#yoursnotyours

[yours-notyours]

Listen/purchase: Yours/NotYours by Azrael Encarnacion

[yours-notyours]

Last Stop

BUT I’LL ALWAYS BE NEAR

Thank you to any and everyone who visits this page to check out my work. Whether you’re returning or discovering Yours/NotYours for the first time, welcome! Despite the project being released in 2017, I never fully set up the online text supplementary material I initially intended for the album. The original vision was: the album, this journal blog, and the instagram account (where I spent most of my time tbh). But let’s not dwell too long on the messy but beautiful past—What’s important is that we’re fully here now. And the intended vision, is now manifested, with maybe more surprises to come!

In the meantime, if you wish to purchase Yours/NotYours, the EP is available on Bandcamp. The Bandcamp link at the blog menu will lead you directly to it. If you have no need of the digital album and prefer to stream it instead, you can do so at any of the music streaming platforms (I have a link for Spotify also on the blog menu). 

For more of my writing and to stay updated with my newer work, check out Primitive Prime! Lab, my online journal publication launched on September 2021. The journal is a creative thought-space where I’ll further explore themes of self-development and self-transformation; while also sharing playlist and any new projects I undertake. It’s where I’ll share more essays and highlight the work of creative friends also doing work I’m rooting for so we can all bloom. If that sounds like something you’d be interested in taking a peek, the link for that is up at the blog menu as well.

Much love, much peace and all good vibes everything!

-AE

[yours-notyours]

OUT OF THE TUNNEL

Freedom of Intentional Living

by Azrael Encarnacion (photo by JeNYC Photography)

When I began Yours/NotYours, I never intended to quit my job upon its release. But as Friday, February 17, 2017 approached, I knew I wouldn’t be satisfied any other way. This short collection of songs that mainly dealt with departure, possession, letting go and starting anew simply  encouraged it. Quitting, in my mind, was just an exercise in practicing what I preach. We all create stories for ourselves and one I had narrated repeatedly for years, was that my job was holding me back. That to focus my attention and energy on music the way I would like to, I needed to jettison a few things, the job I had held for 6 years being one of the primary weights. And whether that was true or not was irrelevant because this story became an excuse; and the excuse itself was real. By removing the job, I removed the excuse. In doing so, I finally stepped out into the light, out of the tunnel.

The tunnel is where we abstract our vision. It’s a place of limitation and darkness, with artificial light (if any). Despite all this, the tunnel is also comfortable and familiar. You get accustomed to the restrictions, you learn not to bump into certain corners and avoid stepping into the same puddles–So there’s the illusion of growth. Mentally, you accept the cold wet air, it too becoming a daily experience. The more you stay, the stranger the outside world becomes. The light seems like poisonous radiation and the open air, unfamiliar and as unpredictable as that of another planet’s. This uncertainty carries over to your vision, what if I get lost out there? What if I fail? What if I lose everything I have now?

But what did I have? If it was so satisfying why wasn’t I satisfied? If I couldn’t live out my purpose from where I was, then remaining there, or at the very least not taking steps to move on, was already a failure. I worried I’d be lost, yet where was I? If it wasn’t where I wanted to be–Isn’t that just as ‘dis-located’?

When you step out of the tunnel it’s as frightening as it is liberating. It’s not easy and you’ll feel pressure, stress, and honestly you might even miss the tunnel. But if you’re actively focusing your time + energy efficiently, if you clear out the distractions and negative relationships, you’ll find yourself planted in your own actions with fuller proprietorship. This is what’s often referred to as living life with intention. In a way, it’s giving your life a mission statement and from that point on, sticking as best you can to the plan. And while you can have dreams and goals you may want to reach, living life with intention is not a destination, it’s a never ending project requiring self-maintenance.

It’s a discovery worth pursuing, regardless the risk. The alternative is remaining in the dark, comfortable but unfulfilled. You may discover what you were after all along is what you had in the tunnel, but even then, the tunnel ceases to be because now you know what you want and can focus on creating that experience for yourself versus blindly accepting it because you didn’t want to try. And even not trying is okay if you accept and are truly satisfied with that decision. But so long as there’s enough doubt, so long as you feel restless and underutilized, you’ll find the mettle in your heart pulled as it were by a magnet on the outside.

So take the leap of faith. It’ll be difficult but worth it. Even at times when you fail, even when things don’t go right and you begin to pine, like a nostalgic ex-lover, for the tunnel–Keep in mind why you left, all you’ve accomplished since then; and especially those wondrous little moments when you weren’t particularly chiseling away at your dream or grinding out the steps to your goals; but rather just existing out there. Out of the tunnel. Freely. On your own terms because you were brave and honest enough to do so.

