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Apr 19

A silly Bandit Keith x Seto Kaiba fic

I was playing a haunted dive bar in the Sims and got inspired to write this. I might continue it if I have time.

This fic contains: Aged-up characters; mentions of past alcoholism; drunkenness; a vomit fountain, played by Seto Kaiba; an aborted marriage; hocus pocus nonsense (dive bar toilet ghost)

-O-o-O-o-O-

For once in his life, Bandit Keith had no troubles to drink away.

After that day’s string of triumphs in the dueling tournament, culminating in a greatly satisfying duel and five hundred dollars, a few victory drinks were in order. Though he’d lost the duel, it wasn’t against some easy opponent. Keith went head-to-head with Yugi Muto, King of Games: no tricks, no cheating, just pure strategy and skill.

He knew it’d be a bit much to expect a victory. His abilities had waned somewhat since the last big tournament. But he still had it. He won for his division and grabbed the runner-up spot for the whole tournament. Not bad at all. Maybe the Orichalcos mess was the kick in the ass he needed to get his shit together.

After a glass of scotch, nature called. Keith figured he’d had enough. He tipped the bartender, grabbed some salt packets (hey, they were free), and decided to use the bathroom before leaving.

He was finishing up at a urinal when he heard the retching noises coming from the last stall. He mostly ignored things like that; there was always someone who couldn’t hold his liquor. He was just glad that it wasn’t him this time.

He turned to the sinks and paused. Under the stall door, he could see a crumpled mess of white fabric. The guy had to have been wearing a dress—or a trench coat.

He remembered the tournament earlier that day. Yugi’s duel with Seto Kaiba was brutal; he’d absolutely trounced the guy. It was kind of uncharacteristic—and sad. Kaiba had definitely not brought his A-game to that tournament. Hell, he probably hadn’t even brought his C-game, which could probably beat most of the duelists in that division at their best. Keith might have been amused if it hadn’t been so embarrassing.

Keith was washing his hands when the stall door slammed open. Kaiba staggered out, his usually crisp trench coat looking like the parking ticket Keith trashed last week. He started for the door, then made a U-turn and ran to the sink. Keith had to turn away while Kaiba heaved into the sink. At least Keith was the only one in the bathroom for this new humiliation.

Keith couldn’t help but watch the mirror reflection of Kaiba wiping his mouth. He might expect this from Wheeler, but Kaiba was on a totally different level. This was just too surreal.

Kaiba glared up at Keith in the mirror. “The hell are you looking at?” he slurred.

Keith tried not to be distracted by the string of vomit dangling from Kaiba’s chin. “Never thought I’d see you here,” he answered simply.

Kaiba was about to retort, but continued to throw up into the sink. He didn’t even bother to wipe his mouth before falling into a sitting position against the wall, his knees drawn against his chest.

“Damn. How much have you had?” Keith muttered. “You got puke on your chin.”

“Enough.” Kaiba wiped his mouth with the back of his hand.

Keith wiped his hands on his pants. “You’re gonna be a sight for the people on the bus.”

Kaiba put his head on his knees. “What.”

“You can’t drive home. You can’t even walk a straight line. You’re hammered,” Keith pointed out.

“Piss off,” Kaiba growled into his legs.

Keith was too happy to oblige. He was less happy when he realized he couldn’t. “Stuck again.” He pulled at the door handle.

“Really?” The wavering really killed Kaiba’s annoyed tone.

“Yeah, it’s always like this at night.” Keith sat down near the door. Unfortunately, in the small bathroom, that meant he was right in front of Kaiba. He drummed his fingers on the tile floor.

Kaiba glowered at him. “Do you have to do that?”

Keith snickered. “Actually, yeah, I do. It keeps the ghosts away.”

Kaiba let his eyes roll theatrically. “Not this hocus-pocus nonsense again.”

“Seriously. This place is haunted.” Keith stretched his legs out. “Something about this beat scares them off.”

Kaiba put his head on his knees. “How do you get to be a top duelist being so supersti…super…believing in magic?”

Keith snickered. “How do you see all the crap that’s been happening for years and not believe in magic?” Keith asked. “I mean, you’ve had your soul stolen, what, twice now?” Keith tried not to let the memory of the Orichalcos snafu show on his face. “That’s not something you can pull off with sleight-of-hand.”

“All right already. There’s magic. Just, please…” Kaiba buried his face in his knees. “Drop it.”

“I thought you liked arguing about all that stuff. You seem to always win,” Keith pushed. He stopped tapping the floor; Kaiba looked like he wanted to bite his fingers off.

“Not now.” Kaiba’s voice carried an uncharacteristic waver.

