#xjaebeom

[sxndxrx]

Dear Jaebeom,

I can't kid myself. You & I had something I don't think I'll be able to find ever again, at least not as simply. You were so easy to love. I was hooked the first time I came to say hello, cheesey as it may sound. It was the best initiative I've taken yet. Regardless of the outcome, I wouldn't trade any moment that you allowed me to love you for the world. You changed my world. You told me not to be afraid of change, and Jay, you were my change, silly. Granted, I was afraid, but you taught me that people do silly things sometimes but it's the heart that matters. Thank you for taking a chance on me. I'm sorry I didn't come through for you. I know you really had to love me to put your heart on the line like that, to give me a chance to show you that you were it for me. But somehow I guess I failed to be it for you. I don't regret any time or effort I spent on you, you were worth it all. Just another thing I loved about you was how hard you were on yourself when it came to romancing me. Oh, Jay, you were wonderful. Terribly wonderful, I'm spoiled rotten now. I hope you know that you were a wonderful boyfriend and to this day I walk around my apartment unable to properly get over you because I have a vase filled with flowers from you in at least every room, sometimes two. Commitment may not have been your thing, but you left your comfort zone for me even if it was for a shortwhile and let me try to be that comfort zone. Thank you so much for letting me love you, and for loving me. You'll be the one I think about when I hear those silly love song. You've taught me so much about love. I used to have this unreachable standard and I wouldn't settle for anything less than the most ultimate perfect prince. But then you stumbled into my life and slapped me awake with your stupid smile and wit and showed me that true love isn't finding the perfect person, but finding perfection in loving everything about someone, even the bad. You taught me that and let me experience it, let me put it into practice, and indulge in the bliss that comes with it. There is something magical about unconditional love and you helped me experience that magic. I don't know how I could ever thank you enough. I can't hold you back anymore. The open relationship thing we tried, I could have done it, but isn't it kind of sick to think that I loved you so much that you could have blatently fucked the brains out of every girl who looked your way, came back to tell me that you loved me, and I would forgive you? I was sickly in love. My love had no conditions. I was in it for the long run. That was never your thing. I don't know why I didn't see it before. Well, I guess I do. Love blinded me. Making you stay broke so many of your rules, made you do things that were completely out of your character. I never wanted that. I just wanted to love you freely, and making you stay with me was anything but accomplishing that. I'm sorry if I came off like I was trying to change you. That was never my intention. I want to love you, all of you, even if that means from afar, through my memories. It makes me sad to think that you have so little faith in my love. I don't question your love. We had it. It was oh-so-real and magical. I never fell out of it, and I don't think I ever will. Real love is longsuffering and not situational. You taught me that. You can walk away thinking what you need to about me in order to make leaving easier for you. Tell everyone that I was crazy, but the only mistake I made was loving you too hard. I never questioned whether or not my love for you was true, but only feared that your love for me was temporary. In the end, I could never deny our connection. No one can. What we had was so special. But this isn't you. So, I'll let you go. Be free, completely free. You have no obligation to think of me anymore. I love you, Park Jaebeom, to the moon and back again. I always will. You've ruined me and made me all at once. I'll never forget you. Even if you have to leave, you'll live on in my heart forever. If I ever feel lonely, I'll find a beach in Finick and wait for you there. You promised me that vacation. I haven't forgotten. Thank you for everything, my prince. You gave me everything I needed and more. Before you, even with a boy in my life, I took care of myself. You showered me with affection, left me little surprises, cooked for me, took me out and protected me... and now I have to go back? Aigo, you've spoiled me. Where am I going to find someone who does that for me again? You're special. So, I supposed this is goodbye. I prayed that this day never came. In my haste to prevent it, I guess I just hurried it along. I hate myself for that. If I had it my way, I'd suffer through all of this, the other women, the long gaps of not being with you, all of it if it meant I still held your heart. But life isn't my fairytale. I'm not a perfect princess and I never will be. My prince isn't just an image, but a person. A girl can dream, can't she? I think we both know that I'll always be a dreamer. You were my new dream. You were my fairytale. Not all fairytales have happy endings. You were still my love story. Now that this is coming to an end I guess thats the only fun part: finding a new dream. If I had to dedicate a song to you, it'd be Bommie's You & I. Maybe not in this life or moment, but in another time, you & I prevail. I have this lovely feeling inside (call me optimistic) that tells me that if we ever cross paths again, I'll love you with the same intensity I did when you were mine. Our love won't die. We just know where we stand now. That Was an issue if ours throughout all of this, wasn't it? Now, we are coming to terms with the fact that we found love, but in the middle of a storm just waiting to happen. But despite everything, I don't think it's in my capabilities to ever let you go. That's something you'll just have to be okay with. There will always be that little slither of hope that you'll come back to me. I'm a hopeless romantic, remember? I'm sorry for everything I put you through. This is pretty straight forward. Don't have much else to put here. I'm just so sorry but I am sick of apologizing because it won't fix anything, so I won't anymore. As sorry as I am, I don't regret our time together. Part of me wants you to forget, because it would make things easier for us, but I'm selfish. I want you to remember me. I know I'll remember you. I want you to feel your heart race when something reminds you of me. I want you to smile when you watch a Disney movie. I want you to laugh when eat strawberry icecream. I want you to roll your eyes at fairytales. I want you to miss me. As much as it'll hurt your pride, I want you to miss me as much as I'll miss you. Forever your princess, Dara

