warnings: angst, grief/mentions of death, emotional hurt and comfort!! probably swearing, mentions of vomiting
a/n- hello itâs been a while but im back with my own love letter to steve rogers. steve is truly my favorite, i hope i capture him well in this and you all love reading!
you had matured, with the way everything had gone down. you still feel the weight of the soul stone in your hand, heavy with loss, you still see her sad smile flash before your eyes, you still hear her last words.
let me go.
it was ironic, because you just couldnât let her go. you clung onto the memories, running like ribbons in your mind. you held those ribbons and tied them tight around your fingertips, in a desperate effort to preserve her.
it was hard. you were different.
you went into the endgame of it all with some rose remaining over your eyes, and you had come out barely able to see.
you didnât want to see. you didnât want to close your eyes and dream of the way she looked at you while she grasped your hand. you didnât want to open them and see her spot next to you at the dinner table empty.
the avengers live the articles had all read, and maybe they had. the press only really cared about the idea of the avengers, the name of it all, and it was clear in their articles because not all the avengers had lived.
natasha sacrificed herself so carol danvers could snap and save half the universe.
if they were making a movie of your life, your coming of age wouldâve definitely come and gone by now.
even after defeating thanos, danger remained in the world, and you still had a job to do, until you lost that too.
your powers started becoming stronger and stronger, to the point where you feared you lost control.
the man had a gun, aimed at yelena. you felt the chill wrap itself around your bones, and the panic thaw it.
you couldnât lose another sister.
ice started to dance rapidly across the floor, your fingertips turning blue. the frost consumed the room, as a blade of ice shot from a hand you didnât even know you had raised.
it flew faster than anything youâd ever created, and landed between the manâs eyes before he could even comprehend the situation.
the last thing you saw was the look of both pity and worry from yelena, before you succumbed to the cold consuming your system.
maybe the danger lived in you.
you had gone to visit steve when you felt yourself slip away, succumbing to your grief fueled powers.
steve, who had been a pillar of strength this whole time.
steve, who had held your hand tight and when he did it was the only time you didnât think of her.
steve, who had told you heâd do whatever he could to see you get peace.
steve, who had retired, and gotten peace for himself.
steve, who was so warm you donât even think you could make ice around him.
âthe danger doesnât live in you, (y/n).â
he had a concerned look painted across his features, blue eyes like pools of empathy.
âi killed someone, i lost all control, i almost froze myself. that sounds like danger to me.â
you didnât notice you were crying until you felt a snowflake on your cheek.
it was overwhelming, the pain and now the panic. navigating grief was hard, and so was navigating your powers, but to do both? all over again? you had lost before. you had lost control before. but never both at once.
it was the kind of thing that just made weariness seep into your soul, fatigue into your blood.
steve approached you like you were a stray cat.
he moved a hand to your face, and swiped the snowflake onto his fingertip.
he held it out so you could see.
âthis isnât dangerous.â
he was so sincere it made you want to throw up.
it also made your heart want to run laps across the room.
âmake me something.â he said, voice soft and quiet.
âi donât think i can give you something pretty anymore.â
he saw the beauty where you couldnât. he wished that he could take away the grief he saw stirring beneath your skin and bear it as his own, but he couldnât, so he would do whatever he could to help you heal.
he wanted you to see the beauty in your powers, in yourself again.
you smiled for the first time today.
steve always made you smile.
âokay, but when youâre left with a spiky ball or something please donât complain.â
he chuckled and you started to feel so warm you didnât even know if your powers would work.
after some thinking, you were able to conjure a little daisy.
he plucked it from where you held it out to him between your fingers, big smile on his face and goosebumps on his arms as he put it behind his ear.
âhow do i look?â
âas stupid as usual, steven.â
but you swear you hadnât smiled this hard in months.
after your little visit with steve, and another with yelena, you had to return back to your reality. your apartment was cold, and you wished he was there to make your brittle heart warm again.
when you opened your door you were met with a large canvas leaning against the wall of your tiny little mudroom.
it was beautiful.
the oil paint had come to create a swirl of periwinkle and purple and blue to create a dreamscape-like arrangement of snowflakes.
there was a yellow sticky note on the front.
saw this in my dreams. for when you only see danger. -steve
the walls seemed to tower over you in that moment, because his integrity just made you feel so small. however, at the same time, his caring seemed to shrink the walls guarding your heart.
you lurked like a ghost around the tower, leaning against walls and saying fewer words than bucky. it was when clint showed up that you were forced from the wall to talk.
he sat you down on a couch, and you could feel a chill creep itâs way up your spine, but you forced it down before anything could happen.
âyou know, i miss her too.â
his look was grim, that of a healing man.
you stayed quiet.
âi know i wasnât her brother or anything, but damn did it feel like it.â
clint had never been this open with anyone before, and you could read his nervousness.