“You’re always in Yugi’s face about it.”

“Don’t talk about Yugi.” Kaiba was now glaring at Keith through his bangs. Keith did a double take. Kaiba’s eyes were strangely glassy.

“Why not?” Keith pressed.

“Just…shut it, okay?” Kaiba folded his arms on his knees and buried his face.

Keith crawled over to him. “Hey, are you okay?” Keith dropped his mocking tone. He just wanted to get under Kaiba’s skin, not seriously mess him up (though he doubted anything he did could shake Kaiba).

Kaiba snorted his snot in a rather undignified manner. “Screw it. Like I care what you think of me.” He glared at Keith again, this time with clearer eyes. “You really want to know what happened? Yugi is a goddamn snake, that’s what happened.”

Keith raised an eyebrow. Perfect little Yugi wasn’t so innocent? “What’d he do?”

“He goes on and on about friendship and the Heart of the Cards and all that touchy-feely crap,” Kaiba spat. “He’s such a hero to everyone, like nothing he ever does can be wrong. Always talking about loving your enemy or some shit.” Kaiba gave a bitter laugh. “He can love his enemy, but he can’t love his fucking boyfriend.”

Keith blinked. It was kind of amusing that Kaiba could give one of his speeches while drunk and still make sense.

Kaiba slouched. “He can forgive Pegasus for stealing his grandpa’s soul, but he just throws me away like a busted duel disk.” Kaiba stared at a point just beyond his nose. “What was so wrong with me? Why am I not good enough? Is it because I didn’t beat him in a duel? I’m every bit as good as he is.”

Keith tittered nervously. “That’s really messed up.” He wanted to inch toward the door, but he was sort of afraid Kaiba would see and there was no telling what he might do in his state.

“No, it’s my own damn fault. I can’t believe I was so stupid. I actually—” Kaiba put his hand over his mouth and ran into the stall to throw up. It was as if the thought that he’d had feelings for Yugi was enough to make him sick. “I trusted him and he pissed all over it. Why did I expect anything different?”

Keith had lost the desire to poke at him further. Whatever Yugi did must’ve been pretty messed up for Kaiba to be carrying on like this.

In the stall, Kaiba wiped his mouth. “But why am I telling you all this? It’s not like you’d ever care. Fuck!” He pounded the toilet seat with his fists. “I must be slipping.”

Keith backed away a little. “Um…don’t you have brothers or something?” Kaiba tried to glare back at him, but was forced to dry heave into the bowl instead. “Unless you had a fight with them,” Keith guessed.

Kaiba grabbed the toilet paper to wipe his nose. “It was ‘Gang up on Seto’ day.” Kaiba immediately recoiled at that last remark. “God, that was pathetic. What the hell am I saying?”

Keith was about to try escaping through the window, but stopped. This drunken fit Kaiba was having, though more controlled than anything Keith had seen, seemed very familiar: the lashing out at people; taking anger out on whatever was around; yelling at himself; and the ranting. Combine that with the anger towards overly polite or pretentious people and the use of dueling and games as an outlet.

It all sounded a lot like Keith himself, or at least the old, completely screwed Keith. Maybe he could defuse this time bomb before the bathroom exploded in drunken shouting and vomit.

“Well, knowing you, you probably didn’t do anything stupid with Yugi other than get sucked in, but that’s understandable,” Keith said.

Kaiba laughed weakly. “Yeah. Sure.” He turned around. “What stupid things could I possibly do?” he asked, his usual confidence starting to surface.

“Lots, but you don’t need to hear about it.” Keith could almost feel the conversation shift, so he tried to steer it back to a safer topic.

Kaiba folded his arms. “Humor me.”

Keith braced himself. “You could’ve slept with him.”

Kaiba’s face fell. Keith’s back muscles clenched.

“But that’s not that bad. Really, it’s not.” Keith tried to backpedal. “At least you never followed him around or got obsessive or did anything weird like that.”

Kaiba put his face in his hand. “Every tournament…I wasn’t even competing in them.”

Keith floored it in reverse. “Hey, well, at least you never went out to marry the guy.”

The look of abject horror on Kaiba’s face was making Keith regret going out drinking tonight.

Keith sighed in resignation. “He left you at the altar, didn’t he?”

Kaiba gawked at him for a few seconds. Then it was like a switch flipped his voice back on. “Ding, ding, ding! We have a winner! Your prize is an empty bathroom. I’m outta here.” He stomped to the door and tugged on it. “Damn it, why doesn’t anything work today?”

“I told you, it gets stuck. We just need to wait. Someone always comes to fix it.” Keith sat back down and made himself comfortable again.

