and I was a beacon of light, a source of inspiration and laughter. The life of the party. That's just who I am. As an extrovert, a people pleaser, and a peacekeeper. I was fed up with the petty fights. The adamant fawning. "Plastikan". And my salary isn't going up as I thought it was supposed to. I worked so hard and did so many innovations. Always going the extra mile. Always thinking outside of the box. But the recognition is not enough. The team culture is still toxic. I can't keep up the mask anymore.

So I left.

I was bitter. I needed a change so badly. At this point, I have been convinced that I can work in the comfort of my own home. So there must be jobs out there that have less toxic people, can work from home, and have a higher salary. My self-diagnosed depression had been going on for years. Even after I got the perfect job that fit my preference at the time. I'm still doing it and I'm very grateful for it.

Now I feel alone.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not 100% alone. I have a good support system. She was the true light that guided me out of the darkness. Along with our cats. They are truly my saviors. In 2024, she convinced me to go to the gym and right then I turned a 180 on my life for the better.

I still feel lonely now but I have come a long way. I got rid of bad habits and replaced them with good ones. I repaired some of my relationships and left some of them.

Ever since I left the previous company, I never exercised my extroversion. I miss having a lot of people around and feeding off their energy.

That could be the cost of being selfish. These are the consequences of my actions and decisions. I never have been the one to reach out. I was forced to do it because of work duties but personally, I didn't actively do it. It costs to be out of touch. Aside from my best friends, who are miles away, I have no sense of community to practice on. I feel that I have no purpose.

I hope I find it soon.

[xdy]

You've become so cold Angry at the little things you used to ignore Yelling or telling me no more I thought the warmth I bring will thaw your irritated facade But when you look at me All you see is flawed I've forgiven you many times from the sins you intentionally commited To make me change my mind You don't know the depth of my commitment We built this home Thought we would settle in it It became a laboratory of silence and resentment An alchemy that nature didn't intend A relationship that was bound to end

[xdy]

If my dna breeds suffering My ego is an offering I’m coming down from this hill Tumbling like Jill Still clutching the good times and remnants of how I used to know myself Born on the run Wavered by whatever’s fun Swept under the rug Parts of myself I didn’t face Slowly knowing what true beauty is like It’s in the slow moments in life Staring at the clouds The scent of rain A clean home A peaceful mind

[xdy]

Being a subject of yearning Your favorite fruit The one you're attracting Doesn't have a root planted Reached you so fast Thought that they planned it carefully Keeping the chase going Thoroughly Wanted to be fawned over Attention is sweet like a soft marshmallow Sooner or later, you'll discover That all of these acts are shallow Because the depth you attract is directly related to the substance you show

[xdy]

Your eyes speak a familiar language

Every twitch

Every stare

Your speech contains hesitations

That are oddly familiar

It is the language of the broken

The silenced, the unspoken

Your favorite time to do laundry

is during heavy rain

You keep on doing normal stuff

even when you're in pain

Grief strikes at random

A wretched curse

Why does the pain last longer

When pleasure comes first?

[xdy]

Find yourself the one who will also love the imperfections you so try hard to hide The one who can remember important things that slipped your mind Find yourself the one who reminds you your life is worth living who smiles when you do That even though situations aren't ideal They will keep staying and hold space Because you matter Find yourself You're the one who needs to love you more than anyone

[xdy]

Shipwreck

In this chapter of redefining love, the answer will not come from the heavens above, but from the depths where you held the anchor— too long to even remember.

You’ve let go, now floating back to the surface. The currents and your reluctance shift the hollow corpses, bones you once leaned on, long neglected.

Worry not. You’re here. A black-and-blue graveyard where dreams disappeared. Grieve the space between your broken bones. Then kill the performative clones, scratch the scar of your fears, and wipe those useless tears.

You’ve been cleansed by the lesson; now, surrender to the blessing.