We received so many more questions than we could properly respond to in one sitting, so here we go for part 2. From immigration to some very intimate questions, we respond to them all!
Q: Is it true that everyone in Yara can fix cars?
A: Surely not everyone, but general car repair is a crucial skill to learn early in life when available cars are old and likely to break down. If you do need your car repaired though, please go to a mechanic shop. There are plenty around Yara.
Q: Where can i buy cigars?
A: You can buy cigars at local shops or from stands in public squares and markets. However, it is worth mentioning that many Yarans smoke Mexican tobacco as most of our tobacco fields have been taken over by the Viviro™ industry and may or may not contain a compound used in its production that may or may not cause your eyes to bleed and your brain to fry. Something to keep in mind if you are purchasing a souvenir for uncle Bob.
Q: I want to move to Yara. Any advice?
A: Yes. Stay home. No offense but most foreigners could not handle Yara full time. It’s all fun and games for a few weeks, but you would need to deal with hurricanes, shortages of every kind, the bureaucracy is a nightmare.. we’re not even talking about the housing crisis, the constant economic collapse. Honestly, a lot of Yarans are trying to get the f out of here you wanna come in?! You could always get a non paying job at an Outcast camp if this is truly your dream. They’ll take anybody. You don’t even need to speak Spanish. Otherwise, stay home. You are happy there.
Q: Can you go surfing?
A: Of course! Although jetskis are much more popular and readily available to rent and use.
Q: I want to do a Cruise, but I hate going on boats. What do you recommend?
A: Helicopter tours! - Check it out!
Q: Are there any hospitals? How is the healthcare?
A: We have hospitals and field clinics. Travelers may access medical services as long as they do not have a criminal record. People with a criminal history or history of civil disobedience are not entitled to receive care. (Doctors and nurses can actually lose their licenses and be thrown in jail if they assist you. It’s harsh, we know, but we don’t make those rules.)
If you do suffer an injury or fall ill while traveling in Yara and you believe you do not qualify for healthcare, you can find an unlicensed field clinic that may be able to provide care for a price. But keep in mind, those installations are not always the cleanest. They do what they can.
Editor's Note: Here is one such unlicensed "field clinic" doing what they can.
Q: What do I do if someone tries to sell me crap on the beach?
A: Whatever you do, just be polite. Those people are simply trying to make a living. ‘No, gracias,’ goes a long way. Or perhaps do consider parting with a couple of pesos. Consider it your gift to our beautiful country.
Q: Why is it raining? Isn’t yara supposed to be a tropical country?
A: Hello, hurricane season. We are a Caribbean island and do have a rainy season which spans from about May through November. If you were here in September or October, chances are you got rain.
Q: do they eat dogs in Yara?
A: NO! We do have feral dogs but dogs are not a source of protein for most Yarans in normal times. There are backwoods cantinas that prepare and serve coyote meat but this is not a dish we could recommend.
Q: Are there any vegan restaurants? What do you recommend?
A: Veganism isn’t quite as widespread or popular in our country yet. Meat and fish remain the staple diet in Yara out of necessity. We are unable to recommend any vegan restaurant at this time. Lo siento.
Q: Is Yara LBGTQ friendly?
A: This is always quite the touchy subject because I am obliged to say that “Love is Love” is not quite a thing yet in our country, not for lack of effort to change things on the part of many of our citizens. Same sex marriage is not recognized nor legal in Yara at least at the time this article was written.
That being said, there are some drag shows that the government sponsors in an effort to appear more progressive and open-minded. There is at least one known underground gay bar but we are unable to share its location in order to protect the privacy and safety of the Yarans that may frequent said establishment. All and all, LGBTQ+ travelers, with a bit of research and a lot - a lot!! - of discretion may yet find that Yara’s queer community is alive and well, if away from the public eye.
Q: I don’t speak Spanish. Can I still travel to Yara?
A: Most Yarans are bilingual as English as a second language is taught throughout elementary school. There are some bilingual signs and all public announcements are played in Spanish and in English. As for other languages, we know of a small Russian-Yaran community and perhaps a minority of multilingual people but we cannot make assumptions that any language other than Spanish and English will be widely understood.
Q: Can I speak to the manager?
A: If by manager you mean El Presidente de Yara, this is not something we would recommend attempting. Grievances could be addressed with the PDP (Protectorado de Defensa de la Patria) but this is not something we would recommend doing either.
Q: What’s the best sniper rifle?
A: We are in no way gun experts and do not condone violence of any kind.
Q: Why are all the clocks set to 6:13?
A: That’s an urban legend.
Editor's Note: ...
Q: Why are yaran chicks so hot?
A: Because it’s hot in Yara.
Q: Are the men circumcised?
A: Ehhh I haven't had the chance to interview every man in Yara to find out but from my brief compulsory military service where privacy is practically nonexistent, I wanna say, mostly no?
Editor's Note: Do we edit that one out?
Q: Is it true that cockfighting is legal? Why are you so backwards and barbaric?
A: Whether cockfighting is officially legal is debatable. The authorities are surely aware of tournaments occurring, they just don’t care. It is in no way everyone’s cup of tea and it isn’t a national sport or anything, more of an underground thing. There are known fighting rooster breeders such as Álvarez Farm and Esmeralda Eco Farm but don’t go to that one. Just.. don’t.
Q: Can I get a refund if it rains?
A:¿Puedo obtener un reembolso si las personas me hacen preguntas tontas? The rainy season in the Caribbean runs from late May through November. Perhaps you would enjoy a nice vacation on the surface of the Sun instead? Book your tickets here.
Q: Are there any coconut trees in Yara? I once went to Fiji and was too afraid to leave my room because I have a phobia of a coconut falling from a tree and killing me.
Himno Nacional Yarano : Learn our National Anthem with English translation
An Introduction - Includes "Things to Know Before Visiting Yara
Santo Gusto Café Company
Complete Viviro™ Tour ( Available on our YouTube channel)
From Our YouTube Channel:
The Segunda Hangover: What NOT to do in Yara
Storytime with Philly Barzaga: How Chorizo Got His Wheels
Dr. Yanny Dábolos' Shock Therapy
Complete Viviro™ Tour NEW