Kaiba looked at him with wild eyes, then turned back to the door. He started pounding on it and screaming, “Someone get me out of here!”

Keith jumped up, picked Kaiba up, and carried him away. “What the hell, man? They’ll make you pay for that! Trust me—I know from experience.”

“I could buy and sell this dump ten times over!” Kaiba protested, kicking his legs.

“Yeah, maybe, but do you really want the tabloids running the headline, ‘Champion Duelist Flips Trap Cards and His Shit?’”

Kaiba calmed down. “Of course not.”

Keith put him down. “I don’t want to have to give an inside story.”

Kaiba narrowed his eyes. “You better not.”

Keith rolled his eyes. “It’s called a ‘joke,’ Kaiba.”

They sat down and waited for someone to fix the door. Keith began to tap on the tiles again.

“Do you really think this place is haunted?” Kaiba asked, sounding less annoyed and more like he was trash talking in a duel.

“Depends on the night, and the drink,” Keith answered. One of the stall doors creaked loudly. “What was that?”

They both looked over at the very last stall. They could see a pair of legs in tattered grey pants and worn boots under the door.

Kaiba’s face lost what little color it had. “He heard the whole thing,” he said quietly.

“That guy wasn’t in here before. We would’ve noticed,” Keith argued. “And he couldn’t have gotten in after I shut the door.” He crawled over to look under the door.

Kaiba massaged his temples. “I swear, if this is some kind of trick—”

“This ain’t no trick, boy.” The man in the stall walked right through the door. Keith slid back and froze, his eyes wide. Kaiba looked from the man to the stall door, and back to the man again. Both men braced themselves for the possible assault.

The man, whose upper body was just as grey and haggard as his legs, glared down at them. “Which one of you assholes puked in my stall?” he growled.

Keith tried to tap the same rhythm from before, but he couldn’t quite get it right, what with the shaking.

Kaiba stood up. “Who says it’s your stall? I don’t see a name on it,” he shot back.

“Don’t get smart with him, Kaiba,” Keith whispered, erratically tapping the tile.

“Who are you, anyway? The Joker of the John? The Prince of Piss?” Kaiba cracked.

“Are you crazy?!” Keith hissed at him.

The ghost slapped Kaiba across his face, knocking him down. “I don’t have to explain myself to some dumb slag who can’t even hold his liquor.”

Keith jumped up to grab Kaiba, who dove at the ghost, but was too late. The ghost teleported out of the way and Kaiba fell against the wall. Kaiba got up and looked around.

“Where’d he go?” he muttered. Keith got up to check the stalls.

The ghost materialized and kicked Kaiba toward the wall. Keith jumped out and caught him just in time.

“I’m serious, Kaiba. You don’t wanna screw with this guy.” Keith put his arms around Kaiba’s shoulders to restrain him.

Kaiba jerked away. “Oh, I think I do.” He took another swing at the ghost. The ghost went corporeal again, blocked Kaiba’s fist, and got him in a headlock. Keith ran to pull the ghost off of Kaiba, but the ghost reverse roundhouse kicked him to the wall.

The ghost slammed Kaiba on the floor and punched him across the cheek, leaving a bluish bruise. He then got Kaiba in a chokehold and growled, “Say you’ll obey the Lord of the Loo.”

Kaiba gasped for breath. “What—”

“Say it,” the ghost hissed.

Keith struggled to his feet and pulled out the salt packets he’d swiped earlier. He tore one open and dumped it down the ghost’s back. “Take this, ya salty bastard.”

The ghost screamed, then went transparent. “Jesus pissing Christ!”

Kaiba fell forward, panting. He crawled over to the wall and scrambled into a sitting position.

Keith threw pinches of salt at the ghost, who yelped and flew into the air vent. The bathroom was silent again.

Keith relaxed and sat down again. He noticed Kaiba, curled up again, with a horrible look of defeat on his face.

“Damn,” Keith thought. “The guy’s lost a tournament, lost his brothers’ respect, lost his boyfriend, and now he’s lost another fight.” He crumpled the salt packets. “Probably losing self-respect, too.”

Kaiba dragged himself to the nearest toilet and weakly leaned on the seat, his head nearly in the bowl. “Why isn’t anything coming out?” he moaned.

“I think you got it all,” Keith said. Kaiba tried to turn to look at him, but only managed to drop his head on the toilet seat.

The door rattled, then opened. “Door’s fixed,” a male voice called from the other side. “We’re closing in five.”

Keith stood up and headed for the door. He was about to leave when he looked back and saw Kaiba, sitting with his head down on the toilet seat.