[sxndxrx]

How I managed to muster up the courage to drag myself to his doorstep in this state, I’m not exactly sure. I think I had some sick rush of adrenaline, behind the intense feeling of loss, but I was anxious.

The grotesquely optimistic side of me had this sick idea that something good would come out of all this mess I've made, and I ran with it.

{Conflict resolution; I'm trying something new. Don't mind my formatting, I wanted to try portraying her thoughts from first person, and I had some type of inspiration from JP's CK shoot.}

—-

Something was wrong. Maybe it was me feeling upset about having to go to my OBGYN alone with him knowing for the first time. Maybe it was because all of the other mothers were with their respective husband’s. Or maybe because something inside me hurt like hell, physically and emotionally.

"Sandara, my dear. How are you today?"

My eyes rose to meet the soft blue of my doctor’s. I was greeted with a bright smile, to which I unconsciously winced, my hand on my stomach. My insides tumbled. The doctor reacted immediately, replacing my hands with his, his expression twisted with concern.

"The nurse told me you were ill last week?"

I nodded. “I thought it was normal. It was only a few days, but then my stomach started to give me chronic pain.”

"Ah," he sighed, "Dara, you are smarter than that. It isn’t just you anymore you’re taking care of. You should have scheduled this emergency appointment early on."

I felt a heavy lump in my throat as I swallowed dryly. I could only nod and choke down a sob. My eyes stung with tears, half from pain and half from emotion. I opened my mouth only to gasp as his hands pressed uncomfortably at my lower stomach. Through my tears, I could see his face drop.

"Have you been bleeding?"

"Spotting. I thought that was normal, too?"

He didn’t reply. “Dara, we need to do an ultrasound.”

My eyes widened and I shuddered. I was hoping by the time it got to that point I’d get Jay to come with me, to see our baby. Then again, there wasn’t any guarantee for that either. “This early? Why?”

—-

I knocked and reached out a shakey hand to press at the doorbell. It buzzed and I could hear my pulse in my ears, my heart beating painfully loudly in my chest. I ached all over. I could hardly see straight, breathe, much less stand without emotion knocking the strength from my knees. I wobbled in place, reaching a hand out to grab onto the wall for support. Bracing myself for rejection, humilation, and the strong chance of being looked down on and hated, I waited helplessly at the door.

I was pathetic. But what did I have to lose anymore? Nothing. I’d already lost it all. I just needed to get back what I could while I could.

—-

"I’m not finding any of the vitals."

"She’s further along than we had intially thought."

"She’s too early in. We can’t save them!"

It was all a blur. One minute I’m being lathered with goo over my abdomen and the next they’re slicing into me. I don’t remember much besides screaming and the pain and crying. I don’t think I’ve ever been more afraid in my life time, and quite frankly, I don’t think I ever will be. Nothing will every compare to what happened that day to me, to my baby.

I just remember begging them to save my baby, to let me die and save my baby. This was all my fault, not my baby’s. They were innocent. I already loved them more than my own life. They very well could be what I come out with from my first true love, and the value in that is priceless. This was all my fault. The pain I felt was due punishment for my trangressions. Only god could judge me now. But my baby, they were innocent.