[yours-notyours]

[yours-notyours]

[yours-notyours]

Communicator

THE VALUE OF SPEAKING UP

Speaking up is an important part of communication but it can get awkward sometimes. It may be to clarify an opinion or to ask that an uncertain one be clarified. Or to correct a misrepresentation or set a boundary. Or even to admit what we don’t know but are expected to or to identify what we expect but aren’t receiving--Depending on who we’re communicating with, speaking up can potentially be uncomfortable. But however nerve wracking as it may be, it’s a habit worth practicing. The result of course, may vary, but one welcomed side effect is people have access to what’s on your mind, and with that, are given an opportunity to better understand and engage with you as a person.

None of us are, as of yet, telepaths. But that fact works to undermine the magic of language. Through it, we can share thoughts from mind to mind, we just have to bottle them up in containers called symbols which we speak, write, or sign to one another. The thoughts themselves are also the bottled up approximation of feelings. Which are hard to fully define when there are no words to encapsulate them, as is frustratingly the case when a person speaks more than one language and tries to translate certain words that have no exact equivalent in the other language. Yet somehow, because we’ve isolated noises, scribbles, scratches and gestures to hold collective meaning, we can exchange a nuanced variety of otherwise inexpressible feelings.

For its connective capacity and reach, language was like the internet before the internet. And we would be part-time suckers to not revel in this marvelous invention and utilize it to speak up whenever necessary. But sometimes other factors come into play.

The main one, I think, is fear.

We fear the result. Speaking up, after all, usually happens when something is off. A conflict between our inner selves and an external situation. A crooked line that needs to be set straight but to do so may require a confrontation. A moment where pleasantness is interrupted to point out a mistake or admit one; to feel judged, or humiliated, vulnerable and subject to objections or defensive, and maybe even, unpredictable behavior. And while true, speaking up can just as likely result in acknowledgement, praise, understanding, or gratitude--Our past experiences may make some of us more apprehensive about the uncertainty of how our thoughts may be received.

I wish neither to say trauma is easy to overcome nor that context shouldn’t be taken into account when speaking up. But in some instances trauma isn’t the issue and the context actually supports, rather than discourages, the clarification. For instance, if someone mispronounces your name (or calls you by a different one altogether) you would want to correct them. If you don’t, they would literally be perceiving you as someone you are not. The confusion might vary in seriousness depending on who the person is and where the mistake occurs. At work for instance, you can imagine how this mistake might branch off into a series of further awkward moments like many a sitcom might explore. Is it worth remaining silent to simply spare the initial person the smaller discomfort of being corrected?

There might be some disagreement as to which discomfort is actually the smaller offense to endure. One may also question whether insisting others suffer because one is suffering is fair. And with good reason, such logic quacks too close to eye-for-an-eye. So then 1:  Let’s just say both offenses are equal. And 2: Let’s make a distinction between someone hurting you (making you suffer) and someone allowing you to suffer alone. The example of the wrong name, is the latter case in so much as it’s like someone letting you carry a heavy weight for them, up a flight of steps--And despite they’re physically capable of helping, instead proceed empty handed. If you’re struggling with the weight, you can either pretend you’re not (and suffer alone) or ask for help. Speaking up to correct someone about your name is to share the discomfort which has been created and to follow it up by attempting to collaborate in “carrying” the resolution together.

This is why speaking up can seem intimidating because it might require more effort, more steps, more communication. It’s the inevitability of holding a personal truth, in this example the correct name, and having to show up for this truth, if it is in fact true to you. The interaction, the clarifying conversation is an important one to have. The energy you bring into it, as well as how yours is received. It may have been harder than letting things be, but that’s what makes it special and worth pursuing, especially if the easier option involves you suffering alone and possibly harboring resentment toward both the person and yourself.

It can feel very lonely to be judged, ridiculed or dismissed, but it’s also quite lonely to hold your tongue and not express yourself.

To self-quarantine in the subjective spotlight of your mind, from which you swoon the absent audience of an empty theatre with your rapturous soliloquy! The endless observations and definitions pouring like champagne on Bastille Day. The secret performance. Measuring every action, theorizing every future. And starring a self-projection which you aim for; an ideal version of who you wish to be. The ‘higher self’ dressed in all your potential. But this ideal is no more than a shadow, without any real reach or grip of its own on the physical world, other than what we act out with our physical bodies.

As a species we evolved in groups, isolation often meant death. Fear of banishment is still real, and we often use prisons and public shaming as modern effective versions of exile. Retirement homes and asylums also espouse that same energy of places to rid societies of those individuals deemed no longer able to function within it. To be trapped in your head, is itself a type of banishment; a mental prison for which the practice of expressing yourself can continually unlock doors and sneak you past the guards. Hell, it’ll get the guards on your side! But it isn’t enough to do it when it’s easy, it’s actually almost more important to communicate and express yourself when it’s challenging.