Now, normally, Keith would just let a guy be. He didn’t really like meddling or getting involved with the other drinkers.

But this was a Duel Monsters champion. He couldn’t bring himself to just leave Kaiba there, all pathetic and sad. That just wouldn’t be right. Plus, Kaiba helped him fight that ghost. It was probably more out of pride than anything, but nobody had ever fought with Keith like that. It kind of felt good.

Also, maybe if someone had stepped in when Keith was in this state, maybe he wouldn’t have turned out so messed up.

So Keith knelt down and gathered Kaiba up, bridal style, rather than the usual over-the-shoulder way he’d use on a person as tall as Kaiba. He couldn’t have him choking on his own vomit.

“Keith, what’re you doing?” Kaiba mumbled. His head fell against Keith’s shoulder.

“I’m taking you home.” With that, Keith carried Kaiba out of the bar.

-O-o-O-

When they got outside, Kaiba slid out of Keith’s arms. “I can walk home myself.” He pushed Keith’s hands away. “I don’t need any help.”

Keith was unconvinced. “I’m walking with you anyway. You’re in no condition to fight if someone attacks.”

They proceeded in silence.

“What did Yugi say to you after the tournament?” Kaiba suddenly asked.

“What’re you talking about?” Keith barely remembered talking to anyone at the tournament.

“After your duel, I saw him talking to you backstage.”

“Oh.” Keith tried to remember. “He just said that it was a good duel, he was glad I didn’t cheat, and that a four-way duel with the two of us, you, and Joey would be exciting.” Keith shrugged. “Personally, I prefer one-on-one duels, but whatever.”

Kaiba was silent for the rest of the walk.

They finally arrived at the Kaiba mansion. The streetlights lit up the wealthy neighborhood like a movie set.

“Wow. Looks comfortable,” Keith commented.

“Yeah.” Kaiba lingered on the sidewalk.

Through the front windows, they could see Noah, reading in the living room. Upstairs, Mokuba’s room was dark, so he’d likely gone to bed.

Kaiba turned away from the path. “I can’t stay here tonight.” He started down the block.

“Where will you go?” Keith asked.

Kaiba shrugged. “Who cares, as long as it’s not here or that bar?”

Keith wasn’t about to let Kaiba wander around in his messed-up state. “Why don’t we go to my house instead?” he suggested. “We could just duel. I’m no Yugi, but I think I’m a good enough contender.”

Kaiba stood quietly, contemplating Keith’s invitation. He’d let his guard down way too many times already. He’d completely lost control in the bar and spilled his guts, literally and figuratively, to a guy who, last he checked, was just as ruthless as him. And, even worse, he’d failed to protect himself from some nut job in a bar (he was not about to call that man a “ghost”).

On the other hand, he really had nothing left to lose. He’d rather not face yet another night of Mokuba and Noah’s aloofness. Or the two treating him like he was no better than Pegasus. Or the inevitable conversations about Yugi. For once in his life, Kaiba wanted, no, needed a distraction. The duel would serve that purpose. Keith was good enough to get to the end of the tournament, so he was good enough for Kaiba.

“I accept.” Kaiba turned around.

The two walked to Keith’s house. Kaiba noted that while the neighborhood was far less wealthy, it was only a few blocks away. He and his brothers had driven through here as a shortcut; Noah rolled up the windows and locked the doors. Kaiba thought Noah was being ridiculous—he’d walked through worse neighborhoods when he was a kid, before he was a Kaiba—and as he walked through the neighborhood with Keith, it looked even less intimidating.

They arrived at a square white bungalow with a screen door. “We gotta be quiet. Mai’s sleeping in the other room,” Keith said as they went up the porch steps and into the front room.

“Hmm. Are you just living with her,” Kaiba asked, “or are you together?”

Keith chuckled nervously. “Not anymore.” He turned on a drafting lamp next to the couch, then the television. “I guess we could duel here.”

They sat down on the couch and cleared a space for the field. They dueled while the television flickered in the background. A replay of the highlights of the latest Duel Monsters tournament had been on, but neither man noticed until the program was nearing its end.

“And that puts Seto Kaiba at zero life points. That makes Yugi Muto the winner of this duel,” one of the two commentators announced.

The other commentator was less tactful. “Gotta be honest; that was not the best duel we’ve seen from these two. In fact, it might just be the worst—”

Keith changed the channel. Kaiba looked down at his cards. His bangs flopped into his face, covering his eyes.

“Why’s late-night TV always so shitty?” Keith flipped through the channels. “Nothin’ but infomercials.”

Kaiba put his cards down. “Where’s your toilet?” he mumbled.

