Kindness for the stranger me
I have been feeling low since yesterday. My lunar days are approaching and I guess my hormones are prepping my body to re-enter the internal cycle of death-rebirth-life. I feel very lonely (my partner is far away) and my friends do not answer my messages out of their being too busy right now. Yesterday I had a few nice moments though and I need to remind myself to be grateful for them and to revel in their sweetness to give me strength for the low present. I woke up still exhausted from the end of my renovation work at my Mom’s. While it’s been a superb hit when she came back on Sunday, utterly surprised and mindblewn, I have had a hard time to mentally let go of the project and of my workmate, the painter. On Sunday – he had left in the middle of the night after the longest renovation saturday ever, I was left alone cleaning and rearranging for my Mom’s arrival expected in the early hours of the evening. I felt like a withdrawal syndrom, missing his presence and support a lot. 2-week teamwork binds you strongly. And the adrenaline adds it own share. Luckily, he had to come back yesterday evening to get his check from my Mom and while she annoyed the 2 of us with her requests for a few small and not so small fixes, his soft and round energy healed me from a long and slow afternoon, and from anxiety-generating discussions with my Mom-the-ever-hoarder at lunch. Earlier in the day, I had slowly woken up, allowing myself to sleep in as I could still feel a general exhaustion imprinting on me; I had then let myself have a sweet moment with my Yoni which helped me reconnect with the lower part of my body, after so many days of mentalizing everything. I then went for a good run which furthered this feeling of anchoring reconnection and serene emptiness. The few stolen moments with the painter in the street, far from my Mom, was another warm space in a cold and grey day. Today is again a s/low day and I have to spend it travelling for 5 hours to get to a medical appointment. It’s been hard to get ready this morning but I’m doing it, one minute at a time. I am now creatively writing instead of working on my research as I can feel that my brain is not focused as it should be for analytical work. It is okay. I will be okay. I am loved. I love myself. Slow is kindness. I am listening to myself, learning about myself every second of the way. Speaking in a kind voice to the stranger that is me these days. A pleasure to meet me, again and again.