Apr 15, 2022
in a very weird point in my life where i know that im not emotionally or mentally ready for a relationship but the lack of a romantic connection is a physical pain
seen from Türkiye
seen from United States
seen from Singapore
seen from Australia
seen from Singapore
seen from United States
seen from Belgium
seen from Nigeria
seen from China
seen from United States
seen from France
seen from Yemen
seen from Singapore
seen from Russia
seen from Canada
seen from Bangladesh
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from Germany
seen from Malaysia
in a very weird point in my life where i know that im not emotionally or mentally ready for a relationship but the lack of a romantic connection is a physical pain
if i was a normally functioning adult and the sequence of events that just occurred to me occurred, i would emergency call my therapist. but i'm not. so instead i'm performing negative self talk on the floor of my childhood bedroom
Everything was beautiful and nothing hurt.
25 things I learned before 26
1 There's no rush.
Life is a marathon and should be treated as one. I thought I would be famous, rich, and absolutely fabulous by 30. I still have time to get there but I must admit my priorities have changed.
2 Nothing is promised.
You gotta work my brotha's and sista's. As a spoiled middle class child from the womb of the baby boomer generation I thought life would just go my way. It's easy to keep this illusion as you hit benchmark after benchmark as a student, but once you're out in the real world you quickly learn that it's all up to you.
3 The best men aren't afraid to show their femininity.
We always want the bad boy growing up. The tough guy. The guy that just won't look your direction, (until he does!) and then he doesn't anymore. Don't waste your time on him. Even when you make the catch, he won't treat you quite right. I've found that all the men my friends and I have settled down with have a streak of femininity that they don't mind letting out. They adore women. Not just their lovers but all women, and are proud of having a touch of it within themselves. No matter if they seem a little gay on the dance floor every now and then (and as a consequence of this you might have to put a queen or two in their place that he is in fact YOURS).
4 You will cry after drinking a whole bottle of wine.
The end. They might even be happy giggly tears if you're lucky.
5 Don't mix liquors when on a drinking binge.
You will barf a lot either that night or definitely the next morning. This is not worth the pitcher of sangria, bottle of red wine, tequila shots, two stellas, vodka cranberry, and Irish car bombs that you ended the night with. The faster you learn this, the better off you will be. And this brings me to my next point...
6 Never finish your night with Irish car bombs.
The morning after will sit in your memory forever and you will no longer be able to take an irish car bomb on St. Patty's day, which is a very sad consequence. You WILL still be able to drink too much and meet a stranger on a train who you for some reason think is a gentlemen and invite him back to your place for a smoke- just to find out he's a Harvard frat boy gone banker AND a terrible kisser who you immediately push out by pretending you have other plans.
7 Never pick up guys on the subway.
There are obviously exceptions to this rule, but let's start with the rule and not the exception.
8 Know what you want.
It's that simple. The more you know, visualize, and fight- the closer you will get. I'm still fighting with this one in my career sector, but with love it was really that easy. Or it turned out to be that easy. The month I decided that I wouldn't be with anyone I liked (in bed that is) until we were completely monogamous was the month Jason and I started dating. YOU HAVE TO KNOW WHAT YOU WANT. If you want to just hook up, fine. Then don't sleep with the guy or girl you're imagining as your partner. You should just be hooking up with people you don't see a future with (but feel comfortable with and obviously respect you!). You want a relationship? Make that person work for it. Make yourself work for it. Enjoy the small stuff and don't dive in. It'll be truer then you ever imagined once you get to the finish line.
9 Learning isn't just for your youth.
Its a journey you gotta keep up till your dying day. You are a student of this planet. It's not just reserved for climbing the latter from elementary, to middle, to high school; going from awkward phase to awkward phase and confused what the hell you're doing here besides sleeping through 2nd period and waiting for your life to start once you get to college. College flies by with some professors who rocked your world and others who just wasted your time, much is the same with parties you attended and the friends you made. Then you're left with everything you accumulated and they say- go, and you realize just how good you had it, and guess what? Now its all up to you. You could go back and get even more in debt, but these days the internet connects you to resources online and in your community that you really don't have to. READ. Keep growing. Find the discipline you'll need to be both instructor and student. Move. Stretch. Seek.
10 They lied to us.
Life isn't perfect. You're not the most special person in the world with all the most special gifts who will get all the special things you want. Democracy isn't mans greatest creation. Capitalism is actually the number one enemy of humanity and our environment (and our democracy). America is number one in defense but nothing else. I don't want to offend, but guys... they lied to us. Our society is far from perfected and far from in our control. Read up, expand your mind, and don't give in to all you see. Ignorance is bliss (or more so convenient) but soon we're not going to have a planet for your children to live on- so you better cut that shit out.
11 Not everyone is going to like you.
Don't fight it. Don't feel like shit about it. AND don't feed into their judgement. Just be you, have good intentions, and they usually wake up to it someday. If not, fuck'em.