“First door on your right.” Keith continued to switch channels.

Kaiba hurried to the bathroom. He didn’t even care that the cards blew everywhere as he walked by.

He sat down on the toilet. He thought he could deal, but clearly he was mistaken. Just what the hell was he doing here? Could he really not have waited until he was sober to have a match? This was just pathetic. He knew better than to do something like this. He was probably going to lose this stupid duel and he could not lose to anyone but Yugi. He could not have fallen this far. Keith may have been one of the champions, but Kaiba knew he could beat him.

He tried to block the memory of the last week. How could Yugi just leave him like that? And how could Noah and Mokuba side with Yugi rather than their own brother?

He got up and splashed cold water on his face. That seemed to stop his thoughts racing. He had to at least try to think through this rationally, even if he’d failed miserably to act. He couldn’t sit here throwing a pity party. He hated parties, anyway.

So he was in a really dumb situation. What did he usually do when this happened?

“Keep your guard up,” he told himself. “Don’t say or do anything to make it worse.” The situation was stupid and pathetic, but he’d been in worse.

He remembered the fight in the bathroom. It was a good sign that Keith had helped him fight. It was even better that Keith didn’t appear to expect anything from him. He’d have to watch out for that, of course, but he’d seen Keith’s type. If Keith were going to do anything, he would’ve done it by now.

Kaiba dried his face. And his brothers said he hadn’t matured since high school. If that were true, he and Keith would still be in that bathroom, yelling at each other.

He took a few deep breaths to calm himself. He wouldn’t relax completely, but Keith wasn’t much of a threat. He was glad to see that even under the influence, he could strategize effectively.

“Now get out there and win that duel,” he told himself.

When Kaiba exited the bathroom, Keith was practically hypnotized by the television. He continued to the couch and found the duel field in disarray, due to the fact that Keith had put his feet up on the couch.

“Great. Everything’s out of place.” He gathered the cards up and set them on the coffee table. As he was bending down to pick the cards off the floor, he glanced up at the screen. “What’re you watching, anyway?”

Keith cocked his head, still staring at the screen. “I have no freaking idea.”

Kaiba noticed Keith’s perplexed expression and sat down to take a closer look.

The green background and wood laminate floors identified it as a Domino City public access show. Kaiba didn’t watch public access TV unless he was sick and Mokuba had confined him to bed. Most of the shows were either too shoddily produced or boring to be worth his time.

But this one was about dragons.

That was about all they could figure out, though. Four dragon puppets butted heads to a MIDI techno-rock track. Occasionally, one of the dragon’s arms would flail, seemingly in an attempt at complex stage combat. The puppeteers must’ve realized these moves were getting old, because the dragons started to kick and bite. The green background changed to a psychedelic rainbow fractal, spinning and swirling.

“What is this?” Kaiba asked.

“Some kind of crazy trip,” Keith answered, barely aware Kaiba had said anything.

Then the singing started.

It was like a cross between a reality show reject and a cat in heat, with a little hysterical robot, thanks to the copious autotune. From the lyrics, they could tell that two of the dragons were in love, but were on opposite teams.

“I love your powerful tail. I want to lick each scale,” one of the dragons sang, flailing his arms. He was smacked by another dragon’s tail.

Kaiba snickered.

The scene changed to a stone wall against a sky. The lover dragons continued to express their love through poorly acted, ridiculously over-the-top fairy tale references.

“I’d give a hundred princesses just to be your fair lady,” the female dragon fawned.

“And I’d spin a thousand haystacks into gold for your love,” the male dragon yelled.

“Don’t sell yourselves so cheaply,” Keith muttered.

The rest of the dragons showed up to fight again, this time, rapping about their feud over an arrhythmic kick drum and synthesizer riff straight out of 1988. The male dragon died a spectacular death in the battle; his opponent knocked his head off with his tail. The head smacked into the camera and the female dragon screamed until her head fell off.

After a brief color bar interlude, the scene changed to another dragon against a castle backdrop. This dragon ranted about sexual abstinence over a looped synthesizer riff. Behind him, two dragons dueled with glowsticks. The fight choreography was surprisingly competent, until one of the dragons lost his grip on his glowstick. The glowstick hit the camera and the next scene was nothing but static.

However, the men saw neither this gaff nor the next show’s introduction because they had both fallen asleep.

-O-o-O-o-O-

They will be shipped. Eliteshipping is imminent.

#yugioh #ygo dm #yugioh fandom #yugioh fanfiction #rarepair #bandit keith #seto kaiba #kaiba seto #eliteshipping #bandit keith x seto kaiba

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