A very thoughtful follower asked me about my Yeongwoo/his story. I wanted to answer them in a post. :)
Do I still think about Yeongwoo?
Yes, I do occasionally. He and I are Facebook friends so I see him on my newsfeed. Things have been changing. He looks older now, much more handsome (still a fashion disaster tho), and he's even changed his English name. We don't talk much, but I feel like he wouldn't ever be OPPOSED to talking to me. We're just like that now. Acquaintances, I guess you could say. I don't think 30 days was enough for us to grow so attached to each other, nor was it enough for us to truly get to know each other either.
Does Yeongwoo know about what you've written about him?
No, and I don't think he ever will know. He doesn't have a Tumblr and doesn't really get too involved with online communities. Unless I, or any of my friends (who don't personally know him) shows him, he will never know. I don't ever intend to tell him either.
What if he found them one day? Would you want him to know you felt that way about him?
Well, then I guess there wouldn't be much I could do it about it? Haha In his yearbook, I wrote a 2 page long entry thanking him for all that he's done. He has never known the negative things I thought about the relationship, but my stories definitely touch upon them. He was honest when we were together, particularly at the end when he hinted that he felt the love dying (it was mutual). So I think if he found these and read the honesty in it, he wouldn't mind. And I wouldn't mind either. Honesty is important in relationships, romantic or not, even though we don't have much of a relationship anymore anyway. He'd get ticked off at some of the smaller things though. Lol I tease him a bit (calling him dorky and saying he had an accent and stuff... lol)
Do you ever wonder about the future you two might have had? Do you wonder if there are more stories for the two of you to come?
I wonder, but I know it's not possible, nor should it happen. Yeongwoo and I are done. There's no future for us together. I would never ever want to marry him. We would have broken up one way or another because while the relationship developed very quickly, the interest also died just as fast. It was a bit more like puppy love. It was fun. To me, it wasn't love and I believe it was the same for him, even though he kept wanting to say it was love. (But if it was love, why isn't he still communicating with me?)
Yeongwoo showed me that a fun, fairytale-like relationship was possible. That not all the best boyfriend are the quiet, serious type! And while I did write a whole personal series about him, he was not my first and only love. After coming home for vacation, I've never dreamt of him. I've been constantly dreaming about my first love though. I think this just goes to show that Yeongwoo never made it far enough into my heart to affect me at a subconscious level, but he has made me realize a lot more is possible out there.
His life and my life have strayed too far from each other now. I don't even know if I'll ever see him again in person, despite us being connected by Facebook. It may sound sad, but actually, I'm quite alright. He and I had our time together and it was fun while it lasted. We learned a lot, but, well, there won't be any more stories featuring the two of us in the future. And that's perfectly fine.
I wasn't sure if I wanted to send this or not but I thought "what the heck". I am a huge fan of your scenarios. I've read all them over many times. Today I thought "Hm, let's read the Yeongwoo story." I cried from Day 16 to the very end. I'm not sure why exactly. But I just wanted to thank you because now I know not to stop looking until I find that one perfect guy. This is probably a stupid ask but I don't know how to put it all into words. But.. thank you for writing that.You're amazing.
I don't know why would hesitate about sending this ask to me! DEFINITELY NOT A STUPID ASK. I'm so glad you sent it, it means a lot to me!! Thank you for reading it!
I'm happy that my story gave you this hope. Don't ever stop looking!! <3
This is not a scenario.
Final Yeongwoo story chapter. Thank you to those of you who read it all. It was a really personal series and I'm glad I was able to share it with you.
Yeongwoo told me he would visit school really quickly the day after we broke up so he could pick something up, so I came to school early by 9am.
The morning of, I wanted to find him, so I texted his phone, but as I was sitting outside on the patio in wait, I received a message that read,
Yeongwoo left for the airport already.
And just like that, he was gone.
Just like that, we wouldn't see each other again for a long time.
Just like that, as if nothing had ever happened.
There were other things I needed to get done. I knew that if I could keep myself busy, I wouldn't feel any pain. I didn't want my heart to ache, but I also wanted to replay all our memories together so I wouldn't forget them. But I had to get used to the idea that I was on my own again... I had to keep busy, so I went to go see my school's psychologist.
"Yeongwoo and I broke up yesterday."
"How are you dealing with that?"
"I'm okay surprisingly. He wasn't the boyfriend that I loved the most, but he was the best one."
"He's raised the standard for you," she smiled.
He really had.
Yeongwoo as my boyfriend was proof that there are guys out there who can answer my neediness and make me feel okay about sharing my thoughts and feelings. He helped me see that I am actually attractive to someone. He liked me despite all my imperfections; instead of pretending they didn't exist, he said he liked me more because of them. Such flaws were things I hated about myself, but when he held me and held these qualities within me as well, I learned to appreciate myself a little bit more. I learned to love myself a little bit more. I thanked him through my psychologist, thanked him for helping me realize that so much more in a relationship is possible.