12 Life is about hard work.
Not just in your career, but also in your well being. You're not going to have great physical strength if you don't work on it. You're not going to have a healthy inside if you don't work on it. You're not going to have a strong state of mind if you don't work on it. Shit, you're not even going to have strong relationships if you don't work on em'! Each department of your life takes great care and diligence to make better. It takes knowledge and passion to be greater. A healthy body, a strong heart, and a clear mind (and good people!) are the tools you're going to need to conquer this long as marathon were running. You never know whats around the corner and what tool you're going to need as strong as possible to help get you through.
13 You have to save yourself.
My dad died. He died my junior year of college. And then my lover of a couple years left me in the same stretch. I'm sure you could guess that at the end I was kind of fucked up. I was sad. I was a bit hopeless. But, most of all I was mad at myself. Mad at myself for being sad, and angry, and all those terrible emotions that come up with personal tragedy.
You know, all those emotions that you're supposed to feel.
So I did the only thing a person can do and I pressed on (and cried for a full year). I acted in some of my best work that year, I expanded my social circle with the kindest and most adventurous people, I said yes more then no, and I went to a therapist. All of these experiences contributed to a new perspective and the best version of me to date, but I was the one who became brave enough to do it all. I was the one who stood up to the worst part of my life. I was the one who turned that anger at myself into love. into tenderness. into confidence. into hope. So in times of trouble or pain don't be afraid to dive in and reach out. Don't be afraid to feel. Your happiness in the end is all up to you. No lover, friend, job can magically fix it all. It's you. You golden child of the universe bursting with light and love. It's you.
14 All feelings are only temporary.
Have you heard that saying "this too shall pass"? Well it's a good one and it's oh so true. Every embarrassing moment you've ever had you will come to laugh at in a couple of years. All broken hearts and fallen egos will eventually heal. Every regret you will come to find peace with. So feel it. Allow it. Don't cover it up with a vice or an excuse. You won't learn from it and be able to move past it if you do- and we wouldn't want that would we?
15 You're not always going to get it right.
There are going to be some mistakes here and there. Some choices that lead to a dead end. Some faults you find within yourself that deserve some time to explore and work out. It's all gravy baby. You live, you learn, and you move onto something or someone better.
16 Don't take shit too seriously.
I'm talking about the petty stuff. The concert you missed because your tickets were actually for the day before. The favorite scarf that you took to Puerto Rico, to New York, and back that suddenly is nowhere to be found as you sift through your wardrobe for the tenth time. That rather large rude woman that nudged you a bit too hard (and intentionally) on the A train. Brush it off and let it go. We've got bigger things to worry about. We gotta change the world.
17 Show up.
This is one of my favorites for its pure simplicity. You have to take the chance. You have to show up and see what happens. Nothing good is ever going to happen if you don't show up and give it all you've got. Who cares if it's not the right choice? If it's right for you it'll work out.
18 Some relationships just don't work out. They just don't.
We know it in the romantic sense, but when it comes to friends we're all a bit naive. Friendships come and go. Sometimes not even for a particular reason but just because. You'll find another crew that suits your current lifestyle. Promise.
19 Pass on judgement.
It's really unbecoming and makes you look like 1. an ass or 2. insecure or 3. both. Everyone on this planet has come from a different background, with different experiences, and different hopes for the future. Give everyone the benefit of the doubt and don't be too concerned why people do things or why they are a certain way. Stay in the moment and enjoy what you can.
20 Be kind.
It will do wonders for you and everyone around you.
21 Fake it till you become it.
We've all taken that job we blurred lines on our resume for- just to show up and have no idea what the hell we are doing. Gone to the dinner party where anxiety takes over as you realize you're the only one new to the cliquy crew. It's all good right? But, really it's not. Everyone who became a professional started off as an amateur. Everyone started at the bottom to make it to the top. So fake it. Sell it. Smile through it. Trust yourself to learn it and slowly become it.
22 The early bird really does get the worm.
The earlier you wake up the more tasks will be conquered on your long laundry list of to-do's. Go to bed early. Wake up early. Rock it out. You'll feel better for it. Waking up at 7 or 8 am isn't just for your nutrition/work obsessed aunt. However, please do allow a good 12 hour sleep-in-sesh every now and then. Let's just call it an ode to your early 20's.
23 Take pride.
In all that you do. I'm talking ALL of it. Moment to moment, task to task. You're only setting yourself up for success in the future by doing it right the first time. This I need to apply to cleaning my stove after cooking cause you lookin' nasty sista'.
24 Follow your intuition.
It knows best. Maybe its the part of you that's connected with the whole rest of the universe. This animalistic all knowing instinct. Don't deny it. I mean you probably will ( see #15) but just try your best not to.
25 Stay young at heart.
One time Jason and I went to pick apples with some friends at an apple picking festival of sorts. He asked me to dance. I said okay. We started walking up to the abandoned dance floor at the very foot of the stage. Everyone in the audience had only eyes for us as we started getting down- just us two. As nervous as I was to be in front of a new and unforeseen audience, I just looked at him and let go.
Song 1 they clapped for us. Song 2 half the crowd got up and joined us. It was one of the best moments of my life that made me love Jason more than I ever thought possible. I gotta say we lit that place up. We struck a match and the community started a a whole fire. The band kept playing and the community got closer- dancing, laughing, and clapping the day away.