âbut iâm healing. iâm moving. maybe not moving on, but iâm moving. iâm not letting this beat me because i know nat wouldnât let it kill her if roles were reversed.â
he was right. she would grieve, yes, but nat was so resilient. she would move forward. she wouldnât let the grief beat her the way you had.
maybe he was right. maybe you could find a way to let yourself find beauty in things again. maybe you could let people in.
âi just worry iâll feel like iâm forgetting her.â
the words came out before you could think to stop them.
âi could never forget her, really. but i feel like if i try to move forward iâll be moving on from her.â
âme and you, we donât move on. not really. we just keep moving. and weâll keep moving until we canât anymore. natasha wouldnât want you to lose yourself.â
never let them take your heart.
âwill i always feel guilty?â
the room was a little colder now.
âfind someone who makes you feel less of the guilt and more of the fondness.â
it was weird, coming from clint. he was never a letâs sit and talk about how this feels person, yet the words that came from him seemed both practiced and wise.
you thought of steve, of the dreamscape on your wall, of his effortless golden aura, of his honor. the way you were acting, the way you were feeling? it felt like you were wasting his honor.
âi think iâve found that someone.â
he gave you a smile then, a fatherly nature taking over as he pat your shoulder.
âthen hold on to them, tight.â
your body was in autopilot. clintâs words ran deep, and you realized you loved steve.
you almost ran to your car, driving to where you knew steve lived upstate.
you loved him.
you loved the way he drew in little sketchbooks that he stowed away, not allowing anyone to see.
you loved the way he smiled when he saw a dog, even from a distance.
you loved how he bought new music on vinyl because itâs a balance of both the new and the old as he had said.
you loved the notebooks he filled up with pop culture references.
you loved his stupid glasses he wore because âsuper soldier serum doesnât protect me from blue lightâ.
you loved his snark, his kindness, his beauty, his innocence, his insolence, his anger.
you loved it all.
you loved him.
and you hated yourself for only now realizing it.
you figured natasha was probably screaming FINALLY at you, from wherever she was now.
to think you once thought that love was partially for show. now you understood it all, because you would die for him in secret.
you had a few tears painting their way across your cheeks, but there was no chill.
no cold, because he had found you and made you warm again.
but would he love you back?
it plagued you as you pulled into his driveway, but it didnât stop you.
you knew that with your job, anything could happen, and you werenât one to wait when it came to speaking from the heart.
it started to snow as you got out of your car.
this time it wasnât from your flurry of emotions, but simply a work of nature as the white dusted the world around you.
you stood under the safety of his porch, knocking softly at the wood.
you were met with a beautiful mess.
his hair was mussed, and there was flour coating his shirt and hands.
âhey.â you said, suddenly nervous.
âhi, sorry i was just making some bread.â
of course he was.
the ice that has always been coursing through your veins seemed to melt a little.
âcome in, didnât realize it was snowing out.â
he was smiling at you, bright and warm, and you honestly had no idea how it could snow around him.
âthereâs something i need to tell you.â
he furrowed his brows, giving you that steve look.
you stepped in the doorway, and he pulled your coat off your shoulders for you.
heâd do anything for you, really. heâd walk into the snow and lie in it if you had asked him to. but you didnât know that, so you stood with bated breath.
âwhat is it you wanted to say?â
he stood in front of you, expectant.
you could tell he was nervous by the way he stood. his shoulders werenât as far back as usual, and he keeps glancing down at his feet. it made your heart soar, and before you could think, your words came tumbling out of your mouth.
âi love you.â
his jaw dropped, parting his lips. you decided it would be better if you said more.
âi just realized today that i loved you. i was talking to clint and it just came to me. i couldnât not tell you, now that i knew.â
you were wringing your hands, engrossed in his hardwood floorboards while you spoke. so engrossed that you didnât see steve take a few steps closer to you.
he was smiling, like a summer day.
âyou beat me to it.â he said, shaking his head with a bashful look on his face.
when you tilted your head in confusion, he offered an explanation.
âiâve loved you for years now, probably ever since i met you. first time i saw you, itâs like i..â
his cheeks turned pink and your eyes glistened with happy tears.
âlike i would do anything for you. iâd sit with you in the trenches again, if it meant iâd get to be with you. after i came out of the ice, itâs like some part of me was still cold, but you took it and made it warm again.â
his words melted your heart. it was your turn for your cheeks to heat up, as his words filled you with emotion.
âfunny, because you do the same for me.â you smiled, and he looked down at you as if youâd just held out the sun to him in the palm of your hand.
âsteve, iâd give you anything. all of me, every part. but, i donât know if i can give you the peace you deserve.â
he was impossibly close now. his large hand came to hold your cheeks, tilting your face up to his.
âyou are my peace.â
he brought his forehead to yours, and you thought you might explode with the way your heart was pounding.
you wished you could trap this moment in amber, and keep it forever as a reminder of the love you had. but the love wouldnât ever go away. even if you became a wild storm, or if he did something a little stupid, you both would love each other. you would now, you would in a year, you would forever. that is the power of peace.