After seeing my psychologist, I walked to the art room just for sentimental reasons. I didn't really have anywhere else to go.
But just as I walked in, my art teacher stopped me. "Yeongin, Yeongwoo left you a note."
My heart stopped.
She went to retrieve it and found it pinned on the board in her office.
"When did he give this to you?"
"I'd say at around 11:30 when I was here," she handed me a small piece of paper. "He came at around 9:30 too."
My heart pounded as my eyes scrolled through the black letters.
To Yeongin -
Hey Yeongin. I came earlier than I thought and I need to go since I have to leave for my plane. I'm sorry that I didn't see your face today. HAVE A GREAT SUMMER and I'll talk to you in Korea.
I remembered how he bid me farewell yesterday. As we sat together the day before, he said to me, "I'm going to miss your beautiful brown eyes. I'm going to miss listening to your heartbeat. I'm going to miss this..." and he stroked my lips. "I'm going to miss your... boobs." I chuckled. I was going to miss him very much.
For the beginning of the summer, "Let's Hate Each Other" by Park Hyo Shin, one of the many songs he gave me, became my nightly lullaby.
The song embodied the feeling of our breakup very well: bittersweet. It didn't even feel like we were no longer an item. In my mind, it felt like he was just traveling, that he would come right back in a week or a month.
It couldn't happen, right?
That I would come to hate you
Your misbehaviour, that behaviour
And I shout at you to leave
Should I really be like that?
Should I do as you say?
But what should I do?
Without me knowing, your hands hold mine
But when he talked me through Facebook, his neutral tone bothered me. The way he typed was nothing like how he talked. Although we were no longer together, it felt wrong for him to talk to me like a normal friend. Like nothing ever happened between us. As time progressed, more picture updates on Facebook of him smiling with his Korean friends pierced my heart. He began to talk with me less. Where was his promise of being best friends?
Let's hate each other. Let's become strangers.
Let's push each other away, a little more
Even the blocked memories
You should be able to feel them
If you're ready, I'll leave
Even if you don't say anything, I know about it all
Your awkward lies
You don't have to, it's okay
I hung out with friends that summer, watched Korean dramas and even discovered MBLAQ and became obsessed. Those boys were so dorky and one of them specifically so captivating (the complete opposite of Yeongwoo practically) that they filled my empty heart. My love that was once given to Yeongwoo then became directed towards MBLAQ and KPOP.
The friend that came to visit me at school and met him that time told me one day, "You don't seem as perky anymore."
"What do you mean?"
"He made you happier. He made your face light up, especially when you were waiting for him."
You know how they say, "it shouldn't take a man to make you happy" or something like that? Well, I think I think it's true, but there's a lot more to it than that. He made me happy, but not because he was a man in my life. He was my dorky prince, the one who showed me that there were such things as fairytale love stories. He made me see my own inner and outter beauty. He improved me, made me into a better person, and that's why I was happy.
However, his online voice was cold.
Everything that he helped me build up collapsed like sand, slipping through my fingers. All the happiness and confidence that he gifted me, he took right back when he mentioned pointless things to me online and didn't acknowledge that he was ever in love with a girl named Yeongin.
Even though you cry that "Nothings changed"
I keep remembering
Your shy smile...
My heart hurts
Within that pretty smile
I can't protect you like this
At the end of August, after I started my first semester of college, he called me and left me a text.
Hey I'm back
"Hello? Yeongwoo?"
"Yeah?"
It felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I wanted to cry out of happiness to finally heard his voice again.
In October, he called me again and we talked for an hour. Almost all of the conversation was about his summer adventures traveling, doing doctor stuff, buying brand name items... But then he asked me,
"Would you mind if I took my best friend to prom? Do you know Liz? She and I are really good friends and I really want to take her. I can't tell if I like her as more than a friend. I want to say it's love but I mean I don't want to ruin our friendship."
Goodbye my love
If we were to become estranged
If we were fall in love then,
That wouldn't do
The painful memories
I wouldn't be able to stand them
In December, I visited my high school and hung out with him for a little bit. Can you guess what he did?
Yeah, he studied. Oh, he talked about himself too. And studied some more.
I wanted to yell at him that I missed him all this time. I wanted to pour out everything I've learned about Korean culture LA (where there's a huge Korean-American population), I wanted to call him "Yeongwoo-yah" instead of addressing him by his English name because it matched him so much better. I wanted to tell him so much, but I didn't want to distract him.
Things were still the same this way. We just were no longer together.
