I was fine. But I just randomly started bawling. I don't know why. And the more I kept questioning why I was crying, the harder I started to cry. I don't know. I guess it's cuz I'm just sitting here and I don't have anything to do. I'm used to being occupied, whether it be with homework, cleaning, etc. but I guess the pressure of not really having any obligation to do something crashed down on me. It's oxymoronic, I know. But. I dunno. And it was the kind of crying that leaves you gasping and hiccupping for air. That's how you spell it, right? Hiccupping? With 2 p's? Or is it 2 c's and a p? Or is it 1 c and 2 p's? No, that can't be right; I know there's 2 p's. Ah, well, clearly-- I don't know. It's been years since I've cried like this, but it's been kind of frequent the past month or so. I dunno. I just had this overwhelming feeling swallow me whole and it's like I was being filled with these little microscopic parasites, crawling everywhere inside of me. Everytime I reached up to wipe my tears away, my face felt all tingly as soon as my hands left it-- Like the parasites accumulated on those particular areas. I don't know. I just. I dunno. It's weird though. Y'know? For the first time in a while, I felt content with myself. I was beginning to get better, I thought. And then everything came crashing down on me, emotionally and mentally and I'm back to square 1. Again. People tell me that venting helps. Talking about it helps. That bottling it all up just makes it worse. Well, I tried venting. I talk about my feelings on paper, and here. But it doesn't really help. If anything, it just makes it worse. I guess I'm just used to keeping to myself. Repeating my problems out loud, and to other people, nonetheless, just makes the spoken subjects even more of a reality and it all just sinks in 10x deeper. They tell me that venting helps. Talking about it helps. That bottling it all up just makes it worse. But what if I've just bottled up everything for so long, that the contents that are reluctantly yearning to pour out...is infinite? Another oxymoron. Or is that a paradox? Maybe. I don't know.