This may be to the general point that there’s value in facing adversity. That testing one’s convictions actually strengthens them. It isn’t the only way but there’s something to this idea that standing up against oppositional energy chisels out the confidence to express yourself via words and actions (since communicating requires physical representations of psychic thought). The better you become at this, the more conversations you’re able to have without fear--Ideally counterbalancing the freedom to express yourself with the capacity to also listen, and hold space for those who wish to communicate with you, and speak their truth up.

Despite being good at listening to others speak up, I tend to struggle with doing it myself. Communication will eventually bump into the requirement to speak truthfully. It can be time consuming to give an honest response in every exchange, followed up by a conversation to iron out the kinks. Reserving candor for closer relationships might be more useful than walking around as if you’ve been injected with truth serum. But for me, the habit of omission can trickle into those closer relations at the growing expense of continually misrepresenting myself. And with that misrepresentation, come interactions that keep the doors to the theatre shut, and the mad thespian, shouting monologues from under an iron mask. The thing is, only I can remove the face cage, and open those doors. Only I can raise the volume.

I’ve learned no one knows what you want. It’s not as obvious as you think. Not everyone knows how to treat you or how to satisfy you. You have to meet them halfway. By remaining consistent between internal and external expression of yourself, you’ll manifest who you are and how you wish to participate with the world--And in turn, how the world can make use of you, which I believe it should. The ways in which this self is challenged when forced to speak up, exercises integrity and commitment. Of course, this too can become misguided and abused to speak up in bad faith. That is, not to stand up or clarify yourself but to posture your ego and self-importance. This pantomime tends to drown out who you are on the inside, replacing their heartfelt adlib with an outer persona who’s acting out from fear of not being respected or admired.

What’s dangerous about this, is we tend to believe what we say if we say it often enough, again, a credit to the magic of language.

Words are vessels for thoughts and feelings. They were created by us to transfer ideas back and forth. Culture preserves language to free every new generation from having to create their own symbols from scratch. A tricky endeavor because without language you would have to first realize that such a thing as language is possible.

Communication brings us closer, allowing us to express our emotions and avoid unnecessary anxieties by talking and explaining things out. Our ancestors did this, and brought about a social dimension that often required us to love and teach one another. Children have an obvious curiosity to catch up and figure the world out, their young minds woken by the fires of consciousness. At first they focus on the world at large and how it functions but eventually, having that, on more solid footing, they become young adults and set their sights on themselves and others. We all desire connection and want to understand the needs of those we connect with,...The only catch is they have to speak up...And so do we.

[yours-notyours]

[yours-notyours]

USING TAROT TO SELF-INVESTIGATE

Taking a Candle into Your Subconscious Mind

by Azrael Encarnacion

At the end of 2016, I began gaining interest in numerology. Despite having received a book on the subject a few years back, it wasn’t until a friend suggested I try a free online numerology report, that it clicked. By “clicking” what I mean is I have a color-coded spreadsheet in my Google Docs for numerological entries I’ve since obsessively collected. We can talk about that another time.

Researching the meaning of numbers though, I soon discovered they were just as an important part of the Tarot as the illustrated images. Each card being numbered, they followed an ascending story or spiritual journey based on the principles of numerology.  

What little I knew of numerology back then, I knew even less about Tarot. However, I was curious enough to purchase a deck and stare them down for a week or two before I began to shuffle and draw cards to do readings on myself. All in all, what I found was a tool, much like a morning mirror to check in with. To see where I am and what’s happening on the surface and how it correlates on a deeper level with what’s happening on the inside.

At first, the cards can definitely seem intimidating. They’ve been around since at least the 15th Century, then known in Italy simply as playing cards called “Trionfi,” (Triumph of Trump). But unlike normal playing decks we still use today for Poker or Spades with 52-54 cards, the Trionfi set was a little different.

What set them apart were the additional 22 cards that made up the trump suit. These are the Major Arcana of the Tarot, beginning with 0 / The Fool and ending with XXI / The World (some decks begin with I / The Magician and end with XXII / The Fool).

The remaining 56 cards, or Minor Arcana, are made up of the 4 suits: Chalices, Wands, Pentacles, and Swords. Each suit has 14 cards, consisting of 10 pip cards (1-10) and 4 face cards (King, Queen, Knight, and Page). That’s 78 cards in total! And every one of those cards has its individual meaning which can alternate depending what it’s paired with and on what side it’s drawn (right side up or reversed). It can seem like a comprehensive nightmare but in all honesty, what I’ve realized to be the most difficult part of the Tarot, is explaining how it works to others.  