—-

I reached out a shakey hand toward the doorbell and buzzed for attention. I prepared myself for the worst: rejection, humiliation, and resentment. Part of me wanted to run and leave him in the dark, but this wasn’t something I could hide or put off. He deserved to know, even if he didn’t care, he should know.

As the door swung open, I paled even more than I already had, dizzy from the blood draining from my face. I swallowed dryly, holding in any reaction of discomfort besides reaching out for support from the wall, I found myself more numb and had to try not to roll my eyes at my own stupidity. I should have known.

Jay wasn’t the one to open the door. A girl in his bathrobe stood in the doorway. I bit back a grimace and peered past her to see his silhouette in the shadows behind her. I didn’t have time to feel self conscious from the size up they both gave me, it wasn’t anything new to me, being judged for any of this, all of this. I was beginning to feel numb towards it. Besides, he hadn’t been mine to claim in a long while. He didn’t do commitments. I knew this well. The girl didn’t bother me as much as it probably should have. I didn’t judge him. I’m no hypocrite.

"Jay, you uh, have a visitor."

It was the look in his eyes when he stepped out into the light that did bother me. I felt small. I was small. I was nearly trembling, I hadn’t brushed my hair, and I was exhausted. For a moment I saw it, the concern, the curiosity flash in his eyes, and I knew he loved me. That was something I could never deny him when he told me he did. But with a sigh, the look disappeared and his brow furrowed, his face hiding in the girls hair as he peeked at me when he placed a kiss on the girl’s neck and his hands on her hips, causing her to giggle. I didn’t flinch, but I could feel my heart sinking.

"Why don’t you wait for me inside?" I heard him whisper faintly, to which she obeyed, not without stealing a kiss from him, eyes fixed on me before she slipped down the hall. I could smell his breakfast. My stomach and heart twisted. That should be me, I thought as I shrunk more. I deserved that hit, too.

"Just can’t stay away, can you?"

"Jay, It’s not like that—"

"I asked for time, Dara. What the fuck is this?"

I huffed biting back tears. “I Know, but if you’d just hear me out for a min—!”

"No," he hissed, "you didn’t respect my sinple request. Why should I listen to you?"

"Because I’m not here to beg you! I have something to tell you. "

"The hell you aren’t! Can’t it wait? I’m a little busy," he said, looking over his shoulder. I deserved that one.

"No, that’s just it. It can’t wait." I whispered desperately. "Please, I only need a minute.’

With a sigh, his hand ran through his hair before grabbing onto the door knob. His brows furrowed, ready to swing the door shut. I panicked and made the mistake of taking a step forward. He tensed and shook his head, backing away as if I were contagious. My heart stuttered.

"Jaebeom, please—!"

"Go home, Dara. I don’t see how anything could be this important that you show up at my door looking like you do now at a time like this."

With that, his hand pushed at the door. It was now or never. So I took a deep breath, shut my eyes, and cried out just before the door shut, “I had a miscarriage!” I held my breath for a few seconds to keep my self control, eyes clamped shut at tears had spilt over and continued to collect in my eyes, fists curled right at my sides. Not a moment later the door clicked back open. I didn’t want to open my eyes.

"What…?"

I peeked open my eyes to see the door only cracked open now, half of his silhouette in my view. I swallowed dryly and chocked down a sob.

"I lied. Well, kind of. Not really. The doctors had found that I was further along than they had originally thought that I was. It’s been over 2 months. So as to say… this was an accident and could not have possibly been done on Purpose. That had happened before we split. I still should have been more careful. It’s still my fault. But… I didn’t do it on purpose, or alone. I didn’t know I was pregnant for over a month. I was spotting so I thought I was on my period. Apparently I’m not… healthy enough to bear a child anyways…"

I paused to catch my breath and wipe away tears on my sleeve, shaking as I hugged myself and rubbed my bare arms in air of the cool, crisp morning. My lip quivered as my vision blurred with tears. I could feel myself piecing apart.

"I lost them." My voice broke and came out as a harsh whisper. "My baby… I-I lost my baby. Our baby, Jay. It’s just you and me again now. Isn’t that what you wanted?" I sobbed painfully and dropped to my knees infront of him, hiding my face in my hands as I fell apart. "Oh, God, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to! I didn’t mean it, I didn’t mean to! None of it… I wish I died instead! I wish it were me…"

I don’t remember how long I sat with my knees in the snow and cried, but he stood in the doorway and wathed the entire time.