I made a mistake that day. When I hugged him tightly when we saw each other, he gave me back a mediocre hug. A normal one. One that was worse than close-friend quality. And when he had to leave, all he did was turn around as he was walking away and wave good-bye to me. Nothing more. I shouldn't have had such high hopes for him.
After I came home for the summer in May, I visited school once again, this time with Leah. This time, I knew I shouldn't get my hopes up, but I wanted to dress to impress. I wanted to seem like a changed person... more feminine and more like a matured lady. 2 metal hoop earrings dangled from my hears, my face was masked well with make-up, I wore stylish feminine (badass) clothes. I looked in the mirror that morning and thought "I look hot," and let me tell you, that RARELY happens.
"You look good today, girl!" Leah said. A few of my teachers almost couldn't recognize me. Looks like I did a good job.
After visiting teachers, Leah and I went in search of Yeongwoo during lunch but couldn't find him. Probably studying. We bumped into him later as he left class.
But the first person he noticed was Leah, not me. Leah was dressed for comfort, wearing the same kind of outfit she would always. And there I stood beside her, looking glam as fuck and he greeted her with a smile within the second. I noticed this. That's how much I wanted him to see me.
A millisecond later, he realized it was me and backed away with his arms and mouth open in shock, looking back and forth at Leah and I. "What are you two doing here?" I guess he was just shocked to see us at school.
Leah did most of the talking. I'm usually not the talker. I also didn't know WHAT to say. Leah's a very thoughtful girl. She knew what our situation was like because we go to college together and she'd ask me as the months went by, "has he been talking to you at all?" So she went off to go say hello to someone to subtly let Yeongwoo and I have some time alone.
He had grown. Gotten new glasses. His hair grew out a bit. He had on a nice leather jacket and some grey shorts, but his tennis shoes made his outfit look bad. Same ol' Yeongwoo...
Even when we were alone, I didn't know what to say to him. We made small talk, those stupid shitty little conversations that acquaintances have who haven't seen each other in a long time.
Very soon after, he told me he had to go study for a test. There was more I wanted to say to him. But what? The words wouldn't leave my mouth because I had none. Just a chaotic storm in my mind, my inner self trying to come up with something, anything to say to him so that he would stay with me a little longer and talk with me. But he didn't invite me to stay with him or anything, so I let it go.
After school got out, I met him in front of his class. He left and Leah returned. When my back was turned, I felt hands drop on my shoulders, the same way he used to surprise me. I'm glad he didn't see my face... he would've been able to see all my emotions I tried to hide from him written all over my wide eyes and slight blush.
"You know we won't be seeing each other again til months later, right?" I asked casually. "Let's take a picture together, okay?" A picture to show that I've "changed." Me, the changed-attractive ex, him looking the same. I admit, I wanted to show off.
But then, he was clueless enough to suggest, "Let's take one all together!" My heart sank a little. I guess I deserved that for getting too cocky that day.
My friend, Leah, with the heart though... "Just you two first." So it was like that. He put an arm around my shoulder and grinned. That was our picture. Leah made sure to stand at the end when we took a selca.
That day, he saw Leah more than he saw me. It was as if I weren't there. His eyes stayed focused on her, the one he used to have a crush on but never had a relationship with. His questions and words were meant to be directed to the both of us, but his attention was fixed on Leah, even when I jumped in with an answer. He went right back to her.
When I looked in the mirror that morning, I was so confident that by looking so strong that there was no way he could hurt me, no way to disappoint me. That make-up and feminine style was my form of armor, but in the end, Yeongwoo's cluelessness and apathy still broke through and my heart shattered even more.
I've always been that kind of man
You've always been that kind of woman
Let's become each other's enemies
Very slowly, little by little
Becoming enemies
Very slowly, little by little
Yeongwoo leaves me Facebook comments occasionally/rarely. They never hint at the fact that we ever had any sort of close relationship; they're usually sort of meaningless things.
College life has drowned him out of my life, and I'm thankful that our relationship didn't last long or else it would have taken longer to heal. He gave me confidence, gave me hope, gave me experience, gave me memories, but everything, he tainted and took back little bit by little bit with his apathy.
I learned to hate Yeongwoo Lee, but in a bittersweet sort of way. I never lost myself completely to him because I only saw him as a temporary person in my heart. I thank him for everything, but I hate him for taking it all back. All I have are these memories, skewed through time and washed out emotions.
I don't really remember what you looked like, how you sounded, or how you truly felt about me. So please, let's hate each other.
End.
I took the time to write this whole story because I needed to be reminded how this boy had changed me positively, but also because I wanted everyone to know what sorts of stories can happen in real life. Scenarios are all fiction, but they stem from something real, at least from a small hint of truth. With the completion of this personal series of mine, I say sincerely, that I hope that everyone can experience a real love story that was better than my own.