This is because there is no definite right way. Obviously, the cards can be used to play a game. At one point it was the most popular card game in all Europe, which to me, knowing only the divinatory tarot, sounds hella weird--Like using UNO cards in a fortune reading (to which a “draw four” would fuck my whole day up).

In terms of divination, the Tarot exercises our intuition, which is based on our individual experiences. Certain imagery engages us in unique ways, much like a rorschach test with ink blots, prompting associations from our subconscious mind. Cards will mean different things to us individually. Likewise, we’ll have our own preferences for how to spread the drawn cards and why to pull them in the first place.

Some people pull or have cards read for them to gain insight on the future and how best to prepare for it. Others do so to take inventory of their present actions and thoughts + how to maintain life at their best vibration. There’s all sorts of reasons but what’s at the core here?

I asked my homegirl, Lucia, a licensed massage therapist currently living in Tampa, FL, who’s used Tarot cards longer than I have (she was the one who gave me that numerology book) and she put it perfectly. “It’s just like using a candle in a dim room--We already know what we’re looking for in there, it’s just not well lit.”

Lucia uses the Tarot to bring more clarity and detail to her predictions/intuitions. She feels the imagery along with the numbers and other symbolism help set a story to her feelings or abstract ideas.

Yes, clarity! Whether you’re looking at the future, the present, your relationships, career, etc. Tarot readings provide a clarity through the metaphorical narrative found in the interpretations and their relevant connection to our lives. It gives us a deeper exploration we normally wouldn’t pursue. The Tarot tilts the angle, tricks our mind to give up information possibly because of its inherent game-like nature.

Divination comes from the random cards that are drawn. The selection is served to us by the universe. You can put as much weight on that as you’d like but the fact remains, by revisiting your thoughts under the story told by the cards, we investigate ourselves thoroughly and thus arrive at deeper revelations.

Also in Florida, my other homie, artist/graphic designer, Nia Perry, who illustrated her own deck to further personalize her readings, told me the universe communicates with us via sound, imagery, and feeling. She views her “Self” as a fragment of that higher intelligence. “My use of Tarot stems from my belief that the universe is intelligent and has a larger perspective of time and space than I ever could.” This perspective offers clarity when our five senses can go no further. Again clarity!

But Nia reminds me of the idea that our subconsciousness is part of that bigger entity. It’s the channel that’s forever tuned in regardless if, on the surface, we’re not. The subconscious absorbs more information, it acts without our permission, sometimes to our regretful detriment. An active relationship with our subconscious mind is an active relationship with that channel through which the universe has direct access.

I use the Tarot to tap into that channel. It’s already in my mind but as Lucia stated, it’s in a dark room for which a candle is helpful. Will I always need a candle for that room? Maybe not, but Life’s journey, for me, is one that takes you from new room to new room. Its that Radiohead music video for Daydreaming, in which lead singer, Thom Yorke walks through door after door.

In addition to clarity and universal alignment, what’s perhaps most engaging for me about the Tarot and why it works as an effective self-maintenance tool to guide my conscious mind toward balance is the fact that it requires creativity. I get so wrapped up in figuring out the “jigsaw puzzle” that I forget the completed picture is a self portrait. One that indeed resonates + makes me check certain behaviors or offer more energy where it’s needed.

Imagine playing Connect Four and when the game ends you realize, as you were trying to connect those four discs, the activity helped you ruminate on current ideas, events and relationships in your life. And perhaps helped you think up creative solutions to any worries concerning them--Imagine if the only reason you did so just then, is because you thought you were just playing Connect Four and didn’t think shit would get this real!

That said, I wouldn’t know how to tell you when and how you should incorporate Tarot in your life. It could very well not be for you. You could have that same self-discourse via dreams or certain types of meditation, therapy, journal writing, or fuck it maybe even Connect Four!

What’s important is you do check in from time to time to see how you’re doing. Especially if you sense self-sabotage or a disconnect between your thoughts and your actions. How can you be you if so much is happening on autopilot, informed by a secret room your conscious mind is not permitted entrance to. Your most primal of emotions operate at a level similar to extreme sound frequencies, too low or high for the human ear to register but they still affect the air--Likewise, these emotions still affect our inner space, influencing actions on the outside.

If you’re curious about Tarot cards as I was and are wondering if you should get your hands on a deck My reply is that you’ve already answered your own question. There’s no wrong way to start and despite the different decks, spreads, tutorials, testimonials, etc. the one thing necessary is your intuition and an open mind.