"Being a mother was always a dream of mine. But this wasn’t my intention. I’m starting to realize that I was so scared of what you would say when you found out I was pregnant that I needed to point a finger at someone. I didn’t want to give you grief. I was my own scape goat. And I’ll still take the fall. I lost my baby, and I’m not even sure if I’ll ever be able to bear a child. You have every right to hate me. Premeditated or not, I’ve ruined the relationship and the child we made. I can only pray that you’ll have mercy on me. All I ask is that you take into consideration what you’ve learned. I was pregnant before you left me.

"I love you, Jay. It’s sick how in love I am with you. I can’t stop thinking about you, wanting you, I’ve tried. No one gives me the feeling that you do. There’s a reason for everything. My baby wasn’t taken away from me for no reason. The moment they told me the news I only had two things on my mind: sorrow and you. Sad as I was, Jay, I ran back here. I knew where I needed to go.

"But relationships are a two way thing. If I’ve ruined everything you’ve felt for me then I can’t do much about that. I get it. I fucked up majorly and that’s… that’s something I’m going to have to live with haunting me for the rest of my life. Just please, please consider what I’ve told you."

After swallowing my last sob, I collected myself and glanced at his expression. I pursed my lips and sighed, rubbing at my arms somemore as my swollen eyes narrowed at the welcome mat in between us. “I know that was a lot to take in. I’ll give you your time now. You know where to find me.”

[sxndxrx]

