Dear you,
(This has not been proof-read)
You treat me like trash. You treat me like I don’t matter, like I’m not special, like I’m not important. And it sucks. You’re the first person I think of when I wake up in the morning, and when I go to sleep at night. I think about you all day long actually. I wanted to marry you. I still do and I don’t know why. I wanted to have your child. Wanted to keep loving you. Maybe I just wasn’t loving you the way you needed to be loved. Maybe our love languages were just too different. And that’s OK. But you suck. You could’ve left me alone so many times. We’ve broken up so many times, and you always bother me. I could have been over you a long time ago. I wouldn’t even be going through this pain right now and I think that’s what fucks me up the most. Because I know better. You couldn’t stand the thought of me moving on and being happy with someone else. So you kept yourself in my life, regardless of how miserable I was, regardless of how much you really didn’t even want or care about me. Do you know how selfish and evil that is? You have no idea how much pain and suffering you’ve put me through this year, simply by making me feel so small. Not even worth a phone call or text message. I can’t believe that I still love you. I don’t understand how I got here. I tried to be the best girlfriend and friend to you. I just don’t know what else to do at this point but move on. I don’t think it’s supposed to hurt this much. I’ve never hurt this much over anyone. You hurt me, badly. For the last time though. You are my kryptonite. I’m staying away for good this time. My confidence is shattered every time we’re “together” or trying again. I feel ugly with you, on the outside and inside. Because what is it about me that’s so hard to want to love? I feel like I make it easy. I’m here, I don’t ask for anything, I listen to you, try to help whenever you need me, I’m attentive...I don’t know. I’ll never get it. Everyone isn’t for everybody though, so I have to stop beating myself up. Maybe it’s you and not me. I’d hate to see you with someone else. I know I’d just die inside...but despite it all, I do want you to be happy. I wish it were me though. I really do. It breaks my heart. I’m heartbroken all the time. I’ve been heartbroken for a long time now. It’s time for me to stop allowing you to break my heart. It’s time for me to stop breaking my own heart. I guess I’m just so sad because I’m going to miss the good parts about you and having someone to love. Someone to think about when I’m listening to love songs. Someone to complain about to my friends. When you were good to me, I was very happy. It’s always so extreme with you. I’m either the happiest girl in the world, or a fucking Hannah Baker. There’s something in me that still hopes it’s you at the end of it all. I wish you peace and happiness and love. You still suck though.
Nel