Stay young at heart. Take chances. Act silly. Shine on. You never know who you're going to rub off on and how much your going to thank yourself for it. It's just so much more fun this way.
(Those I didn't list but want to- Be Gracious, GIVE BACK, Don't get too many cats, Live life while listening to Disco, Drug use is fine as long as you're safe and smart about it, There is no crying in baseball, Stretch, Be self aware but not self conscience, Don't buy groceries you think are healthy but know you really won't eat.)
You Don't Have To Be A Hot Mess In Your 20's (abridged)
Sometimes when I read articles on the internet about what it’s like to be a “young person,” I feel like I might be the most boring person alive. I don’t have a pill addiction, and I’m still not quite sure what Xanax is. Is it one of Jupiter’s moons, like Io’s wacky cousin? Or was Xanax the girl of the 21stcentury? I’ve never been that into partying or doing self-consciously wild things so I can nostalgize it later, like that episode of Girls where Hannah expects to have a Big Revelation after doing coke, only to find out the experience kind of sucks. I’m like a White Stripes song, single but not that broken up about it, looking but not desperate, lonely but I ain’t that lonely yet.
We look at this time in our lives as this point where we are infinitely uncertain and are still figuring ourselves out, where we are expected to try everything and make every mistake. In a weird way, it’s like we are encouraged to fuck up and be complete selfish assholes because we’ll learn from it later. When we make complete idiots out of ourselves, we have a way of bragging about it, as if we cracked the code. We’re unfinished now, but don’t worry. We’ll become finished later.
When I watch Girls – which is ostensibly supposed to be about people like me, the Generation Getting Their Shit Together — I look at people I fundamentally can’t relate to.
I don’t hold myself up for being different or unique; I’m perfectly average and incredibly dull. In fact, I pale in comparison to my classmates. Assholes. All of them. Beautiful assholes.
Some 20-somethings are staying at home with their cat or calling their grandmother to check in on her, cooking for a friend who can’t afford food this month or volunteering their free time to do something more than sit on their couch. Sometimes they just go to bed early. The more you live as a 20-something, the more you find out it’s not that different than any other age. You just have less money.
I once asked a therapist of mine how old she was when she got her life together, and she burst into spontaneous laughter. She asked me, “What makes you think I have it figured out? You might have it more together than I do.”
But at some point you have to stop believing the worst about yourself and those around you and stop being your own worst enemy. There’s nothing wrong with your flaws; they are beautiful and a part of you, and you will always be a partially broken, not-quite-formed person. That doesn’t mean you can’t still go out and achieve great things, or that there aren’t parts of your life that are put together.
The only person keeping you a hot mess is you. You need to believe that you can be better than that. You need to believe in yourself.
ThoughtCatalog: Nico Lang,
March 6, 2013
The Chapters of Your Life
Sometimes I feel like it's the end of the world and then I remember that I've only lived so many lives in my 23 years. Because I'm a writer, I look at the past almost as if it is marked with titles.
If you could write the book of your life, what would the chapters be called?
Here are mine. I'd say tread delicately as you read, as this is my past and present I share with you, but you probably won't get most of these titles unless you know me very, very well. :).
P.S. Isn't it weird that some years stand out so clearly, but others feel blurred together with nothing I can immediately recall? I'm sure it's like this for others out there, too. No wonder cameras were invented.
Age 1-2: Just a Babe
Age 3-4: The First Obstacle: Losing Breath in the Deep End
Age 4-5: Fields of Buttercups
Age 6: Lawrenceville's Little Artist
Age 7: The Bullies of Stockton (and the Girl Across the Street)
Age 8: Cookies with Kerri
Age 9: Rollerskating and Bikerides
Age 10: I Feel (Mostly) Accepted
Age 11: The Purple, Beaded Diary
Age 12: Lockers and Lauren O.
Age 13: New Girl, Shy Girl
Age 14: High School!? I'm Not Ready Yet
Age 15: A New Best Friend and The Drama of a Group
Age 16: Tripod Sweet 16
Age 17: Why Do My Clothes Suck, I-Want-A-Boyfriend (And a Car)
Age 18: Puppy Love and College, My Great Escape
Age 19: The Era of B
Age 20: Suitemates, Year 2
Age 21: Easton Ave, Senior Year Part 1
Age 22: Graduation and First Love
Age 23: Two Jobs in a Year: Beginnings and Ends (To Be Continued...)
You will fall in love with smells, the good and the bad kind. You will want to wear your lovers shirt because it makes you feel close to them and you’re okay with being that PYSCHO who is legitimately sniffing their shirt in public. You will fall in love with sweat, certain perfumes, the smell of the season in which you fell in love. This particular love smells like fall. It smells like Halloween and a roaring fire and leaves and fog and mist and candy and food and family and whiskey and sex and the lint that collects on sweaters. When it ends, if it ends, you will never experience another fall without thinking of him, her, it. The memories will stick to the ground like a mound of leaves and will only dissipate when the weather drops.
Read more at http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/the-types-of-people-you-will-fall-in-love-with-in-your-20s/#YAjkkuKoPeCIx43R.99