#yeethaw

[staticyuroboros]

Anyonw who draws Eva Stratt without her wrinkles and lines will not be making it

[mushtoons]

beep beep im late to the party but heres a hog ready for summer 💛🍄🌈

[toasttiiee]

sorft

[waveoftheocean]

trying out a new coloring style!!! also, i love drawing iwaizumi's face

(cropped wip of one of my pieces for @hqplaylistzine hehe)

[ningyooo]

And guess who sticked up with the Demon Slayer AU idea

i can't draw blood :,³

[belovastarks]

the feminine urge to crawl to kevin fridge coz i need more widow fam contents im so tired of reading widomfam fics i need canOn

[philtstone]

jamie fraser + more text posts

[bitbrumal]

HEADCANON ¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ █ ▌▌▌ayaks.          ‘‘‘lust’‘‘ for battle.

i mean it may go without saying around here, but i analyse the psyche of all my muses, so.

ayaks’ ‘’‘lust for battle’‘’ is obviously a well-channelled coping mechanism. ( the chaos that follows in his wake is a more gothic horror type of thing related to the foul legacy, & that’s not the point of this post. )           it’s the outlet he started with when he just got out of hell the abyss, the coping mechanism that was an extension of the battle that had just not actually ended- not for him. & as a child, all he could do was act on what his mind told him. end the fight. end the fear. end the fight. end the fear.

you can’t stop being afraid until you needn’t fear the threat— & threats there will always be. so you need to be powerful, not at peace.

he’s simply traumatised. 

the anxiety that makes it impossible to relax, let alone rest. forget sleep - what if you never rest while you sleep? no matter how many hours you get in, you cannot rest deeply enough to enter REM sleep, which heals the mind by processing whatever’s happened. the very balm to his PTSD is out of reach because of it. the memories that he cannot even have as they are so thoroughly repressed - & yet their imprint haunts him, leaves him with the negative space he cannot grow away from - only into & around. there are parts of him that will be missing unless he ever deals with this, & he doesn’t know to deal with it. he thinks that he does, already. the progress he has made in his stability & ability to function in day to day life tells him he is on the right track.        in reality all he has learned is how to cope,   & while it is incredibly impressive, it nixes almost all opportunity to heal.

how it helps to fight, is thus:

in a proper battle— with someone who is a good match for him & so registers as a real threat* —the immediate fear takes over his c-PTSD’s general constant fear responses. that is just so much less suffering, no matter how serious the threat he faces, is. in addition, it makes this fear actionable — no longer a pointless, useless, painful inability to be anything but a pinpointed would-be weapon—      an actual fight is something he can win. & when he does, his entire brain finally experiences a break from the terror & the way it just won’t let him go — no matter how little he has grown to care for his own pain. end the fight, end the fear. success proves to instinct that he is powerful enough not to need to be afraid. failure proves that he has something he can work on to make it all stop nagging.

*hence part of his lack of lust toward fighting the innocent & the defenceless & those simply not on par. not only is childe not... unkind?? inherently. i don’t think he’s a sadist - like maybe a teensy bit, in the manner of those who are stupidly competitive & those who need to see what they can take. but that is more masochism in his case.       —anyway. ayaks has no need to hurt random people. he just wants his fucking brain to stop turning him into a blind, deaf, mute shriek.

           there is either no danger, or you are the greater danger - & especially in ayaks’ life in the fatui, it has become impossible for him to expect or desire peace. it’s a fleeting farce of something he cannot truly feel anyway ((his muscles are made of steel not just by training but by stress))—it is something that would lie to him, like it did in his youth. there is no eternal peace — only the belief in it, which is the innocence of childhood.

          so if there is no danger ( that you need to be afraid of ),           then there is no fear. eventually, ayaks will reach that height-           & if not, he’ll have reached all the heights that lead up           to his ending point. & he will end. that’s just how it goes. that’s an unprotected weakness ( for it cannot protect itself ): dead.

         the mind only supplies us with fear when it registers a warning sign. the problem in PTSD is that the brain has been so unable to process terror that it simple brands the entire situation & ALL ITS FACETS a reason to be in fight/flight mode. & this is especially crippling in ‘complex-PTSD’, which occurs when fight or flight continues to be aggravated across a span of time. you can be in f/f mode due to literal sliced bread if your brain latched onto it during that time.

but because he never treats the REAL fight & fear, every battle only staves off his reflexive terror momentarily. fear is lodged into our psyche & that is called trauma - an impact that hasn’t been buffered through. therefore you remain permanently in the moment of impact ( &/or in the buffering, which is just as cruel in its own way ).

       also he dissociates so fucking hard literally 24/7 to cope with being said shriek. any angst, disaster, hardship - it’s water off his back, easy peasy. nothing can touch him. his mind protects him well. if it didn’t he’d have chased the end of that fear into being killed somehow. not even suicide—just chasing the end of a battle & so a battle, whether it be climbing a mountain beyond the ability of his body & just falling bc it failed him - or pissing off more people than he could take because what he can take, was never enough to quiet the fear.

it is absolutely why he pushes himself so hard despite being half god-like re: power levels. & no wealth of power will ever be enough. because it won’t process his old fears. he doesn’t know this. he just figures he was born a bit of a baby, & he has to be tough so as to not succumb to his sensitive, weak nature - which is only a bite of bitter resentment toward himself when it gets particularly tiring. he doesn’t blame himself for being weak. to him it’s just a fact; & so he does not see his constant terror for what it is.

& the fatui won’t get him the help he needs to stop being the weapon he is so driven to be... so. yay. ( if teyvat even has the means. which i hate to think of them not having BUT MOSTLY BC I CRAVE CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT LMFAO. )