1-65 for Jay & Yukwon

1: Do you have a crush at the moment? Yes, I do. 2: Have you ever been deeply in love? I believe so. 3: Longest relationship you've ever been in? I haven't the consistency to have an answer for this question. 4: Have you ever changed for someone? Yes, but for the better. 5: How is your relationship with your ex? Oh. Uhm. I'd say its complicated in the least, but we do get along very well. 6: Have you ever been cheated on? Sort of. Depends on the definition of the word "cheat". 7: Have you ever cheated? No. 8: Would you date someone who's well known for cheating? Everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt, I guess. 9: What's the most important part of a relationship? Trust. 10: Do you like to be in serious relationships or just flings? Either or I suppose. The grey area in between is where things get complicated. No, thanks. 11: When you are dating someone do you believe in going on "breaks"? ...Sure. I think the terms need to be specified though. 12: How many people have you ever hooked up with? If you keep count, that is sick. 13: What's one thing you regret saying/doing in a previous relationship? Going down without a fight. 14: What age do you think is appropriate for kids to start having sex? 17 or 18. 15: Do you believe in the phrase "age is just a number"? To an extent. Legality is an issue. 16: Do you believe in "love at first sight"? Call me a romantic, but I do. 17: Do you believe it's possible to fall in love on the internet? I don't recommend it but yeah, I think someone can fall in love in any situation. 18: What do you consider a deal breaker? I don't get the question...? 19: How do you know it's time to end a relationship? When the amount of drama overwhelms your will to perservere. 20: Are you currently in a relationship? No, but I'm admitedly emotionally attached. 21: Do you think people who have dated can stay friends? Of course, not to say the love as to completely diminish. 22: Do you think people should date their friends? I would highly recommend doing so, yes. 23: How many relationships have you had? Two. I'd say the first I wouldn't even really count as a real relationship. 24: Do you think love can last forever? Yes. 25: Do you believe love can conquer all things? Yes. 26: Would you break up with someone your parents didn't approve of? I doubt it. I like to root for the underdog. 27: If you could go back in time and give yourself one piece of advice about dating what would it be? Lust ≠ Love 28: Do you think long distance relationships can work? I think it depends on the situation. Some long distance relationship couples get to see one another eventually. Others do not. 29: What do you notice first about another person? Hair & eyes. 30: Are you straight, bi, gay or pansexual? Straight. 31: Would it bother you if your partner suffered from any mental illness? To be so broad, it would definitely depend on the illness and severity, but for it to bother me is completely different than to hinder them being my partner. The suffering of my partner would bother me like hell. 32: Have you ever been in an abusive relationship? No. 33: Do you want to get married one day? It's a dream of mine, yes, but I'm not in any rush. /coughs; 34: What do you think about getting your partner's name tattooed? Tacky af. 35: Could you be in a relationship without sex? Sure. But I'd have to be damn right whipped and smitten. 36: Are you still a virgin? /snorts; No. 37: What's more important: Looks or personality? Wow, personality of course. Is this even a question? 38: Do you enjoy love films? Being the hopeless romantic that I am, of course I do. 39: Have you ever given anyone/received roses? Why, yes. ♥ Yes, I have. 40: Have you ever had a valentine? No, I don't believe I have. 41: What's your imagination of a "perfect date"? Disneyland, dinner & dancing. 42: Have you ever read "Romeo & Juliet"? Yes. 43: What's more important: Your partner or your friends? Depends on the circumstance but I guess majority roles a lot of the time. 44: Would you consider yourself "romantic"? Hopelessly. 45: Could you imagine to date one of your current friends? I could. 46: Have you ever been "friendzoned"? Mhmm. 47: Which "famous couple" is your favorite? Oh, geez. Don't make me choose! I'm a little fangirl, my ships are all precious to me. (; 48: What's your favorite love song? The Way I Am by Ingrid Michaelson 49: Have you ever broken someone's heart? I don't believe so. 50: If you're single, why do you think you are? Because the timing was wrong. 51: Would you rather date someone who's rich but a douchebag or someone who's poor but a nice guy? Honestly, rich but a douchebag. I like to prove a point that love is loving flaws and unconditional beyond anything. If I succeed to love someone that no one else can stand, then I consider that an accomplishment. Plus, I gain a new friend. 52: Are you good at giving other people advices regarding dating/ relationships? Unless you want romantic advice, then no. Not generally. I have little experience and a very optimistic view on life, love, and the human nature. 53: Are you jealous of couples when you're single? At times, yes. But I always know that I'm loved. That, I never crave. 54: How important is it to make a relationship official (p.e. on facebook)? Like publically? I couldn't care less. But I don't like to be confused in a relationship. Tell me where we stand and no one but you and I have to know. If you want the world to know, we can tell them too. 55: Would you consider yourself "clingy", "overly attached" or "jealous"? Not generally, no, but as Herculed said, "people do crazy things when they're in love". /just wanted an excuse to quote Hercules; I base my relationships off of trust. 56: Have you ever "destroyed" a relationship? Not that I know of, no. He was mine and I kept him, and they were too late. I don't think that counts. But it nearly ruined mine. 57: Do you think it's silly to consider suicide because of a broken heart? I think there is nothing silly about suicide. 58: Are you the "dominant" or the "submissive" part in a relationship? Heh. Ah, honestly, I feel like I'm the dominant type, but after recently having this conversation I may be wrong. I'd say you'd need to ask my lover. 59: Have you ever forgotten important dates like your partner's birthday or your anniversary? Oi, probably. 60: What's your opinion on open relationships? I only court one prince at a time, thanks. 61: Who's more important: Your partner or your family? Family, but I'd like to find a partner willing to become my family. 62: How do you define "cheating"? No sex with another while in a relationship with me. Kissing someone else would only count if you were willing and still had feelings. 63: Is watching porn while being in a relationship inappropriate? I don't think so. Don't some couples do that togwther? 64: Do you think Valentine's Day is overrated? Yes, but it's a nice gesture. 65: Would you consider yourself a "cuddler"? For sure.

[sxndxrx]

All is right with the world.

[sxndxrx]

"Hi, I love you, marry me" *is not mainstream and makes his own sentence*

Snickering, Dara snakes her arms around his neck and brings him close. Her eyes lock with his and their foreheads meet, her lips curved into a small smile that lifts her rosey cheeks. “Hi yourself.” She lifts onto her toes to press a sweet, lingering kiss to his lips, whispering against his mouth, “I love you, Jay.” She claims his lips in another kiss, slow and sweet, sighing dreamily. Her lips trailed off to the corner of his mouth where she left a final kiss and mumbled, “I like how you don’t even have to ask me. Just say the word and I’m yours, forever.”

[sxndxrx]

"Just what did we do last night?"

"Why tell you when I can show you?”

[sxndxrx]

"I missed you."

With a gasp, her eyes widen and her lips curve out into a huge grin. Dara whips around to face him and throws herself into his arms. “I missed you more!” she cries, laughing as she rushes into his arms and the two meet in a warm embrace.

[sxndxrx]

"I know your secret.”

She raises a brow, her amusement obvious in her expression as she smiles at him. “You can’t know what doesn’t exist. I don’t have anything to hide from you.”