Yuri what happened that day when Dayna took you to the clinic ❤️ btw I love you
TW// mentions of suicide attempt, depression, anxiety ,eating disorder / bad self image and overall bad mental state.
[ YURI @ 00 :16 ] yuri bit the inside of her cheek as she recalled that day, her anxiety already returning. “i wasn’t thinking,” she mumbled eyes not lifting from their fixed focus on the hem of her skirt.
“i wasn’t thinking i was just feeling. i was feeling a lot of things and none were good,” yuri’s already quiet voice was even softer as she spoke, “for a really long time i felt like everything was collapsing around me every day and it was suffocating. and everywhere i looked there was someone who was saying everything i was thinking about myself was true.”
she toyed with the hem of her skirt trying to ease the tears that were inevitably going to fall. “i wasn’t always considered pretty. when i was younger , i was chubbier and my mom always told me i’d be pretty if i just lost weight... so when i did after i became a trainee it felt like she was right and me getting visual proved it. but i wasn’t healthy, at first i was but then i became obsessed and i wasn’t losing it in a healthy way. but i couldn’t stop, i had to keep losing weight because everyone liked me more when i was skinny...” yuri’s voice cracked at the end making her shift in her seat uncomfortably. she tilted her head back as she blinked away the tears that had started to leak out her eyes.
“my dad carried my before and after photos in his wallet and my mom would brag about me being the visual. they were finally proud of me ” she chuckled sadly. “i got obsessed with reading comments too. i wanted to fix everything they were saying and prove that i was worth something. but everyone was telling me i wasn’t and i believed them.” yuri paused already feeling her throat close. “but at least i was pretty.”
the japanese girl let out a shaky breath, “i was reading the hate and then i got on the scale and...” yuri clutched the fabric as she felt her heart beat pick up, “and i felt my entire chest collapse when i saw the number. it was like i failed at the only thing i was actually praised for. i remember i was home alone and it was as if everything i’d been feeling for my entire life crashed on me at once and i couldn’t breathe. i had been holding everything in for so long that it was like something snapped in me.”she tilted her head back down letting her tears flow freely.
yuri shut her eyes tight as she spoke through her tears. “i was yelling in between sobs and i had my fingers down my throat trying to do something to go back to my “normal” weight. i could almost see myself from a birds eye view, i was gagging around my fingers as i sobbed . and i was so out of body that i didn’t even realise i punched the mirror. i felt so much in that moment and i just couldn’t keep existing feeling the way i felt. it was so empty and lonely and dark but so overwhelming. i just wanted it to stop. i wanted everything to stop. i wanted to stop feeling, i was so fucking tired of feeling. so i took whatever pills were in the cabinet .” her hand covered her mouth as she cried. the memory still fresh and terrifying.
“my mind was scary that day.” she let out a puff of air as she sniffled loudly.
“ i don’t think like that anymore and i’m healthy now or i’m trying harder to be healthy. but i don’t...” yuri paused her tongue not even letting her finish her sentence, “but i don’t know what would’ve happened if dayna hadn’t come back early. i hadn’t swallowed most of the pills because of my sobbing so she forced me to spit them out in the toilet and she took me to the hospital right away before anything could really happen. ”
“she’s like my own personal guardian angel.” she smiled sweetly through her tears. “i’m so thankful i have dayna i don’t want to imagine what i’d be without her or you guys. thank you for loving me and helping me love me,”