You know when people on the internet say that you have to be careful about the way you talk even when putting yourself down because you could put someone else down and stuff?
I finally get it it makes sense.
I have this friend, they have many issues, and incredibly low self esteem. But they're conventionally attractive, smoothest skin one could possibly have, skinny, nice hair and many other features that are generally complimented.
And I know that this doesn't stop someone from hating themselves and their body, I am incredibly aware of this.
But also if this person comes to me and says "omg my skin is absolutely horrible, I hate it look I have a pimple" or "I am so big I hate my body" or "my hair sucks, it's so messy" than how do you expect me to feel?
My skin is not smooth nor clear, far from it, I am slightly heavier than my friend, my hair is messy and curly and kind of unkept to be honest. How do you expect me to believe this friend when they hug me and say "you're so beautiful, and pretty and I love you"?
"No, you don't think that"
Obviously I don't believe them. I don't believe they find me beautiful, the things they hate so much about themselves, that they described as disgusting... well I also have them.
I hate the fact that they openly insult themselves like that desperately seeking for me or anyone else to say "no it's not true you're beautiful". And I understand it okay? I understand their issues and their need for validation and stuff. I've been through that when I was 12, it sucks.
And it's ironic that they say "I just don't believe when people give ne compliments" okay, neither do I believe when YOU give me compliments lol. Because I can believe anyone else, but not you.
I believe I can be pretty to myself or any other person in this world, but not for you.
Because I don't hate myself anymore, I've spent years fighting myself and now that I've finally started liking myself and my body and I finally know what I aspire to be it won't be something like this to set me back. I don't have the same goals as them, I don't feel the need to change the things they hate so much about themselves because I don't care about them on myself anymore. But God, would this shit have thrown 11/12 years old me in one hell of a loop.
I just don't believe this friend is being genuine, I just really dislike the fact that they don't see any problem in scraping the bottom of the barrel fishing desperately for compliments while putting others down even if unknowingly.
Sometimes I don't even think they're doing it unknowingly, I think they feel miserable and hope that just a bit of that feeling will spill onto someone else, just not to feel so lonely in their misery.
And I pity that.
I genuinely care for this friend and won't stop being there for them or giving them compliments for that matter, at least one of us has to be genuine, I just wish it could be them for once. I just wish they didn't compare myself to me and made me feel weary of being a little bit too happy about my own accomplishments. Because no matter how much they say "I'm so happy for you! I'm so proud of you" I can feel almost pure hatred behind those words, even if it's for just a second.
